“I’m a fucking bull in a china shop,” I said to a female friend as we deconstructed what went wrong, realizing that a pattern of bad behavior has been killing my interactions with women.
One day prior
“Did you really think that was funny?” She said about the joke I sent to the woman I was interested in after calming down from a fit of laughter.
“Yeah, I did, and if she doesn’t get my dark sense of humor, then she’s not for me. That’s who I am — take it or leave it!”
More laughter.
“What?” I asked.
“Are you actively trying to sabotage your relationships?” she asked, but I still didn’t get it.
One day later
“Oh my god,” I said to her as it dawned on me. “My dark sense of humor is a barrier.”
“Explain,” she said.
As if someone threw a large rock at my chest, I sullenly uttered the words into the voice text.
“I’m afraid of her and me working out, so I sabotage it through my off-color jokes. It’s a way to create separation because I’m afraid of getting involved with someone.”
I paused, then said, “Subconsciously, I don’t really want it or think it’s a bad situation, so I cut it off at the pass. I do so by blindly throwing out a joke that creates awkwardness and distance.”
“You said it, not me!” she wrote back, sarcastically acknowledging that she was right — my jokes aren’t funny, and they aren’t meant to be.
I realized then and there that making off-color “jokes” or jabs was not an attempt at comedy but my go-to routine to ensure that I would not feel vulnerable. They were one of several self-protection mechanisms I’ve identified that keep people from putting themselves out there.
***
Have you said any of the following?
- This city is a hard place to date.
- All the good ones are taken.
- Everyone here’s a narcissist.
- There are no good places to meet people.
- I don’t have time to date.
- Women/men are evil.
- No one is good enough for me.
- No one understands me.
- Everyone here is screwed up.
If you’ve said any of the above, I invite you to take a step in the opposite direction and look inward instead of outward. In other words, how are your thoughts, beliefs, and actions behind the wheel of your romantic life?
Are you not getting what you want because of external factors, or is it due to subtle behaviors killing your chances of dating and relating? Below is a list of common ways that people sabotage themselves in romance. Perhaps some of them apply to you.
5 Subtle Ways We Sabotage Ourselves in Romance
1. Making off-color jokes
As I stated earlier, this one’s my default. Things would be going well, and then all of a sudden, my nervous system goes into overdrive, and before I know it, I’m like a Monday night at the hole-in-the-wall comedy club.
I think I’m funny, but what I’m doing is putting up a barrier between her and me, shielding myself from both pain and connection.
If this sounds like you, stop trying to be George Carlin and ask yourself why you’re making a joke. Is it in connection with something you both laughed about, or is it inappropriate and off-putting? Sure there’s time for dark or racy humor, but knowing when takes finesse.
Put in the time and effort to get to know the other person before diving into your standup routine because you might be ruining your chances at love. Be especially mindful of edgy jokes that could be falling into that “too much, too soon” category.
2. Being sarcastic or cynical
This is similar to making off-color jokes, but there’s not much humor to it. This could be anything from minor complaints to grand statements that are a total turn-off.
Be particularly mindful of doing this over text where things can get misconstrued quickly. It’s best to keep things light and positive when you’re still testing each other out in the beginning stages. Save the complaints till things are more established, and you’ve built up an emotional bank account.
Once you’ve established a rhythm with the person you’re dating, a little sarcasm here and there can be entertaining, but doing this too soon could make you seem imbalanced or negative.
3. Pursuing unavailable people
This one needs little explanation, but many people are addicted to solving human puzzles, and trying to wrangle an unavailable person into a relationship is a recipe for heartache.
If you don’t realize you’re doing this, then look at the past ten years of your romantic history. How many of them were taken, lived in another state or country, or showed little to no interest in you. Then ask yourself why you’re not as attracted to available people.
This also ties into the relationship you had with Mom and Dad. If the parent you valued the most was unavailable, you might spend your life trying to fix the past by trying to change others. In your heart, you believe that getting an unavailable person to love you will magically heal the relationship with that parent.
4. Being too busy
While people are starting to realize the detriments of overwork, side-hustle overload, and burnout, we remain as committed to making time for relationships as we are to answering that call labeled Spam Risk.
We have our workout, day job, weekly side hustle, weekend side hustle, a road trip to somewhere Instagram-worthy, seeing our therapist, and trying to make time for friends.
Oh…wow…where did the time go? (Look, I’m being sarcastic!)
If you say you want to date or find a relationship, you have to make time for it — plain and simple. Dating itself can be a lengthy process, and if you’re in a relationship where there’s no time to cultivate it, then guess what? You’ll soon be unfollowing your ex so you don’t see them with their new fling.
5. Perfectionism
I’ve saved the most insidious for last because perfectionism is almost a disease in itself, and people who have it most likely inherited it from their parents. It’s undoubtedly generational, although some variances could exist.
These people punish themselves (via the inner critic) for not being an all-knowing god whose physical appearance is that of a photoshopped print model, so they punish others for not being so either.
In a classic case of avoidant behavior, those infected with perfectionism will idealize unavailable people and then pick them apart if they happen to reciprocate. The romantic lives of these types become littered with “flawed” individuals who were too human to date.
In my experience, those with perfectionism have both a fear of being trapped and an unhealthy attachment to status, meaning that they see other people as a reflection of themselves, giving them the power to either heighten or lower their ranks in the tribe.
If this sounds like you, look at others who only date “trophies” and those who date for genuine compatibility. Who do you admire more? Who do you think is happier?
***
So ask yourself — “Do I really want a relationship? Do I really want to date this person, or do I only say I want to?”
In other words, look at your actions because those are what determine what your destiny is. If you’re saying you want someone but are doing things to sabotage it, then perhaps you’re dealing with denial. I invite you to examine what’s underneath the hood here.
The subconscious is a lot “smarter” and much more powerful than the conscious mind, so bringing to light your true motivating factors is necessary for alignment in words and actions. Without that awareness, we’ll continue to rob ourselves of opportunities through self-sabotage or what’s really our subconscious trying to protect us.
Understanding why our behaviors are misaligned with our words, thoughts, and feelings will allow for the congruency necessary in creating healthy relationships. Without it, dating will remain a confusing arena where we say we want one thing and act in opposing directions.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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