JJ Vincent personally stayed up half the night looking for gifts for impossible men. You’re welcome.
We all have them. The person who makes us feel grateful for gift cards and then guilty for gift cards. The person who leaves you going, “I want to get you something, but since you own everything from Superman #3.14 to the last toenail ever trimmed from a dodo, I’m sort of screwed here.”
I would like to propose this list of unique items that may unscrew you a little. At least you can laugh at their face as they try to conceal their astonishment, bewilderment, and general “huhWha?” on a December day.
1. Sriracha Candy Canes: Got a guy who can out chili the chiliest of chiliheads? These are supposed to be quite hot. I’d advise against mixing them in with the regular candy canes, though. That’s begging Santa to Naughty List you for life.
2. Ghost Pepper Jelly: So someone pours Sriracha Sauce on their Wheaties and laughs in the face of habaneros? This treat will make their breakfast extra toasty, although eating this before a big meeting might not be the best idea. Also, don’t swap it with the marmalade. See previous Santa warning.
2. SeV Ultimate Hoodie: He’s got gadgets and gizmos aplenty, he’s got whozitz and whatzitz galore..you want thingamabobs, he’s got….well, this hoodie will hold 11. No more over-stuffed pockets, tangled cords, trailing bits of electroniciz…your geek can look like a Totally Normal Guy while concealing vast amounts of doodads in this thing. Bonus: it’s soft and fuzzy.
4. Vinderpants: Does he let his wine run around naked? Not any more. Because now he can have undies for his wine. Ok, so no one will ever ask the Merlot “boxers or briefs”, but it will also never leave unsightly dribbles on the dinner table.
5. Bacon Deodorant: Does he not smell manly enough for you? Do people’s noses not twitch when he enters the room? Does he not have a trail of dogs following him? Has he lost that “sizzle”? This may be the cure. Bacon. Let me repeat. Bacon.
6. Anti-flatulence underwear: You know that old thing about, “Your shit don’t stink?” Well, now his farts won’t. Bring on the chili, the bean soup, the ribs, the beer, the whiskey, the ice cream, and anything else that used to make stankies that cleared the dog from the room.
7. Molecular Gastronomy Kit: Are you tired of mac-and-cheese? Spaghetti? Takeout from the chinese drive-thru? Get him in the kitchen with a kitchen chemistry kit. He gets to cook, you get to watch him make tomato foam and chocolate spaghetti.
8. Nice Rack: Has he always secretly wanted the manliest of trophies on the wall, but never wanted the ethical dilemma of…yeah, that? Surprise him with a 100% genuine Brown Cardboard Deer Head. Recyclable and vegan-friendly. Also available in Elephant and Moose for guys who are exotic or Canadian.
9. Bubble Wrap: He’s had a bad bad day. He’s had a bad bad day. He’s had a bad bad…oh look! Bubble wrap! Woohoo! Not even the manliest of grinchy grouches can be in a bad mood when handed a roll of bubble wrap.
10: Coffee Mugs for Grammar Nerds: That scream of rage you just heard? Its not you’re imagination. Someone just found another grammar fail. They have that affect. These mugs will let him know he’s not alone.
Author’s note: No warranty is made as to the quality of the goods, the pepper stuff may be really hot, and for goodness sakes, be careful with the cardboard. That stuff’s dangerous.
More ideas? Email me at [email protected]
photo courtesy of author