We have all been in one of these relationships before.
Maybe you are currently in a dynamic that works like this.
No scale can weigh the amount of love you have for each other, but there is one major flaw.
Communication in moments of conflict.
No matter how hard you try, there is a wall between you and your partner because there is no “meeting in the middle.”
I have been in the same position before, and the dynamic can be very frustrating.
The problem has multiple layers, most likely starting with a lack of a formalized communication strategy.
Another issue comes from comments when you are talking through a conflict.
We tend to forget that when we speak to people, the effect is less about the words and more about how people receive them.
We also say things that we think have good intent behind them but can be hurtful to our partners.
There are particular comments people make that negate their feelings and ignore the role that they played in the conflict.
Do not use this as a pass to point the finger at your partner or hold your head down in shame.
The goal is to understand and create a path to restructure your comments so they are not hurtful or building a wall higher between you and your partner and healthy communication.
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The car accident
Let’s pretend you and a friend are in your car, and you get into an accident. Someone witnessed the accident and called the police.
I set up this scenario to give you an explanation of something I see that is very common.
When the police arrive, you, your friend, the other driver, and the witness will have a different story for the same accident.
The truth is that no one will be 100% correct, but the accident is the core issue.
When you have a conflict with your partner, I see people unable to adjust their understanding of what happened because “their story is right.”
It creates a roadblock when you don’t sit ready to engage with your partner’s experience.
It becomes a game of who is right and who is wrong rather than what the solution is.
How often does the back and forth of whose story is right make a conflict bigger than the core issue of what happened?
You subconsciously tell your partner that their experience does not matter and your perception is better than theirs.
It closes the door to future communication because your partner will think you only see conflicts through your lens, and they have no voice to say otherwise.
This scenario is how “nothing is wrong” begins. Your partner feels like their perception has no value. You will always override their story with your version of what happened.
I feel…
Have you ever told your partner a need or behavior you wanted them to correct?
Instead of hearing what is frustrating, they tell you how they feel about what you said.
Maybe the roles have been reversed, and you’re on the other side.
For example, you tell your partner, “I need more intimate time spent doing outdoor activities.” Then the reply is, “I feel like when you say that you’re…”
It might not sound intentionally hurtful, but let’s break this down.
In this reply, the first thing you have done is place your feelings and thoughts first.
Your partner had to develop the courage to come to you with an issue on their mind, and the first thing you have done is make it about you.
Then, instead of asking them for more detail, you have changed the dynamic from someone expressing their feelings to your thoughts about what they’re saying.
Last, you are reversing the sender and receiver of the core issue, and instead of hearing your partner’s thoughts, you have pinned it against them as the problem.
Again, when I see people do it is not generally intentional, but it can be very harmful to communication with your partner.
When people shut down and walk away in frustration, they feel like there is a lack of acceptance and their partner being receptive to their message.
Nuclear reactor
The last comment is pretty straightforward.
Yes, you guessed it. The “I only did this because you did that.”
There is room for mercy in the points above, but this one comes with a zero-tolerance policy.
When you tell someone you are the reactor in a situation, it’s taking zero accountability for your actions.
You’re playing the victim in every situation and move all guilt, blame, and accountability to your partner.
It is not fun to hear that we hurt someone or did something out of character.
What is less fun is knowing that your partner will find a way to blame you for every conflict that arises in your relationship.
Tunde, what if there is a scenario where my partner did something triggering that caused my reaction?
100% this does happen, but you have to accept the consequences of your action before you tell your partner what they did in the situation to hurt you.
You can accept what you did to your partner and tell them what hurt your feelings.
When you are the “I only did this because you did that” type of person, you are changing the and in the sentence above into an either-or.
Playing the victim translates to emotional immaturity over time.
Don’t let this become a staple in your relationship because it is the quickest way to end it.
Untreated, this can turn into emotional manipulation without you even recognizing it.
Until its too late…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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