Waves of emotions can come over you when you dig into your attachment style.
You might think about all the mistakes you’ve made in the past or have confidence as you begin your transition into a secure attachment.
The truth is, these thoughts will go back and forth in your head. Don’t feel pressure to move too fast; this is the process.
Some of you might be getting started, and this is day one.
Congratulations!
Are you beginning to understand the power of your attachment style? That is step one in navigating this journey.
Many factors contribute to your evolution, so let’s get you started with some skills that will help you on your path.
Open your eyes
I know this might seem pretty obvious but recognizing your attachment style is a strength you need to build from day one.
Understanding your attachment style is not as simple as “I am a fearful avoidant.”
Your attachment is situational in different personal relationships. It is also complex; you are not necessarily 100% of one style.
You can be composed of a mix of attachment styles, and it is related to the triggers that cause you to have varying behavioral reactions.
You can display dismissive-avoidant behaviors in communication but fearful avoidant in receiving love.
Before you take a deep dive in, make sure you take a series of online tests and narrow down your attachment style.
Don’t pull the trigger
Knowing your triggers is the most helpful strength you can build.
I used to believe that my behaviors in relationships were personal to me rather than related to my attachment style.
When you understand your triggers, you will have a strong hold on your reactions. You will be able to communicate with your partner when something is setting you off.
For example, as someone who is partially dismissive-avoidant, I had a hard time allowing someone into my personal space. Instead of getting annoyed when that space seemed violated, I began to communicate the boundary.
As a result, it became less offensive to explain that my need for space was unrelated to my desire to be around my partner.
Here are some articles to recognize your triggers: Dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, or anxious preoccupied.
Become a robot
Some people are open and accepting of this piece of the building, and some people are not.
You have to become a robot in your relationships.
What does that mean?
Breaking away from your attachment style means understanding that you are a work in progress. It means that you practice what others are already good at executing.
You are going to have to work on your communication. You’ll have conversations that flow like a cheesy therapy session scene in a movie.
You’ll curate a plan to communicate your needs, triggers, values, and your method for resolving conflict. You need a supportive partner who will have these tough conversations with you and work to shift away from your instincts.
Let the ego go
It can be hard to admit where you were wrong and came up short, but accepting your faults can free you and open the door to real growth.
It does not mean you have to go back in time and apologize for every argument with your partner.
It means you clear the slate and start over while recognizing what your behaviors have done to contribute to troubling times in your relationship.
You look inward and externally to see the interconnection your attachment styles play in the dynamic of your relationship.
You have to give to be able to ask.
Your needs cannot supersede your partner’s as you both grow into secure attachments with each other.
Actions and behaviors you have to display will feel unnatural and uncomfortable at times. Good! that is growth.
Stop shaking
When I say stop shaking, I do not mean stop shaking. Let go of the fear that you have built up of accepting change.
I get that you wish you hadn’t made the mistakes in the past, recognized your attachment style earlier, and been a perfect human.
That is impossible, even for someone with a secure attachment style.
You are complex and, by now, have been fortunate to live a long life with a chance to start over.
Embrace the change.
Start over.
Start, today.
Conclusion
As you navigate this journey, do not forget the recurring theme; it is ok if it is day one.
Changing your attachment style can take years, but it starts with the practices and skills that will help your development.
It can feel unnatural and uncomfortable; change is forgetting what you know to accept what you want to learn.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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