You can’t believe how television and movies portray love.
That love is scripted and meant to entertain you. Drama is added to keep you interested in the story.
If you’re trying to figure out what love is, don’t rely on what you see on the big screen. You could be misguided on love and wasting your time with the wrong person.
You might be miserable, in desperate need of change, and stay because you think love is involved.
Since I’ve been happily married for 10 years, I’m been lucky enough to experience true love. The love I experienced did not resemble the heated arguments and emotional distress I saw on movies and television.
In fact, let me share my experiences so you can make better, more informed, decisions about your relationships. Before I describe what love is really like, let me first tell you what you’ve been getting wrong about love.
What love isn’t
Love is not a negative emotion
“Love is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, proud or rude. Love isn’t selfish or quick-tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.” — I Corinthians 13:4–6
People often wrongly accuse romantic love of things it didn’t do. After a breakup, we often blame the terrible way we feel on love.
It isn’t love that caused the negative emotion. It could be that you’re hurt that your relationship ended, you feel betrayed because you were cheated on, or you’re scared that you will never find someone who truly loves you.
You may even declare that you’ll never love or get in a relationship again because of the negative way you feel after a bad relationship ended.
However, you shouldn’t blame love for your awful feeling. The love scripture listed above is read at many weddings. It acts as a guide to newlyweds of what love is and what love is not.
The verse says that love isn’t:
- jealous
- arrogant
- prideful
- rude
- selfish or
- easily angered
Yet, when these emotions show up in a relationship, you may blame love.
Love is a positive emotion that you should anticipate, cherish, and enjoy. These negative characteristics should not be associated with love.
Don’t be afraid of love. It is meant to enhance your life, not make it worse.
Love does not hurt you
“You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.” — Nina Simone
There’s a movie called, What’s love got to do it. It tells the life and story of iconic 80’s singer, Tina Turner, who had a hit song that shares the same name as the movie.
Throughout the movie, “What’s Love Got to Do it,” Tina Turner is beaten up and abused by her husband and manager, Ike Turner. The name of the movie fits very well with what happens in the movie.
So, what does love got to do with what happens in the movie? The answer is absolutely nothing. Love does not hurt you. Love is not physical, mental, or verbal abuse.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who hurts you, don’t confuse what they are doing with love. Love does not show up that way.
You need to get help, go to couple’s therapy, or leave the situation. What you’re experiencing is not love. You don’t have to endure pain to experience love.
Love is not an intense passion all of the time
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?” — Nicholas Sparks
Pick a movie, any movie about love, and you’ll see the passionate love of a couple. Movies such as:
Love Jones, and
Netflix movies The Kissing Booth and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before – all feature passionate kisses and couples who can’t get enough of each other.
You may think that love is like this all the time. However, this type of passion is only expected to last two or three years, according to Dr. Fred Nour, neurologist and author of the book, True Love: How to Use Science to Understand Love.
In an airing of The Today Show, he described the phases of love, based on the chemicals we have in our brain. Out of the four phases he named, one phase is to fall in romantic love while another phase is falling out of romantic love.
The last phase, and most enduring phase, is true love. It happens after the intense romantic love phase has ended, according to Dr. Nour.
If you’re expecting the intense romantic love to always be there, think again. Instead, this is what you should expect from long-term love.
What love is like
Love is kind
…love is kind… — I Corinthians 13:4
In the love scripture, love is described as kind. Kindness is also the top character trait that women across the world say is most important in looking for a mate.
It’s one of my favorite character traits about my husband. He has always done kind things to show his love for me. When we were dating, he surprised me with a playlist of all of my favorite songs.
Throughout our marriage, he has maintained his kindness by being extremely encouraging and supportive of me achieving my goals.
He is not like some people I’ve met who are only kind sometimes. Other times they are really mean and you don’t know which version of them you’re going to get.
While everyone who is kind to you, does not necessarily love you. Anyone who says they love you, should be kind to you.
If that person is not kind to you, you should question whether that person really does love you.
Love feels comfortable
“When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.” — Jess C. Scott
Before I met my husband, I wasn’t sure if I ever experienced love. After we met and dated, I was sure that I loved him. I never felt so comfortable with any other guy. Our relationship was easy and natural.
He told me he loved me early in our relationship. When I asked him recently how he knew he loved me back then, he said he felt, “a level of comfort” that he had not experienced with any other woman.
Love should feel comfortable for you. You shouldn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable with the person you love. You shouldn’t feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner.
It should be an open and honest relationship where you can talk about anything.
While the intense passion is not there all the time, we still love each other. However, most of the time, our relationship is us being completely comfortable with each other.
It’s a comfort that I hope to experience for many years to come.
Love is a noun and a verb
“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” — Steve Maraboli
When most people first think of love, they think of the feeling of love. Others like to clarify that love is an action. I say love is both. It’s a feeling and it is action. It’s both a noun and a verb.
Not only do you want someone to show love to you, but you also want to feel that love. You don’t want a mismatch where someone is doing several acts of love, but you don’t love them.
On the other hand, you don’t want to feel like you’re in love, but your love interest doesn’t do any action to show that love.
With my husband, I feel love towards him and I express my love with one of the five love languages, whether it’s acts of service, physical touch, or writing articles that describe how much I love him.
By doing these actions (the verb), I make sure that he knows my feelings (the noun) toward him. He treats me the same way. His actions express his feelings for me.
It’s just as the above Steve Maraboli quote says, when he says he loves me, it just validates what he already shows me.
Make sure the way your partner says they feel about you, matches their actions. If there’s not a match, it may be a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Love is nothing to fear or worry about experiencing. If you’re having a miserable experience with love, this is what you’re getting wrong about it:
- love is not a negative emotion
- love does not hurt you
- love is not an intense passion all of the time
Instead, this is a better description of love:
- love is kind
- love feels comfortable
- love is a noun and a verb
If your relationship doesn’t reflect a positive view of love, you have to consider whether you’re in the right relationship or with the right person.
If you haven’t experienced love yet, remember that when you do, it will be an amazing experience. If it’s not satisfying and pleasing, then it isn’t love.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Raul De Los Santos on Unsplash
