Like women, men fall for toxicity in relationships. It teaches them to pick the wrong women and to hurt the ones who care for them.
Men (and women) who have been in toxic relationships develop trauma. It influences the unions they choose to form with their partners. Childhood experiences can also tint men’s behavior when in relationships.
But these actions are hurtful.
Some men–often because of their beliefs and upbringings–practice subtle gaslighting, narcissism, and labor bias. Women have learned to read between the lines. The statements below are not seen as innocent. Nope. These statements lead to even more frustration, and the feeling that “men just don’t get it”.
So, yeah. You can choose to avoid saying hurtful things. Let’s talk about some responses to women’s complaints trending online.
The subtle male statements hurtful to relationships.
“A quick ask could take hours of work off your plate.”
No, it won’t. The hours go from doing the task into building the courage to seek help. Next? Women have to ensure the project gets done. Then, there is also the need to quality check the work. It doesn’t matter how simple the favor seems. People don’t enjoy asking for help.
Millions of authors publish stories about why asking for help is so challenging. The most recent one is September 2022. The article states two essential points:
- (a) People want to help.
- (b) Receiving parties prefer spontaneous help.
(a) Based on your previous behavioral response to a favor, your partner doesn’t think you want to help.
(b) Many men don’t enjoy asking for or initiating sex all the time. Women also don’t enjoy reaching out for help when you both can see what needs doing around the home. An ask soon becomes a nag because you don’t act immediately.
For some couples, duty-splitting works. Other times, it helps to see an unkempt area and want to get it organized. Let’s be honest. Men who say the above statement of awaiting instruction hope they never get one.
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Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash
“I’m not good at it.”
I’m a member of a women’s Facebook group. Several participants view this phrase as weaponizing inexperience.
One woman said she thinks her husband does things awful on purpose. He does them to discourage her from asking for help.
It frustrates her.
She cannot understand how he struggles with simple tasks like folding clothes. This woman believes his results would be decent if he would slow down and spare a few extra minutes. Stories like these were plenty. Many male partners resorted to gender-defined work to say they did something around the home.
There are other ways to have power in relationships or to appear masculine. But it sure isn’t dependent on doing only macho things like reaching top shelves and opening jars.
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“Where is my thank you?”
Housework doesn’t make anyone feel sexy. It doesn’t. But in all things, there are exceptions to the rule.
Actor and online creator, Devale, found it.
You build it with a culture of praise.
But an ask or an expectation of a “thank you” continues the feeling of unfairness. It creates a one-sided share of the house’s workload. The way around this is by praise. You tell her something is fantastic without prompting. And your partner does the same in other areas of the relationship.
If extra money is around, consider hiring help.
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Here are Devale’s top five acts for handling housework.
- Hype your partner up while she does chores.
- Cook the way you know how when she gets tired.
- Outsource chores to the kids and grandparents.
- Keep each other feeling sexy by escaping the house.
- Keep the feelings of masculinity and femininity high with date nights.
Embedded in some points are links to his social media page where he does the described actions.
Thank you for reading this post.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash