Awww, you’re moving in together. Good Luck!
Ooh the warm, fuzzy feeling of excitement and the anticipation, of moving in with your sweetheart. Moving in together takes the relationship to that next level, so it’s a lot different from just dating and sleeping over every other weekend.
You announce it to your friends and proceed with all the particulars like having your mail routed to the new address, deciding which furniture to keep and packing all your belongings.
Then the day arrives and it’s official! You’ve moved in and now living together. Isn’t it beautiful?
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The scene above is how it usually starts when couples move in together. They’re both so giddy and starry eyed about moving in together, that they forget to stop and discuss a few matters that can have a significant impact on almost any couple’s relationship.
As the couple’s co-habitation progresses, the very things that the couple neglected to discuss before moving in together, begin to surface. That’s what we’ll review today, along with suggestions of what particular discussions couples should have, to make for a more promising experience of living together.
There’s tons of documentation available that lists some of the most common subjects couples have disagreements about. If you check, you’ll find that there’re three subject areas that pop up in every list. Let’s see what they are!
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1. The Bills
You can look at the top ten reasons couples get divorced and you’ll always find the subject of finances on the list, primarily somewhere in the top 4. For this reason, it’s imperative to discuss the subject of money and address any related expectations, prior to moving in together.
For many couples, money is not the most comfortable subject to talk about. However, the more open and honest your are with each other about financial matters, the easier it will become to discuss as you grow together. This is crucial because, from person to person, we all have unique experiences, opinions and beliefs when it comes to money. So we tend to view money as a personal subject we protect and keep to ourselves. But, when you move in with someone, your financial decisions, spending habits and money mishaps effect each other more directly than when you lived under different roofs.
Here’re a few key questions to help facilitate your money discussion:
- Should we split expenses 50/50?
- Should we each agree to pay only specific expenses?
- Should we open a joint bank account?
- Should we just designate one of us to manage the money?
These are just a few, but this will definitely help open the doors of conversation for couples to discuss how they will manage their finances. In simplest terms, it comes down to one of two ways a couple can go about managing their finances:
a)They can agree to manage their money and expenses like roommates, keeping everything separate except for shared expenses that they each chip in on.
b)The couple can choose to mange their finances like partners and look more to managing the money and expenses, jointly.
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2. Dirty dishes
Many may feel that the issue of dirty dishes is trivial in a relationship. But please believe, I’ve seen such trivial matters spark huge disagreements between couples. See it’s not just the dishes that should be discussed, it’s all the daily and weekly chores that need to be considered.
We start with dishes as an example though, because it’s a daily task and it provides that first opportunity to test the couple’s ability to diplomatically arrive at solutions they both agree on. For instance, close friends of ours were having such a challenge with this issue. The last time I visited them, I learned that they had finally come up with a system. The wife prepares meals and the husband does all the dishes daily. For this couple, it seems to work just fine and no more arguments or ruffled feathers from coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Here’re a few key points to help facilitate your chores discussion:
- Should we split chores 50/50?
- Should we each agree to be responsible for certain chores?
- Should we agree that each of us washes their own dishes, their own laundry and cleans up behind themselves?
Once again, these may seem trivial, but it’s the accumulation of several smaller issues like these, that fester over time and can start to weight heavily on a relationship if never openly discussed or sorted out in advance.
3. Who’s cooking?
This is terrific discussion to have for several reasons. First, we can no longer just assume that the lady does all the cooking. Second, there’s time and cost involved with buying and preparing food that should be considered. Last, the couple’s individual eating habits and tastes for foods may differ which adds another layer of conversation to the food discussion.
Here’re a few key points to help facilitate your food discussion:
- Should we take turns cooking?
- Should we prepare meals together?
- Should we each agree to be responsible for our own food?
- Should we designate one of us to be responsible for food?
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In closing, here are two key thoughts to keep in mind:
First, you don’t have to necessarily premediate every little concern prior to moving in together. Couples will find that most other issues can be addressed as they arise during their journey together.
Second, please understand that the way each person was raised, their background and beliefs will all be brought to the surface once you live together. So be ready and be patient.
Many years go, couples moving in together before marriage was not so popular in certain traditions and cultures. However, looking at the high rate of divorce today, perhaps moving in together first, can help test the waters and strength of the couple’s relationship to see if it can survive some of the common challenges that come with sharing the same living space.
Once again, good luck!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash