Do you want to turn more of your dating app matches into actual dates? Has there ever been a moment where someone unmatched you, and you weren’t sure why? Are you curious about how you can improve your game so that a woman is genuinely excited to meet you? This article is here to help, my good man!
But first, a little about me. I’m a coach who primarily works with people on the quality of connection in their life. I’m obsessed with what works — and doesn’t — when it comes to matters of the heart. Aside from writing a book about reducing loneliness, I’ve also spent countless hours in conversation with coaching clients, in therapy, and chatting with female friends about their dating life. In other words, you might consider me a bit of an expert on the strange, tiny details of online dating.
But don’t just take it from me! I also surveyed my Instagram followers for this article, and got precisely SIXTY FOUR pieces of feedback from women about the behavior that makes them excited to go out with a man. (Maybe you?) If you’re curious, you can read the whole list here.
My intention for this article is to help relationship-minded men find love. If you’re looking for something casual but are upfront about it with others, you can keep reading. BUT if you’re a man who uses this to get laid, whilst under the sneaky guise of “looking for a relationship,” I hope you have the day you deserve 💩
Before we get into the meat, I’ll state the obvious: have clear, recent photos where you’re facing the camera and aren’t wearing sunglasses. Have multiple photos with you alone, in addition to any group shots, so we know who you are. And fill out your profile instead of leaving it empty.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, grab a notepad and enjoy the GIFs and memes!
1. Send A Message… With A Message
This one is specifically for Hinge. On this platform, you can ‘heart’ a part of a woman’s profile and include a note. But here’s the thing. In my experience, most men say nothing. That’s right, nothing! I’d estimate that out of the last 15 men who sent me a heart on Hinge, only one made the effort of including any words at all. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even words, it was a heart eyes emoji!
Here I am, putting all this thought into my profile, and all you can do is like a picture with no feedback? This reads as super low effort, and many women will guess that you’re thoughtlessly liking as many people as possible, in the hopes that one matches you back.
If I see that a man likes me on Hinge without a message, I ‘X’ him out. It’s a really unsexy start. And my female audience agree. One of the top things that my followers shared is that they’re looking for enthusiasm in a conversation. And you know what conveys enthusiasm? A message!
2. Specify What You Like About Her Profile
Reference something from our profile! We want to know that you did some reading and have a specific reason why you reached out.
I cannot tell you the number of times a man has started our conversation by saying, “Let’s grab a cocktail sometime!” even though my profile specifies (twice) that I don’t drink.
A good rule of thumb is: non-appearance related compliment + question
Here are some examples of good starting messages, based off my memory of what some men have said in the past:
“Wow, you hosted a party for everyone who missed their birthday during COVID? What inspired you to do that?”
“What’s going on in that last black and white photo? Are you at a photo shoot or something?”
“Your profile says you like Marc Rebillet… what’s your favorite song and why is it I’m A Flamingo?”
Even if a woman’s profile has barely any info, pick something and use it in your message.
3. Ask Questions
One of the top three phrases from the women who responded to me was: “I like it when he asks questions!”
Asking questions keeps the conversation interesting, and shows that you care about her. If you only answer the woman’s questions, and don’t offer any in return, it reads as uninterested.
Here’s a real message from a man who I matched with on a dating app. I was on the fence about reaching out, but once he sent this, I was in:
“I feel like pickup lines get old quick, so tell me what’s the most genuine compliment you’ve ever received and why it still makes you smile?”
Even reading that now, I still get a little grin on my face. Why? First of all, it’s thoughtful. Even if he copies and pastes that to every woman he matches with, it’s more intentional than “hey” or “great smile” or “how’s your weekend going?”
Second, it’s an immediate conversation starter. Whatever my answer is, he’s going to get to know something significant about me — and then share something interesting about himself. Then we’re off to the conversational races!
As one follower (and friend) said: “One day, I would LOVE to ask a guy a reflection question and have him actually ask ME the question back!
4. Keep It PG
If you get flirtatious before you’ve met a woman in person, this is for you. A lot of relationship-minded women, myself included, don’t like it when a guy makes a comment about our appearance. Especially if it’s a compliment with sexy under (or over)tones. If you make a comment like that, a lot of women are going to assume that you’re only looking for something casual.
A good rule of thumb is to steer clear of any body-related compliments, especially from the neck down. So hair or eyes is probably safe, but steer clear of the boobs, butt, and legs! (And feet. Not to yuck your yum. But save your kinks for the third date?)
5. State Your Intentions
So many women say that it’s sexy when a man is clear about what he wants! So if you’re one of those guys who says that you’re “not sure what you’re looking for,” know that we assume that’s code for: “I want casual sex but I’m not going to say that because I think it will reduce my chances of getting it.”
If you want a relationship, it’s panty-dropping hot when you say it. It reads as confident, not desperate. Again, my choir of ladies echo this sentiment:
- I like someone who 1) lists what they’re looking for (relationship, something casual, marriage, etc.) I’m looking for a relationship and want someone who can identify and express the same on their end.
- His profile should have descriptive details about who he is and what he is looking for.
- I like when his profile gives the impression that he is looking for a serious relationship , and he has written that he wants one.
6. Communicate Consistently
When someone doesn’t communicate consistently, I lose interest. Because let’s be real: we have our phones on us all day, every day. And yes, it might take you a few hours to respond. But if you’re taking a few days before you’ve even met, the lady you’re messaging is going to think that you’re uninterested… even if you are.
In dating, actions speak louder than words. And when you’re still in the words stage, the only action you can demonstrate is your consistency. (Does that make sense?) So respond to her!
And if you’re not able to respond — or don’t like texting forever — a simple message like this will do: “Hey! I’m going to be focused on work for the next few days and won’t be able to message back and forth. But I’m really looking forward to Thursday, and I’ll text you that morning!” Boom. Healthy boundary-setting is hot, too!
7. Bring Your Playfulness
When I look at a guy’s profile, I always notice if he has smiling photos. If he’s completely straight-faced in all of them, I’m going to swipe left. Why? I want to date someone who is excited about life! And photos with zero expression communicate the opposite.
Women in my audience also shared that they’re looking for photos of a man with his friends, and a man doing activities that he loves. So go ahead, include a photo of you playing sports, running around with your dog, or laughing with a group of your pals. As long as there’s a few photos with just you, a group photo where you’re having a blast is super endearing.
8. Show Your Excitement
One of the most popular words from the women who submitted feedback about their positive dating experiences was “excited.” And they didn’t just mean that they were excited to meet the man. They were even more stoked specifically because he was vulnerable enough to say:
“I’m excited to meet you!”
I mean, it makes sense. When you’re all nervous to meet a cute new person, it’s helpful to hear that they’re excited to see you! So fellas, before your date, send off that text and leave with a little more confidence that things will go well!
***9. Plan The Date***
Men of the Internet, this one is the HOLY GRAIL. This is the one that’s going to get the apple of your eye all hot and bothered. It’s going to make you stand out from the crowd, and have ladies swooning at your feet. Are you ready? Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
You need to make! A! Plan!
That’s right, leadership in dating — especially the early stages — is sexy as hell. I’m sorry, I know it’s gender norm-tastic, but it’s true. Out of the 64 women who reached out to me, a whopping 24 of their responses mentioned the word “plan.”
And if you’re not sure how to do it, I’m going to let you in on some major game. You’re not just going to give her one option. You’re going to give her three. And if you’re an efficient king, you can keep the same three options for all your dates. No one will know! I won’t tell!
First, you say that you’re excited to meet her in person. (Callback!) Suggest a date and time, and then alternatives if that doesn’t work for her. After that, say something like:
“Here are three options. Let me know which one you’re the most excited about:
- Ramen at Danbo
- Shuffleboard and drinks at the Gowanus Shuffleboard Club
- Hot chocolate and a walk in Prospect Park”
Then you let her choose! For a lot of women, a surprise date is not fun because we’ll have no idea what to wear. We can’t bring a bag with both sneakers and heels!
One of the sexiest dates I ever went on asked me in advance if I had dietary restrictions, told me when he would pick me up, and told me how long we’d be walking for. He also picked the restaurant and had a surprise for me afterwards. (It was an escape room and I won’t lie, he was so good at it — and at working with the strangers we were paired with — that it was a major turn-on.) You bet I was ready to kiss the pants off that man after that!
10. Check In The Day Of The Date
Again, communication is sexy when it comes to dates. So the morning of, send her a text along the lines of: “Hey! Looking forward to tonight. We still on for 7 at The Polo Bar?”
If you want to get extra chivalrous, check the weather and show that you checked the weather. This can look like “I checked the weather and it’s supposed to be really nice out, so we can go for a walk and get ice cream after.” Or “I checked the weather and it’s supposed to rain, so I’ll bring an umbrella.” Like come THROUGH with the preparation! Swoon!
What To Do Next?
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And if you’re feeling overwhelmed with this whole dating thing and would like help, we might be a fit for working together! To see if we’re a match, you can learn more about me and book a free exploratory call here. If enough men are interested, I might make a special 90-minute call just to edit your profile together.
Godspeed!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com