There are reasons, beyond biology, why you want to be in a long-term relationship. Dr. Steve shares ten wins that time gave him.
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There are only so many things you can learn in a short-term relationship. It takes a long-term experience to teach you what only living through time can teach. This experiential process can be talked about but never fully known until you go through it.
How do we define a long-term relationship? This could be challenging as “long” is subjective. I might think 15 years is long but someone who has been in a forty-year relationship may laugh at this.
I can only use a retrospective lens of my experiences when examining “long.” My longest relationship, my current one, has been for 17 years.
I have had longer relationships; my parents for 61 years, my brother for 57 years. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s long. Though, I didn’t live with them through most of those years.
That may be part of what makes a relationship feel long – how difficult it is.
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Some people might say my first marriage of 7 years was long – it didn’t feel long. Though it did feel substantial. I have had short relationships (less than a year) that felt long and painful.
That may be part of what makes a relationship feel long – how difficult it is. When I look back on my relationships, anything less than a year was a blip. What I typically learned was what did not work for me.
Relationships that lasted 3 years seemed substantial. Getting over the infatuation stage, working through some issues, feeling like I was in a relationship, but then succumbing to unsolvable problems. Lots to be learned in this time frame. Almost like going to college and then dropping out in the last year. Almost making it.
The best laid plans can go astray and life is unpredictable. Shit happens.
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Then there is the infamous seven-year itch. This is what I went through with my first marriage. Seven years and then poof. Up in smoke. Seven years felt like a major commitment of time and effort.
Learning about the relationship occurred in the first two years as we worked through our issues and created long-range plans. I did learn one major thing from this relationship. The best laid plans can go astray and life is unpredictable. Shit happens.
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Sleeping with women, dating, serial monogamy, engaged, broken engagement, dating, marriage, divorce, living common-law. That is my sequence of relationship experience. I’ve been around the block and finally found someone who is willing to be in a relationship in a mutually supportive way. Believe me, I thank my lucky stars every day.
Here are,
10 Things I’ve learned in my long-term marriage:
1. Patience
I am a patient guy by nature, but in my long-term relationship there have been times when my patience was tested to the limit. Being together over time has taught me that a) we will survive this and b) it will happen again, so, as bent out of shape as I may feel in the moment, this too will pass.
I live in the knowledge that the foundation is much stronger than my emotions of the moment.
Because I have gone through the above a few times, I have more patience generally and get activated less often. I can laugh at myself more and see that I determine whether any interaction is problematic or not.
2. Compassion
- For myself. This has been a big one. I tend to be a giver and look after others at my own expense. A long-term relationship has given me the time to see this aspect of myself and to actively work at being self-compassionate.
- For my partner. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I was able to see the struggles my wife has in life, and see them as independent from me. When I was able to understand and untangle this aspect of how we related, my compassion for her blossomed. My heart went out to her in new ways as I no longer saw her reactions, moods, or way of being as a direct reaction to me or our interaction.
3. My weaknesses in relationship
In short-term break-ups, often the other party lets you know in no uncertain terms what a screw up you have been and has a list of all your faults. In the heat of the moment we lash back with our own list and ignore, or try to ignore, what our soon-to-be-ex has said.
In long-term relationships, we may have had fights where these faults are vetted, and during the years it is inevitable that we discover what our partner finds challenging about us.
Long-term relationships offer the opportunity to work through our personal issues; whether it is picking up socks, learning how to listen to our partner, or fighting fairly.
4. My strengths in relationship
Likewise, through living in a relationship over time, I get to see what my strengths are that I may never have realized in a short-term experience. Things like, loyalty, dependability, focus, and ability to change, to name a few.
Until you have children you have no idea what you are capable of. Like how many days without sleep you can survive on, the real meaning of patience, indescribable joy, boundless hope for the future, worry beyond measure, and self-sacrifice to the nth degree.
5. To let my partner support me
This was a hard one for me. I am so used to doing things myself and narrowing my focus that even though I may appreciate what is being done for me, I might not see it, or when I do see it, might not acknowledge it.
I have learned be more supportable and take the time to show my appreciation.
6. How to support my partner
Being in a long-term relationship has allowed me to see what my partner really needs from me. Not just what I think she needs. I find it takes time to parse out the difference between these two. There were lots of frustrating moments when my best efforts landed flat and me not knowing why. Then, learning to listen to what she was asking and hear beyond my good ideas.
7. Being together is more fun than being apart
If it isn’t, you might want to question whether the relationship is where you should be. This doesn’t mean not having fun with others. It just means that overall, you would rather be sharing life with your partner.
In a happy long-term relationship, this feeling strengthens over time and its quality is different than the intense need to be together of short-term relationships.
8. We have different world views and that’s OK
I am still amazed at how differently my wife and I perceive the world. From the smallest to the largest item, from practical to the metaphysical, she sees, interprets, and acts in the world in a vastly different way than I do.
At first I thought this was something sweet (first year), then I was baffled (year 2-10), and now I am appreciative (11+). My perspective of the world is larger because I get to see another version of reality other than my own. As you can see, it took many years for me to appreciate this.
9. Winning is losing
Oh, this was a hard one to learn. I am competitive and I hate losing, at anything. Arguments are not meant to be lost. I was limited in my vision until I realized that arguments were an opportunity to communicate, come to a bigger understanding of the issue while strengthening the relationship, and ultimately, feeling closer to my partner.
If you want to win the argument, become a lawyer. If you want a happy relationship, learn to move past your ego, what our culture has taught you about being a man, and focus on what is important – and it is not winning, I can assure you.
10. Old dogs can learn new tricks
At the fifteen year mark we hit a plateau in our relationship. In the last two years we have instituted numerous new ways of being that have dramatically improved our relationship and happiness levels.
I won’t speak for my wife, but I am proud that I was able to change some old habits and learn new behaviors. If I can do it at sixty-one, anyone can do it. You just have to be willing.
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There you have it, ten things I have learned in a long-term relationship. What have you learned from your relationship? Let me know in the comments below.
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Photo: Canstockphoto/man and chalkboard
Articles are excellent. Well written common sense!