We talk about sex too much…and yet not enough.
We talk about surface-level body parts and techniques but we rarely have meaningful conversations about intimacy.
We love to be sexually vulnerable but are rarely emotionally vulnerable with our partners.
Our need for true intimacy (emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) has been overshadowed by society’s emphasis on the physical. The more society celebrates “hookup culture,” the more this gap widens.
The more mindless sex we have, the further we are from achieving true intimacy with our partners.
Here are four conversations every couple should have before they introduce sex into their relationship.
(But few actually do.)
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The meaning of sex
Men and women are naturally inclined to view sex differently. The old saying goes, “Men use love to get sex, and women use sex to get love.”
Generally, sex is more of an emotional experience for women and a physical experience for men.
While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, both parties involved need to come to a common understanding of what they are entering into together. If one person views sex as a special and emotional experience and the other sees it as just an enjoyable bodily function, there are going to be problems.
If one person views sex as the ultimate expression of love that should be reserved for a singular spouse, and the other views it as an exchange that should be shared with multiple romantic partners throughout a lifetime, there are going to be problems.
If one person believes that sex means, “I love you and will remain committed to you” and the other does not, there are going to be problems.
I think you understand what I’m saying here.
Regardless of a person’s views on the topic, it is always better to discuss with your partner before you do the act.
When a couple fails to do this, it can only lead to a world of hurt.
Sex and its consequences
Any person engaging in sexual acts should be aware of its consequences.
Sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy are the obvious ones. This is why it is deeply important to be aware and take appropriate measures if you are going to engage in sex with different partners, risky partners, or partners with whom you do not want to become pregnant (or whom you do not wish to impregnate).
(It is also important to consider that any form of contraceptive will come with side effects and that not all STDs are necessarily detectable at all times.)
However, they aren’t the only sexual “side effects.”
The less obvious consequences may include emotional bonding, feelings of regret or guilt, and increased feelings of anxiety. Depending on a person’s worldview, spiritual or religious beliefs, and moral values these emotions can play out in different ways.
The important thing to remember is that when you choose to engage in sex with another person, you are opening yourself up to the potential physical and emotional risks that come with that choice.
Sexual history
We like to use cute phrases like, “the past is in the past” but it would be foolish to pretend that a person’s sexual history is completely separate from the present.
Things like sexual traumas, previous partners, and pornography use all shape the way that we think and feel about sex.
Your sexual past matters and should be unpacked before hopping into bed with someone new.
Even if you haven’t had sex before (or have been abstinent for a long period of time) you still have an attitude toward sex that was likely informed by your upbringing in some way.
It is important to understand how your past has shaped the person that you are today, and that you are in a healthy mindset about sex and sexuality — before you share that part of yourself with someone else.
When we don’t process our sexual history, we are prone to making the same mistakes over and over again, and being stuck in a cycle of unhappiness and disappointment.
When our partners aren’t honest with us about their history, we are unable to fully trust or embrace them for exactly who they are.
Do’s and dont’s
While this doesn’t have to be a rigid contract, boundaries in the bedroom are extremely important.
Which acts are both you and your potential partner okay with? Do either of you desire acts that the other finds offensive or demeaning? Do both of you respect the wishes of the other? Is there a level of trust and respect present that if one person were to ask to stop, the other person would listen?
Both partners should agree and fully consent to whichever act is taking place. There should never be coercion, pressure, or force involved in any bedroom activity.
Sometimes we make the assumption that everyone is into the same things that we are. This may not be the case.
That is why it is extremely important to have open conversations about what is on (or off) the table.
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Final thoughts
It may not be “fun” or “sexy” to talk about these things but it is extremely helpful.
Many couples would be happier if they made the effort to get the difficult conversations out of the way before jumping into the bedroom.
If it is true intimacy you are seeking in your relationships, you must be willing to put the effort in to build it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
