Sky high
I’m two days away from my second child being born by a caesarian and it seems outrageous that the rest of life still has the audacity to go on all around me.
People say ‘you’re glowing’ and ‘how excited are you?’ and they remember their stories — their celebrations and heartaches — amongst the sandwiches and teacups in the staffroom they tell you of difficult deliveries and beloved children.
There’s this feeling of excitement and trepidation that’s been building for months.
The Trick to Conception
With both my children, conception happened after we stopped trying. For months we had the ovulation tests and timed sex and tried to make everything right for conception and for months, both times, we didn’t get any results. The first time we just gave up and the second time I was in the middle of fertility tests with a doctor when… my wife felt something unusual, took a pregnancy test, and sent me the photo.
Emotional Rollercoaster
So, the first feeling was elation and this lasts for a long time.
My wife has a rough first month of pregnancy, feeling nauseous, especially sensitive to smells, and feeling a bit unwell. After this, though, she got into the pregnant glow stage.
She is an excellent mother in pregnancy. She takes it very seriously and gives her mind and body wholeheartedly to carrying and growing the child. It’s not something that will just happen as she goes about her daily life; daily life slows down a lot and her focus really moves to the baby.
The pregnant glow, happy stage of pregnancy lasted until about a month ago, when her sleeping became more broken and she just felt more uncomfortable trying to move and do things. We got to the stage where we are really looking forward to the delivery and having her baby out, so that my wife could feel a bit freer again. She says that she loves the baby and carrying him but that all the happy/positive stuff about pregnancy is a bunch of b/s and it’s hard and long and annoying.
That’s what she says at night, anyway, when she’s most emotional. Going to bed seems to trigger these feelings as the effort to get comfortable and switch the mind off seems tricky to do with a well-developed baby.
Also in the last month, we’ve been moving slowly but surely towards the delivery which has caused us both to feel worried for her and how the birth will go this time.
Once bitten…
This may be why both babies are in no hurry to come out.
Her first birth was traumatic; an over-due baby, a big boy at 10.1 lb, and bleeding with her vaginal delivery.
So the second time, we have an elective C-section booked.
D-day approaching
In the last week, though, as we get really close, we’re feeling less worried and more accepting.
We want peace of mind now so that whatever happens we can respond well.
We also want to be positive and optimistic because these emotions are the spiritual diet of not just our baby in the womb but of all of us.
Are the bags packed?
2 days left. Yes, the bags are packed. But not all of them. Some things — like my first son’s (8 years old) clothes are still being used — so that question is never quite resolved — it taps on my brain like a woodpecker’s beak.
Tips for Father’s-to-be?
I’m more used to writing self-improvement posts on this than paternity ones. In those, I try to give some clear advice but having a baby is another matter…
There’s so much more of the unexpected than in normal lifestyles. You have to embrace chance and fortune — even if you’re not religious, you find yourself talking to God and wishing on stars.
You can prepare well, you can get yourself into a mentally good space, and then you need to be there in the present moment and respond.
Perhaps, that’s not so different from self-improvement.
The behavior of a madman
My heart is in my mouth though and it’s swelling up. I teach, and for the last couple of days lessons have been mainly focused on the fact that we’re having a baby — today is unlikely to be much different. In Parents Evening tonight — how can there be one two days before the birth! — I’ll probably spend most of it grinning about our Expected. (sorry others mums and dads).
How do you know that your ready?
We’ve followed the doctor’s orders to the letter. Today we go and get the pre-op meds and have a consultation. Yesterday was the covid swab. The slightly scary thing though is that the NHS is not necessarily the all-seeing eye, especially at the moment. Last time, they should have induced earlier. I’m not sure how well the forceps were handled.
I want to find extra assurances but I know that if I phone the midwife or maternity daycare unit they will assure me that everything is being done — because all of their boxes are checked off — everything — so far as they know it — is being done. I can’t, with my paternal anxieties, expect new processes and divisions to be created.
I just need to:
Make sure all the bags are packed!
Be calm, positive, and excited — the nervous energy needs to be shaped into a buzzing cloud of optimism
Prepare the rest of my life — my job, my son, my parents, etc — so that when my son arrives, I can drop everything and just give myself completely to my wife and son.
Know that there aren’t any extra things I can do — I can’t get more assurances, I can’t guarantee it’s going to go smoothly — and if I worry about these sorts of things I’ll be taking myself out of the moment and risk not doing things the things I can do well.
Bags need to be packed, the journey needs to be planned, the car seat — and I need to be there, calm and happy, to help my wife with every little step on the way.
Perhaps, just like self-improvement, looking at the big hopes and fears is my enemy, attention to each little step, to doing these well, is what we need from me.
We walk together into the unknown…
It’s such an honor and a responsibility to accompany my wife into this new stage of our journey…
We walk together into the unknown with swollen hearts in our mouths and a rush of blood in our heads — expecting the most amazing thing in the world to happen to us — waiting for another human being who we know we will love beyond all measure just like do our first son; humble and grateful for the blessing that we’ve received, moving through these long hours with calm and strength and the absence of egotism that is one of the greatest things that happen to you when you pass out of normal life — though it won’t quite let you go — and touch the glowing source of creation.
Wish me luck!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Taksh on Unsplash