Emotionally unavailable partners can be difficult to spot.
They don’t go around wearing a sign that says “I’m not ready for a real relationship”. In fact, in the early stages of a relationship, they tend to be very charming, something that makes it difficult to notice something’s off.
By now, we are all pretty much familiar with the signs that indicate a person is emotionally unavailable: they don’t talk about their feelings, they play the hot and cold game, they don’t make plans, they’re distant, and they avoid labels.
But what if those signs aren’t enough? What if there are some additional, rarely mentioned behaviors that can point to emotional unavailability — and save you time and emotional energy?
If you’re romantically interested in someone but fear they might be emotionally unavailable, here are three, rarely mentioned behaviors that can help you identify whether that person is truly ready to form an emotional bond with you.
#1. They Are Extremely Analytical
The act of overanalyzing any issues and circumstances is usually linked with anxiety, but strangely enough, it can also point to someone being emotionally unavailable.
As psychotherapist Sherry Gaba mentions in her article:
“Extremely analytical — people that focus on the facts or the analysis of an issue but never talk about feelings or express how they feel are often emotionally unavailable.”
Surely, anyone might get lost in analyzing situations from time to time without addressing their feelings. Or, you know, feel shy or uncomfortable talking to you about how they feel. But if that happens on a regular basis, it might mean something is off.
You can pinpoint that behavior by noticing how the person you’re interested in reacts to things others would normally find upsetting/sad/frustrating.
Here are some examples:
- Someone from their family is diagnosed with a serious illness. Do they show they’re upset/sad/angry or focus solely on medical data like therapy costs, patient care, healing rates, etc?
- Their boss fires them. Do they talk about how that made them feel or mention the fact and quickly move on to analyzing the circumstances surrounding the firing?
- A horrifying event is shown on the news, with graphic pictures. Do they have any emotional reaction (e.g., shock, surprise, sadness) regarding the victims or start analyzing crime rates and politics?
#2. They Appreciate, but Don’t Return; Talk, but Don’t Ask; Take, but Don’t Give
When it comes to analyzing experiencing and expressing emotions and emotionally unavailable people, you always see listed some of the following characteristics:
- emotionally unavailable people can’t express their feelings
- emotionally unavailable people get uncomfortable around emotionally charged situations
- emotionally unavailable people pull away when things get deep
- emotionally unavailable people can’t appreciate what you do for them
Undoubtedly, the following characteristics might apply to many emotionally unavailable people, but sometimes…they don’t.
In these cases, a person might very well open up to you about themselves, appreciate your romantic/kind gestures, be comfortable around emotionally charged situations (e.g., step into an argument with you), but, deep down, not be 100% emotionally ready to invest in you.
In these cases, here’s how you can spot emotional unavailability:
- They are comfortable talking about themselves, but do they ever ask to know any details about you?
- They let you know they appreciate your kind gestures, but do they actually return any of them?
- They ask for your help and support, but have they ever offered you their help and support?
- They have no problem expressing their feelings of happiness, stress, or anger, but do they show any interest in what you’re feeling?
#3. They Seek Perfection in Imperfect Humans
Someone who’s emotionally unavailable has impossible standards when it comes to relationships and people in general.
They seek perfection even though they know deep down that every human is imperfect.
They’re very critical and judgmental and usually latch onto every one of their partner’s small mistakes and flaws. Sooner or later, they use one of these flaws as an excuse to end things.
To use the words of therapist Darlene Lancer:
“These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship.”
Of course, at the beginning of your acquaintance with an emotionally unavailable person, chances are they’ll take it easy on you and not show their excessive perfectionism right away.
Here are some signs that can help you identify it:
- They see the worst in every situation
- They judge their friends’ actions and decisions
- They give you their opinion on everything you do, even when you don’t ask for it
- They get excessively upset when they’re not perfect in a minor task (e.g, overcooking their food)
- They get defensive over feedback
Emotional unavailability isn’t all black and white.
For starters, not being in the right mindset for a serious relationship and emotional bond doesn’t make you a bad person, unless you intentionally hurt the people around you.
It’s also necessary to remember that there are a lot of factors that might contribute to emotional unavailability.
For example, a person might have unresolved childhood trauma or a fear of commitment that stems from past negative experiences; or they might have very low self-esteem and keep themselves from opening up.
It’s better to let emotionally unavailable people go, without judging them or spending all your time and emotional energy trying to change them (unless you’re a therapist!). Turn your attention to people who are ready to form a real emotional connection with you.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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