My divorce was kinda tough. First, my marriage had actually been getting better prior to the divorce. My ex is an alcoholic. I hadn’t realized this when we got married because he was highly functioning at the time. He was seldom drunk, he had a good job and he was very responsible and caring.
A few years before our divorce, though, he spiraled out of control. His life was chaotic and our marriage was in tatters. T1hen things changed. He started going to AA everyday. It doesn’t help everyone but it helped him. As he got sober, the man I married started to re-emerge and our marriage got better.
Given things were on an up-trend, I didn’t expect him to leave, particularly as I was still getting over surgery.
He did, however, and I had to move on. It was really tough because, as I said, I was still getting over surgery. Plus, he was the primary breadwinner. All of a sudden, I had to figure out how to make things work.
There have been some challenges, but there have also been some really positive things that have emerged from the tough times. In no particular order, here are three things I’m grateful for that would never have happened if my ex hadn’t left.
1. My friendships have gotten stronger
I’d always had good friends, but when I was married I didn’t have the time or the motivation to really cultivate them the way I did once I was single again. My life was tied up so much with my husband, partly because he’s an alcoholic. Alcoholics are exhausting to deal with sometimes.
All of a sudden, after he left, there was an emotional vacuum in my life. I began to reach out more to friends. Surprisingly, they were there for me. In fact, I was deeply touched how supportive my friends were.
I learned, after my husband left, just how much my friends cared for me. They listened to me when I needed to vent, provided a shoulder to cry on, and took me out for drinks. Perhaps it’s ironic, given that my ex is an alcoholic, that wine was used as part of my own therapy, but it did help. My friends commiserated with me over a bottle of red and various cheese plates.
One of my oldest, dearest friends, a man I’ve known for 30 years who lives in another city offered to let me move in with him if I needed to. So did a woman friend who was newly retired.
It’s changed my life to realize how much my friends mean to me and how much I mean to them.
2. I’ve finished my first novel
This is something I’ve been wanting to do for years but never got around to. Again, part of it is that being married to an alcoholic is emotionally quite draining. However, from observation I’ve noticed that even women in normal, functioning marriages spend an inordinate amount of time emotionally supporting their spouses.
Which is not necessarily a bad thing. A good marriage is a give and take. Maybe the woman provides the bulk of the emotional support while he provides in other ways. My mom had that type of marriage and was always quite happy with it, and so are many other women.
There is no judgment here. A good marriage is what works for you and makes both parties happy.
However, while I was married — while in theory I had the time to work on my novel, in practice, because of the emotional work I was doing, I never had the energy or focus.
Since my husband left, however, I’ve been able to get it cranked out. I still have not published it… I’ve been working on the rest of the trilogy (yes, it evolved into a trilogy) so I can make sure it works as a whole before I publish the first in the series.
Is this a good or bad decision? Not sure… I’ll let you know when I figure it out. But the important thing is — forward momentum has been established.
3. I’ve finally bought a house
We put off buying a house for years because he never felt it was the right time. After he left, my landlord started flirting with me.
As a newly single woman, the landlord decided I was fair game. He made it clear he wanted me. I let him down as gently as I could, but in the process we became friends. He and I had several long conversations.
He’s a widower, and lonely. We went out for coffee and I invited him to church. Then I broached the subject of buying the house I was renting.
My ex and I had discussed this several times. After he left, I thought about moving, to escape the memories and make a fresh start. But then I decided it was more practical to stay put. I feel comfortable in the house, I hate moving and I don’t want to leave my friends and community.
So I decided I’d buy the house.
When I asked my new friend, my landlord, what he wanted for it — he gave me a good deal. Since he was selling to me directly, he was going to be saving on the realtor’s fees — instead of splitting these with me, he deducted them from the cost of the house.
If my husband had not left, none of this would have happened. We’d still be renting because my ex wanted to hit certain milestones before becoming a homeowner. And I wouldn’t have gotten such a good deal on the house.
Conclusion
Overall, I’d say the divorce has been a net positive for my life. While I would never have left my husband, I think in some ways he did me a favor by leaving me.
Since the divorce, I’ve felt stronger, more independent and more emotionally nurtured. My friendships have gotten stronger, I’ve accomplished things I’d put off for years and I have the stability of being a home-owner.
Obviously your mileage may vary if you are going through a divorce. However, if you look for opportunities when you go through a major change, you can improve your outlook and your life. You can always find the silver lining in any situation if you try.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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