Friendship is such a positive word that we assume everything that surrounds it is rosy and good. However, like all relationships, friendship has its own caveats. Not all friends are healthy for you, and not all friendly gestures are acceptable.

Sometimes, your friends do certain things in the name of care that might actually be toxic. Then again, they might not intend any harm. But they might be crossing boundaries and encroaching on your personal space unknowingly, thereby making you uncomfortable. Whether they do this unintentionally or on purpose, know that this is a tricky situation. You’re walking a tightrope. You don’t want your friends to continue doing uncomfortable things, but you also don’t want to upset them.

The best way to control this situation is to communicate clearly and impose healthy boundaries. But before this, you need to identify those fickle, double-edged, difficult-to-spot gestures. This article enlists three common ones to help you.

. . .

Actively Imposing Their Resentment Towards Other People in Your Life

Zoey, Emma, and I were good friends who decided to move in together. A few weeks later, Zoey and Emma developed differences over their respective work situations. Zoey never wanted to see Emma’s face again, and Emma couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Zoey. I continued to talk normally with the two, trying to understand their respective sides.

“Why do you keep talking to her when you know what she thinks of me?” Zoey snapped at me one morning.

“I don’t have a problem with either of you,” I shrugged. “I know she can be a bit aggressive at times, but I have my own way of dealing with her.”

“Honestly, I can’t stand your way of dealing with people. I don’t even understand how to talk to you if you talk to her normally after how she behaved with me. I’m just looking out for you, ensuring she doesn’t hurt you in the same way she hurt me.” Zoey stormed out of the room.

Zoey failed to understand that her relationship with Emma had nothing to do with my relationship with either of them. We were two different individuals. We could have different equations with the same person, irrespective of our equations with each other. Zoey might have perceived this as looking out for me, but she didn’t realize that she had no right to let her resentment influence my friendship with Emma or anyone else.

A friend, no matter how well-wishing, cannot influence other relationships in your life. Of course, they can offer their advice and insights. But a certain friend cannot make you feel guilty about your relationship with a third person merely because they resent them. No matter how close you two are, this is between you and the other person.

Influencing You Out of Their Assumptions

None of us appreciate unsolicited advice and uncalled actions. Yet, it becomes difficult to deal with certain friends who become toxic harbingers of such uncalled actions based on their assumptions.

A friend who’d called me last week shared an interesting incident. One of her college friends was constantly barraging her with single guys’ contacts. “She’s doing it because, in college, she knew me as someone who could barely stay single. But now I’m serious about my career and other things in life. I wish she’d understand when I told her that dating is no longer my priority and stop it.” “Why don’t you just tell her you’re not interested?” I quipped. To this, she replied, “I did! She advised me to at least meet one of these guys before completely rejecting them. She thinks I’m choosy.”

This situation is common, especially when the other person is possessive or a know-it-all. My friend’s friend or anyone doing this needs to understand that people evolve every day. There are high chances your friends might not remain the same person you befriended. Hence, it’s wrong to impose your assumptions on your friends, based only on the only side of their personality you know. A better thing to do here would be to understand how your friends have evolved and respect their decisions in life.

Being Too Involved in Your Personal Life

After family, friends are the closest people to have access to the personal details of your life. At times, you confide in friends even before you confide in your family. But, your friends need to strike a balance between backing you up and backing off to let you do your thing.

One of Zoey’s other toxic habits was that she went out of her way to remove people from my life she assumed would hurt me later. Apart from Emma, this included a guy I was dating back then. Today, I’ve lost touch with Emma, but she’s never wronged me in any way. As for the guy, he did end up hurting me, but Zoey’s controlling nature did little to save me. I fell flat on my face, got hurt, and learned an important lesson in relationships. Had I did what Zoey expected me to and not dated this guy, I would have been none the wiser.

Zoey, through her “caring” gesture, thought she was looking out for me. In her head, she was trying to “save” me. But, in reality, all she was doing was robbing me of my personal space to do my own thing. Zoey mirrors countless people I see around me who get so involved in their friends’ lives that they don’t notice when they trespass their friend’s personal space.

A friend is robbing you of your personal space without your consent is blocking the room in your life to make your own decisions and be your own person. Your individuality is an important part of your identity. Even the closest of your friends has no right to get into your personal space and rob you of the ability to make your own decisions.

. . .

Conclusion

Toxic gestures disguised as care are everywhere. You need to be cautious enough to identify them. This doesn’t mean that all your friends are toxic. Rather, it just means that sometimes, even the best people get carried away while showing their friendly care.

The sooner you identify these gestures, the sooner you acknowledge their toxic nature. When you identify a toxic intrusion coming from a friend, draw the line. Communicate how you don’t appreciate them breaching your boundaries.

Maybe your friend got carried away and will acknowledge what they are doing to you once you point it out. The more toxic ones will get agitated. You know you need to stay away from them.

Thanks to Alexander M. Combstrong.

—

This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything