Romantic relationships are an enormous source of joy. Cozy nights wrapped together in a blanket watching your favorite movie, only pausing it to grab more snacks or dance the horizontal tango. Wild nights out stuffing your mouths at restaurants, letting lose at bars, and making out in the taxi back home. Vacations, intimate talks, steamy sex, and feeling your heart skip a beat whenever a new message pops up on your phone.
At least, that’s what they’re like in the beginning.
Over time, the magic often fades, disagreements turn into arguments, and smooth sailing becomes rough waters.
It’s a normal process. There will always be ups and downs in any relationship and even the happiest couples clash every now and then. You work through it, practice mutual understanding, draw learnings from your mistakes, and move on.
Except sometimes you don’t. You both promise betterment but two weeks later you’re in the same spot and nothing has changed. Sometimes you can’t even come to an agreement at all. The issue remains unsolved because you’re both tired of talking for hours with nothing to show.
“Oh my god, not again.”
You told your partner you’d like to see them show more initiative instead of having to do all the work yourself, yet they stay passive and put.
You asked for more space, but they cling to you like chewing gum to the underside of a table. Or you’re the one who frequently gets rejected and doesn’t understand why — does she not love you?
Why do some relationships always end up in the same spot? Why do the same issues turn up time after time?
The reason isn’t an ignorant partner who doesn’t want to change. Rather, it’s the underlying dynamic of the relationship.
From my experience and the relationships I’ve coached, there are three super common patterns at the heart of most recurring problems.
The Ghost and the Clinger
In movies and books, ghosts usually have three very distinct characteristics. One, they live in old, rundown mansions where a bloody and excruciating murder took place. Two, they are extremely hard to catch if you go after them. Three, they come to haunt you when you least expect it. Bloody murders don’t make for great relationships, so let’s forget about the first one and focus on numbers two and three.
The ghost often needs space for themselves, which deprives the clinger of the joy of proximity and increases their desire for time together. They hold on even harder, which only drives the ghost further away. The clinger feels neglected and undesired, while the ghost feels overwhelmed and constricted.
My girlfriend and I enjoy spending time together, whether we lie in bed talking or hammer away at our keyboards. She is incredibly loving, affectionate, and nurturing. She loves waking up together and being close to me. When I go brush my teeth at night, she sometimes joins me in the bathroom just to hold hands. It’s one of the cutest and most loving behaviors I’ve ever witnessed. The feeling of being loved to such an extent is indescribably beautiful.
While I love spending as much time with her as I can, I need some space for myself every now and then. She isn’t clingy, but there were cases where I felt overwhelmed by her love and desire to spend time with me. I needed a few days for myself, which caused her to miss me even more, which made me feel more overwhelmed, which… You get the idea.
The core problem of this dynamic is its self-reinforcing nature. As the clinger, you long for having your love reciprocated and will chase the ghost for it. The harder you push, the more you drive your partner away. As the ghost, every time the other person reaches for you, you pull back further and deprive them of the love and connection they long for.
The key to breaking this pattern is an open and honest talk. The wheel that takes up speed rolling down the hill needs to be stopped to reset the current dynamics.
If you feel overwhelmed by your partner’s desire to be with you, communicate it. Tell them that while you indeed love them to bits, you need some time and space for yourself. Only when they do so can you reciprocate. Take your time and make a move towards them once you’re ready to show your love and affection.
If you feel like you’re chasing your partner but they keep withdrawing, explain your feelings. Ask them why they withdraw, and dial your advances down a notch or two. Give your partner the space they need, and you’ll be surprised how willing they’ll be to give back once they’ve had time for themselves.
The Victim and the Savior
The victim is always in trouble. Life seems to throw them curveball after curveball, and they often find themselves in a mess hard to get out of. Luckily, the savior shows up every time the events take an ugly turn and is ready to rescue his beloved one from the evil forces of the world.
Your laptop broke? No worries, I’ll fix it.
You didn’t cook dinner and are too broke to eat out? Pass me the pan, I’ll see what I can do.
You can’t figure out how to write a resume? Here, let me give you a hand.
Can you see why these two almost inevitably end up together? They’re a great match — albeit, an unhealthy one.
The victim starts fires because they obtain validation and self-worth when someone looks after them. The savior draws his self-worth from putting out the fires, hoping this will win them the victim’s love.
It’s the old story about the damsel in distress and white knight in shining armor, but the record is stuck on repeat.
Three years ago, unbeknownst to me at the time, I found myself in a victim-savior relationship. She had tons of trouble and problems in her life and needed me to solve them. I depended on the regular boosts in self-esteem and validation I got from pulling her out of the mess and was desperate for love. The result? A vicious cycle that sucked us in deeper and deeper, until I pulled the plug.
The underlying problem of this dynamic is both rely on external validation and measures of self-worth. Their behaviors reinforce each other in their detrimental ways of being. The victim will never learn to solve problems themselves, while the savior will never feel worthy of love if they don’t clean up someone’s mess for them.
They lack healthy boundaries. The victim passes the responsibility for their feelings and problems to the savior, who willingly takes it on until they either get tired of it or succumb under the load.
Unless, of course, they break the pattern.
The first step is awareness. Bring the issue to attention and talk about it.
As the savior, you’ll get tired of finding yourself knee-deep in the shit the victim keeps shoveling. As the victim, you’ll want to take charge of your own life and become more independent.
Breaking an established pattern isn’t easy and there are mechanisms at work trying to pull you back into it. When the savior withdraws his boundless support, the victim feels rejected and vice-versa. No matter which side you’re on, the refusal makes you feel unworthy and unloved.
Both the victim and the savior have to draw clear boundaries and stick to them. Make up your mind about where you draw the line, then communicate this in an open talk. When the time comes and you have to stand your ground, do so in a non-judgmental and respectful way. Show the other you love them but leave no wiggle room for relapse.
“I appreciate your willingness to help, but this is my problem. I don’t want you to fix it for me. Please just support me while I figure it out myself.”
“I am here for you, but you have to take care of that yourself. This is your problem and I’m happy to give advice if you want, but I won’t do it for you.”
Helping someone help themselves is more effective than doing it for them.
You have to learn to seek your self-worth in yourself instead of others. It’s a lengthy process, but if you don’t, you’ll always be a sucker for external validation. Build your self-esteem, get clear about your values, and figure out what you want to do with your life.
The Active and the Passive
Akin to the victim and the savior, the active and the passive are a great match on paper. One likes to take initiative while the other one likes to be taken by the hand.
You’re complementary. If you’re the active part, you appreciate the calmness and relaxed attitude of the passive. If you’re the passive one, you enjoy the uplifting energy and action-taking that the active one brings to the table.
So far, so good. The problem is that when external issues arise, tension builds because you have different problem-solving styles. The active likes to attack and take charge, while the passive withdraws, avoids, and waits.
The active wants to fix the broken dishwasher right now, while the passive doesn’t mind waiting for the weekend.
The active wants to do talk about the lack of adventure in the bedroom, while the passive chooses to wait until it fixes itself.
If you’re the active part, you feel like your partner is sticking their head in the sand and you can’t rely on them. You feel like they’re being lazy and not on your side, and you push them to grow up and take charge of their lives.
If you’re the passive one, you feel like your partner is overreactive, stressed out, micromanages you, or makes mountains out of molehills.
The cycle continues until you both get stuck in your own view or neither of you knows what’s real anymore. Eventually, the active one burns out or the passive one gets tired of the constant drama and tension.
To break the pattern, both have to compromise. Both of you have to acknowledge their own shortcomings. The active part has to step down, and the passive one has to step up. Remember you’re not against each other, but together against the problem. The next time an issue arises, use the following process.
If you’re the active part, allow your partner to handle problems in their own way. Let them decide how to deal with it but have them tell you what they’re going to do, and when.
If you’re the passive part, realize that you can do your partner a real solid by showing commitment to solving a problem. Do it on your own terms but show them they can rely on you and you’ll keep your word.
Agree on something factual, like who will do what until when. Then, let your partner work on the problem like they seem fit.
Rebalance your responsibilities. The active and passive pattern doesn’t only show in one specific situation. It’s subliminal but omnipresent, causing an imbalance. As the active part, you feel like you’re taking on much more responsibility than your partner. As the passive, you feel like your partner is constantly at your heels. And because you’ve found yourself in the same conversation so many times, you’re both stubborn and merely argue about whose reality is right instead of looking for solutions.
In such a case, you have to reassess your responsibilities. Sit together and write down a list of who does what. This gives you something factual to base your thoughts and arguments on instead of going back and forth about whose reality is right.
If you’ve found yourself in one of these patterns, don’t worry. It neither means your relationship is doomed nor that you’re an awful human being.
You’re deeply and emotionally involved in your relationships by their very nature, so you often don’t see the forest for the trees. But every challenge is an opportunity to work together, grow, reinforce your bond, and come out stronger in the end. And by recognizing a pattern you’ve already taken the first step. You’re on your way towards a better future filled with more connection, understanding, love, and joy.
I help men connect with their masculinity, create a meaningful life, and build better relationships by being more authentic. Sign up for my free 5-minute newsletter and become part of The Authentic Man tribe!
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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