New relationships are exciting. They’re filled with deep conversations, illuminating ‘firsts’, and an unnatural abundance of morning sex.
You get butterflies when their name lights up your phone. The world and everything in it looks a little bit brighter.
But don’t let infatuation stop you from spotting the deal-breakers.
You know the ones — the things they do that make you uncomfortable. The endlessly irritating habits you try to accept and yet just can’t.
As a seasoned red-flag-ignorer, and as someone who is perpetually determined to see the very best in people, I’ve learned that there are some red flags you should never ignore.
. . .
#1 — They always call their ex ‘crazy’.
Most people have something a little negative to say about their ex, but if your new beau constantly makes derogatory comments about theirs, be suspicious.
Men have been calling women crazy as a way to devalue them for centuries. Calling someone crazy instantly makes their version of events seem less credible.
Perhaps your person has unresolved issues with their ex and calls them crazy to pass the buck or avoid talking about what really happened.
We should all be able to look back at our previous relationships and honestly appraise them. We should be able to acknowledge the mistakes that we made and discern what actually went wrong. That’s how we learn. If someone is unable to do that, it doesn’t bode well for their future relationships.
. . .
#2 —They try to rush you.
Don’t be rushed into sex, don’t be rushed into meeting the family, and don’t be rushed into going official. Refuse to be rushed into ANYTHING.
Someone that truly cares about you will respect your boundaries. If they try to push you at the beginning of the relationship it’s just a hint of what’s to come.
For example, you might think it’s cute they’re so desperate to go Facebook official, even when knowing you’re hesitant, but maybe they just want to lay claim to you. Is it about love, or is it about possession?
All parties involved in a relationship should be comfortable with its pace.
. . .
#3 — They always want more of your time.
The beginning of a relationship is usually filled with boundless infatuation. You can’t get them off your mind and you want to spend every waking minute in their presence.
While that’s a great feeling, maintaining your independence and your own sense of identity is important, particularly at the beginning of a relationship.
If your new partner starts complaining that you spend too much time with your friends or that you care more about your career than you do about them, hit the brakes. This is your life and you should be doing what you want.
Your time is your most precious asset. Spend it as you will.
. . .
#4 — They constantly bring up the past.
Most of us have made some pretty monumental errors in our lives, particularly in the throws of youth. Sharing those kinds of stories is a great way to bond, laughing over the foolishness of yesteryears.
But the past should stay behind us. If you’re with someone who constantly throws things in your face, or is still suffering from their past experiences and taking it out on you, then you need to retreat.
If you’re with someone who can’t accept your past, how can the two of you have a future?
. . .
#5 — They rely on you for everything.
They always ask you to borrow money, they rely you on for their happiness, and they vent to you all day every day.
You’re their personal bank, their therapist, their taxi driver, and their parent.
But you shouldn’t be any of those things. If a person can’t take care of themselves, how are they going to take care of you? When a new love interest starts showing their incapability to ‘adult’, know that your relationship will probably always revolve around you helping them.
You need to find yourself an equal.
. . .
The takeaway.
Red flags can be different for each of us because we’re all looking for different things in our romantic relationships.
But from personal experience, I’ve learnt that the red flags above need to be addressed sooner rather than later.
We all pick up bad habits and sometimes carry them into new relationships, no matter how hard we try to avoid this. Having an honest conversation about your concerns might be all that’s needed for your new partner to address their behaviour.
On the other hand, it’s not your job to fix anyone. If they’re not committed to working on themselves, just leave. If life is too short to drink bad wine, it’s certainly too short to endure bad relationships.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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