When I was younger, I thought being in love was enough for a relationship to work out.

After thirteen years of dating and a 5-year relationship, I realized love sometimes isn’t enough. Last year I broke up with my partner, even though I still had feelings for him.

I needed to save myself from more pain.

Toxic behavior, childhood traumas, gaslighting, cheating…There are multiple reasons why relationships end.

But what about the relationships that do work out greatly?

Healthy relationships aren’t only built on fidelity, honesty, and common interests. They go deeper than that. Happy relationships share a unique connection.

“Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” — Brené Brown

After reading 5+ books on healthy couples, listening to multiple relationship podcasts, and talking to couples that truly inspire me, I’ve found three crucial traits that go beyond the things we already know about happy romantic relationships. Find out what these traits were and built a unique connection with your partner as well.

. . .

They validate each other.

Have you ever felt like someone’s just listening to you but not hearing you?

A strong and healthy human connection can only exist if people try to understand each other. When we feel like the other person understands us, we can even get another perspective on our issues and find valuable solutions.

Imagine you feel overwhelmed because you had a stressful day at work. You come home and tell your partner about it. Two answers your partner could give would be:

1. “I am sorry, honey. There’s some pasta left in the fridge. You’ll feel better after eating something.”
2. “You must feel so exhausted after such a long day at work. I would be super tired as well. Do you want to talk about it?”

Which answer feels more validating to you?

Most of you would take number two as their preferred reaction. Why? Because the other person really tries to understand what is going on. Your partner is empathetic enough to imagine what you’re going through.

The relationship guide “I Hear You” reveals that validation does not only help couples to see and feel seen; it can even reveal new insights for the person who is struggling.

After being asked what was going on at work, you tell your partner how unfairly your boss treated you and reminded you of how unfairly you were treated as a child. You realize there’s an old wound inside you that makes you feel tiny when someone criticizes you, so you decide to observe this feeling more in the future and talk to your boss.

“Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.” — Richard Carlson

Happy couples use validation automatically, and even if you are not familiar with the concept of validation yet, it is something you can train. You will see that your relationships become stronger, and you will get back validation as well.

The principles of validation are:

• You give your undivided attention. You turn off your mobile devices and look into your partner’s eyes.
• You try to understand your partner’s feelings and express what it would make you feel like. For example: “I don’t blame you for being angry. I would be so annoyed if my friend would act like this.”
• You don’t offer advice immediately. You listen to what your partner has to say. If you have some good advice, ask if they want to hear it.

. . .

They share feminist values.

A study of Rutgers University found that relationships with two feminist partners are happier than traditional relationships.

Negative stereotypes of feminists, especially female feminists, lead people to distance themselves from this term. The study showed that especially young participants (college-aged) believed men would rather not date feminist women. It would make them feel emasculated.

Contrary to the results of this survey, researcher Laurie Rudman found surprising results on feministic values and relationships. She says:

“If you’re a woman paired with a male feminist, you have a healthier relationship across the board”

Your relationship is not only healthier in terms of equality but also stability and sexual satisfaction.

Feminist Gina Ogden, who surveyed almost four thousand people for her book “The Heart and Soul of Sex,” states that feminist relationships are happier because they allow both partners to express themselves sexually. She says:

“In an egalitarian relationship, there is more flow of give and take and that’s the romantic tension. That tension — the sexual desire — is in that space between you where you’re able to flow back and forth.”

Happy couples have a fulfilled sex life where they can express themselves without being ashamed of their desires. They share feminist values, which allows both to grow personally and equally.

The principles of feminist values in romantic relationships are:

• You always consider both sides even when it comes to traditionally submitted roles to men or women. For example, the woman isn’t automatically the one who stays at home with the kids.
• Both of you are allowed to express sexual desires. The woman wants to be dominant in bed and doesn’t like the missionary position? Then try a new position you both enjoy equally.
• You both stay educated in terms of feminism. There is an immense demand for making feminist topics more visible. Multiple belief patterns are still anti-feminist, even in modern, industrialized countries. You are aware of this fact and implement feminism in your relationship.

. . .

They are best friends.

Do you know couples who do not talk to each other about relevant topics?

A friend of mine is in a relationship that works perfectly in public. They are both good-looking, earn a nice sum of money and share similar values. But sometimes, I am shocked by what they do not share. It seems like they do not know their partner at all. And it doesn’t make them happy. My friend doesn’t feel appreciated in her relationship and thinks about breaking up.

A study on marriage by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that “people who consider their spouse to be their best friend are almost twice as satisfied in their marriages as other people.”

My experience is similar. It has always been important for me to share my deepest thoughts and emotions with my partner. Some people might consider it dangerous to trust one person so deeply. In my opinion, true intimacy can only arise when we share our emotions and treat our partner like our best friend.

How to be best friends with your partner:

• Vulnerability is one of the main traits of happy couples. Talk about your fears and dreams. Open up and be clear about what you need. Only if you express your needs, your partner will be able to meet them.
• Store your memories in the form of photo albums, journals, or videos. Take your time to remember good times with your partner and make new experiences.
• Only share the things you feel comfortable with. Your partner doesn’t need to know everything. If you are not ready to open up yet, take your time to feel ready to do so.

. . .

Closing words

If a couple creates validation, equality, and friendship, they have a healthy foundation for a happy future.

If you want to implement these traits yourself, make sure to:

• Practice validation with your partner. Listen to your partner without distractions. Ask them to do the same for you. Try to understand each other’s feelings. You don’t need to agree, but a successful conversation needs validation.
• Create equality in your relationship. Especially as a woman, it is crucial to insist on your rights. Don’t stop prioritizing your career if it doesn’t feel right to you. You are equal partners and have the same right to lead a fulfilling life.
• Be friends with your partner. Be brave enough to share your vulnerable side. You will gain true intimacy in your relationship.

Take care!

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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