Many of us have found true love on dating sites, but many more of us haven’t and probably never will.
—
I will not meet my next girlfriend online.
That’s a sad realization to come to after spending $150 on a Match.com membership and hundreds of dollars more on first dates that came to nothing, but after two years, I’m ready to call it quits.
I know I’m not the only one, though. Many of us have found true love on dating sites, but many more of us haven’t and probably never will. It doesn’t mean we’re bad people or even bad partners; it just means online dating isn’t the right way for people like us to find partners who are good for us. Here’s why:
You’re an Introvert
I know, I know. You’d think online dating would be a perfect way for introverts to meet new people, but it isn’t. That’s because the only “introverted” part of online dating is the initial contact. The actual meeting that follows is done in a high-anxiety social setting, which means you probably won’t be as charming in person as you presented yourself on the website.
Is anyone really joining a dating site to meet “cool” people? That seems like a waste of time.
|
Introverts do better in one-on-one social settings than in a group, but chances are a stranger isn’t going to want to meet you one-on-one unless there are lots of other people around. Everything in online dating is based on snap judgments, so if you strike out on a first date because you were nervous, there’s next to no chance you’ll get another at-bat.
You’re a Hopeless Romantic
Everyone on these sites (myself included) says the same thing: “I’m just on here trying to meet cool new people, but I’m not opposed to a serious relationship if I find the right person.” Is anyone really joining a dating site to meet “cool” people? That seems like a waste of time. When I was on a dating site, I was trying to fall in love. Isn’t that the goal they sell you with names like Match, OKCupid, and eHarmony?
But no matter how elaborate a person’s dating profile is, you don’t really know the person just from reading it. They don’t know you, either. When they message you to say they connected with something on your profile, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll connect with you in person. We all go onto these sites with a vision of what our ideal partner will be, and when we find an online profile that appears to meet our pre-set criteria, all we’re really doing is putting a face on this fantasy partner we’ve created in our heads.
Many men are just on these sites to get laid, many women are just on these sites to get free expensive dinners, and everyone is hoping for an ego boost …
|
If you show up to your first date thinking you’ve already met your soul mate, you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment as you quickly discover the person you’re actually meeting is not the person you dreamed up. If that’s your dating style, always looking for “the one,” you should look among the people you meet in person. That way you can be pleasantly surprised by the things you learn about your compatibility, rather than disappointed by the lack of compatibility you end up having after trying to force it based on what a website or phone app said.
You’re Shallow
Again, online dating seems perfect for shallow people, right? The whole system is geared toward physical attraction: they show you the person’s photo before showing you anything else about the person, and you swipe left or right based on your impression of that photo, often before even reading what they have to say. On Match.com, every profile lists the height, body type, hair color, race, and income requirements of their ideal partner, but very few profiles tell you what kind of connection the person is looking for.
Many men are just on these sites to get laid, many women are just on these sites to get free expensive dinners, and everyone is hoping for an ego boost as they filter through what feels like an endless sea of options. We all like the power of being able to choose our ideal partner rather than settling for the person that happens to be available, but if you’re choosing based on superficiality, you’ll probably end up settling in the long run.
You’re not a bad person for hoping to find a tall, wealthy man or a young, slender woman, but in the end, you’re looking for an ideal partnership, not a person with an ideal exterior. And we are much better about this when interacting in person than when interacting online. In person, women don’t scoff at short or destitute men simply because of their height and means, nor do men scoff at bigger or older women. We interact with them, get to know them, and while we might not have seen them as our ideal partner at first, we might learn something about them over time that changes our mind.
You’re An Internet Stalker
When you create an online dating profile, you carefully select what you want suitors to know about you. You select certain pictures, reveal certain details about yourself, and (usually) use a fake username until it’s time to formally introduce yourself, at which point you (usually) only give your first name. Yet once you reveal enough information, it’s easy for someone to find your social media accounts, which might contain less flattering photos, more intimate personal information, and information about exes, family members, co-workers, bosses, and friends, all of which a random person on OKCupid has no business knowing.
The rest of us should stop being so lazy, put down our phones, get off our computers and find a hobby where we’ll meet new people.
|
When we engage in this, we don’t call it “stalking;” we call it “vetting.” We want to know as much as possible about this stranger before agreeing to meet them in person. We aren’t looking at anything that isn’t available to the public; it’s just the way we found that information that’s questionable. We’re scared of what they might be, but when we invade their privacy in this way, we become the scary ones.
You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands
Nothing says “delusional” like obsessively checking your phone hoping you’ll find your next girlfriend in it, but I’ve been that delusional guy more times than I’d like to admit. We all have. And what’s more, while I was busy sifting through Tinder profiles in search of “the one,” the rest of the world lost me. I fell behind in my work, stopped going to the gym, and my family members complained that I never returned phone calls from the people who actually loved me.
If you’re already the type of person who wastes too much time on the Internet, chances are you’ll become the type of person who wastes too much time on dating sites. You’ll get addicted to them, never put your phone down, and sneak on at the most inappropriate times.
Dating sites aren’t for people with too much free time; they’re for people with too little free time, people who have no way of finding the right person except on a dating site. Dating sites are for the full-time parents and the people working 60-hour weeks who only get that one Tuesday night to have a drink with someone in the hope that it turns into more. The rest of us should stop being so lazy, put down our phones, get off our computers and find a hobby where we’ll meet new people. Play an intramural sport. Take a random class. Audition for a community theatre production. Heck, at least go to a bar. But don’t waste your valuable time & money on dating sites or apps unless you absolutely have to. I learned the hard way that I don’t have to, and that’s why I finally stopped swiping.
Also by Giorgio Selvaggio
Photo: Getty Image
Once I red some article that really made me think about dating problems. Some guy wrote: “I have a good job. I am athletic and health oriented. I am the boy next door. I live right outside of one of the largest and gayest cities in the world. I have awesome family and friends. Oh, and I happen to have HIV.”
Is there any hope for his dating life? Or there are still so many uneducated people.
Only support I saw in some online dating sites, so hiv dating can be possible.
More related articles – http://missbrideworld.com/blog/category/online-dating/
Best dating advice I got from my gay friend I met at atlanta.partyline.com chat site. Now I meet new and interesting local singles and have a great time. This has made me a social butterfly and I am now able to open up and be myself without all that awkwardness.
Online dating is good for introvert. You shouldn’t meet often for dating. Some even try international dating at https://victoriyaclub.com/ or okcupid.com to find somebody.