—
Sometimes it’s good to step back. I wish I’d understood that 40 years ago when the feminist critique of male sexuality boiled down to McKinnon’s famous phrase, “All men are rapists.“
That was hard charge to bear. You can’t really work very effectively while also trying to defend yourself from a charge like that. Framing it in that way definitely got attention, but it also caused a lot of harm in the form of collateral damage and disempowered allies like me. A whole generation of “sensitive New Age guys“ shut down important aspects of themselves in reaction to the shame.
It was what it was, and the best language we had for expressing ourselves around injustice back then was identity politics. It was far better than not saying anything. Even so, the response of privileged white men was as inept and contrary as expected, Including my own. It seems that conventionally raised men like me had only two options for dealing with shame, even if our relationship to harm was not intentional: a collapse into fragility or an aggressive backlash. Even now, why is it that we don’t recognize that third option, stepping back to give such concerns their due consideration?
If I had stepped back, who knows, maybe I might’ve realized that what we were dealing with was the culture, and not an inherent state of unworthiness in men. But I was stupid as the rest of us.
|
So now, with #metoo, and the recognition that what we’re dealing with is rape culture (rather than an evil conspiracy among complicit men per se), men have an opportunity to participate actively in changing things for the better. Or do we? Because I don’t know a single man who has never crossed a line. And I don’t know a single man who would even claim to have it all handled as far as affirmative consent goes.
I think that all we can offer is our sincere best efforts to learn as much as we can, as quickly as we can, and to do our best to do better going forward. We should be doing that whether anyone appreciates it or not. It’s just the honorable thing.
I see three steps for changing rape culture forever.
First, women are speaking out and that is excellent. Rather than using the inevitably alienating and isolating language of identity politics, they are simply relating their stories and framing those stories in terms of the prevailing culture: rape culture. It is a culture that no one wants to be a part of, and that gives targets of rape and people who share identifying characteristic with rapists common cause. All men can support the idea of replacing rape culture with a safer zeitgeist for everyone. Whatever shame we feel over our unwitting support for rape culture in the past can be worked off by helping to build a culture based on affirmative consent going forward. We’re in it together.
Second, there have to be consequences for anyone who has violated consent in the past. Those need to be proportional to the damage done. We cannot expect women whose careers were harmed or whose lives were shattered to just go on as if nothing happened. If I derived advantage from the sexual harassment of women I unwittingly ignored or unthinkingly engaged in, I owe them something for that. That could mean further consideration during the next rounds of hiring and promotion, as well as my firm commitment to ensure that neither I nor those around me continue to misbehave toward women.
We cannot expect women whose careers were harmed or whose lives were shattered to just go on as if nothing happened.
|
If I caused emotional harm by adding a layer of distress onto the trauma of someone who had previously been raped or assaulted by pushing until I got slapped (except, I never got slapped by the people most in need of protection and TLC), at the very least I need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Whether I receive it or not is immaterial. Some damage cannot be undone, and so what I can do is help other men get over those mistaken ideas about courtship and sensual/sexual play. If there is more asked of me by someone I’d harmed in that way, simple human dignity requires me to do my best whether it is appreciated or not. That could include honoring their request to have no further contact from me. My amends should not inflict additional harm, and no one should be pressured to forgive regardless of the remorse I might feel.
For anyone whose harm was intentional, substantial, or who engaged in criminal acts of sexual assault or coercion, instead of trying to protect ourselves from guilt by association, we must stand with those who were harmed in advocating for prosecution to the full extent of the law and civil restitution.
Third, we must establish some sort of community reconciliation process that would allow men whose harm was unintentional or minor to demonstrate a good faith effort do better going forward. The Without some sort of pathway toward forgiveness, we cannot alleviate the desire among men to cover for each other. If each man knows that he can come clean and be restored into the good graces of the community, he has every reason to abandon rape culture and help create a new culture based on affirmative consent. Without that hope, every conventionally raised man will continue to deny, deflect, and protect other accused men for fear of a reputation that is ruined for life. The most famous example of a process that has brought resolution to a historically divided community is the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa, but there are many groups working on restorative justice initiatives around all kinds of concerns.
Part of any reconciliation process based on principles of restorative justice should be to respect the boundaries of anyone who suffered harm going forward. Participation in such a process should always be optional for anyone who has been harmed, though they should always be welcomed. No individual should ever be pressured to have further contact or forgive anyone who has harmed them. If that means I am asked not to contact or approach someone whose consent I violated, honoring that request is part of my reconciliation process with the community as a whole.
Along with women speaking out and appropriate consequences for past consent violations, a reconciliation process is vital to eradicating rape culture.
|
Along with women speaking out and appropriate consequences for past consent violations, a reconciliation process is vital to eradicating rape culture. Without such a process, I am afraid that “rape culture” will just become code for “all men are rapists,” and we will be right back where we were 40 years ago: two more generations of women at risk and two more generations of good hearted men in the wilderness. This last piece is proving to be an unpopular stance, especially among people who didn’t live through the 80s and 90s as I did. But I did live through them. I did see what fell out. And it could fall out again. Cultural patterns are like that. So, I’m putting it out there, and then I’m stepping back. Y’all are going to do what you’re going to do. There’s very little I can do about it and from what I can see, pushing it as my pet agenda will only make things harder. I really do hope you get it right, that we finally get it right this time!
We have a shot at putting an end to rape culture once and for all. The rehabilitation of good hearted man who have been bamboozled by their upbringing needs to be a part of that process so that they can fully participate as enthusiastic and uncompromised allies.
For myself, I’m in a good stable relationship and my needs are met. But if I ever do find myself in the market for any flavor of intimacy, you can rest assured that I’m going to be very strict about affirmative consent. I am a good man at heart, and now I know how to act on it. Learning all we can about affirmative consent and how to recognize when we do, but more importantly, when we don’t have it, is a vital skill for all men to start practicing now. If you ask me, stepping back from one’s own urgency, whether it is driven by lust or fear is the key to mastering that skill.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
◊♦◊
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway!
—
Photo credit: Getty Images
—
Reading your article was huge for me. It put me through some profound self reflection that turned into another article for The Good Men Project. Thank you so much as a man for being willing to recognize how we as men invariably have in fact participated in supportinng Rape Culture, even when we are otherwise good men. This sentence particulary triggered some profound and uncomfortable self reflection, “Because I don’t know a single man who has never crossed a line.” I realized I too had crossed that line, even if not egregiously. Here is the article that was my response… Read more »