5 Things I Did To Stop Choosing the Wrong Partners

My first real relationship started when I was a sophomore in high school, and I can still remember exactly how we started dating. I thought he was cute and funny, and whenever we were around each other, he gave me butterflies. I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not and it all felt kind of confusing, but as soon as I figured it out, we started dating almost immediately and declared ourselves in love not long after that. It started the way a lot of high school relationships probably start — but as I got older, a lot of those criteria for choosing partners didn’t seem to change much, and I know I’m not alone in that.

As I navigated the world of dating, there were so many signs that I and everyone around me were going about the process of choosing romantic partners all wrong. Honestly, it feels like your twenties are mostly spent choosing the wrong partners and hoping for the best, but ending up feeling the worst. Now I’ve reached my thirties, and frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m not doing it anymore.

Over the past year, I’ve continuously looked at myself and reflected on the things I’ve accepted and why, and how I can get what I want and respect myself more going forward. Now, whenever I go on a first date or start talking to a new person, I’m conscious of the things I used to do in the past that led to some less than ideal situations. Instead, I try and do the opposite, and so far, it’s been working pretty well. I won’t get it right every time, and I’m being gentle with myself through that process, but still. I’ve made a lot of progress.

Since I actively decided to stop choosing the wrong partners, I’ve met some wonderful people, and I’m committed to staying on this path because it’s pretty damn great.

I stopped listening to the “butterflies”.

When a friend is telling me about someone new they just started seeing, they often like to say, “They gave me such butterflies,” or, “I really felt a spark.” It’s a measurement society teaches us to use to determine whether or not we’re into someone right off the bat. I used to look for it too. I’d crave that deep, intense feeling that coursed throughout my entire body.

Until I realized that feeling was actually anxiety.

Now, instead of butterflies, I look for a sense of calm. When I’m getting to know someone, I don’t want an anxious, “where is this going and do they even feel the same way” kind of feeling. I want a calm, “we’re on the same page and building a strong foundation” kind of feeling. That’s the feeling we should all be looking for when we’re starting to see someone new. Security and stability, not nervousness and uncertainty. Even if we don’t know exactly where something is going, we should feel secure in the fact that we can talk to this new person about it without feeling like we’re going to mess things up. That’s the key.

If they tell me they want/don’t want something, I believe them.

When someone says, “Well they said they never want to get married,” how many times have we heard someone else respond with, “Oh, that’ll change,” or, “They just haven’t met the right person yet,” or, “You should stick it out until they change their mind.” There seems to be this belief floating around that if someone says they don’t want something, we shouldn’t give up and should instead stick it out until they do. It’s very, very wrong.

I’ve definitely been guilty of it too. A partner has made their feelings about something very clear and I’ve accepted it, but as our relationship progressed I found myself thinking, “Well, maybe since we’ve gotten closer and it feels like we’re in a different place now, they’ve changed their mind.” Of course, they hadn’t, and my not believing them when they told me the first time led to a lot of hurt on my part. It was a mistake, one that I’m trying not to make anymore.

If someone tells you that they don’t want kids, or marriage, or commitment right now, believe them. Sure, there’s a possibility they could change their mind somewhere down the line. We’re only human, and what we want changes all the time. That’s their choice to make, though, not yours. Waiting around and hoping they’ll change just says to them that you weren’t listening to them or don’t respect what they said, or both — and that sucks.

If you’re choosing to stay with someone who doesn’t want what you want, make sure you’ve both talked about it a lot and are on the same page. If you find out later that one of you was still hoping they’d get what they want despite the other person’s wishes, that’s going to be a pretty painful discovery in a lot of different ways.

I stopped playing guessing games.

Looking back on my romantic relationship history, I’ve spent a lot of time guessing. What do they want out of this relationship? Do they feel the same way I feel? Are we on the same page about the future? Do they feel the same way about something now as they did three months ago? I always had a lot of questions, but I was often too afraid to ask. I was scared that if I brought it up, I would ruin what we had.

And that in itself is a huge red flag.

If clear, honest communication ruins a relationship, then you should let it. Clearly, it wasn’t a relationship that was meant to be in the first place. When you’re with someone, you shouldn’t have to guess how they feel or where things are at between the two of you. Conflict is going to arise sometimes, of course, but you should be able to talk about it. If you can’t, then you should talk about why that is. It all comes back to talking about it, and making sure your relationship is built on a foundation of communication, not games.

I don’t ignore the red flags anymore.

I was involved with someone for five years, and throughout that time, there were a lot of red flags. Some of them I just didn’t see — but a lot of them, I chose to ignore. I justified them away in all sorts of ways, all while trying to ignore that nagging feeling deep inside me. I just kept explaining them away until things blew up, and in the aftermath, they were all so glaringly obvious.

I’m still so mad that I let myself ignore those red flags, but I’m comforted by the fact that I’ll hopefully never let it happen again. I know better now.

If your gut is telling you something about someone, follow that instinct and see where it takes you. If someone says something and it raises a warning flag but you convince yourself you’re just overreacting, backtrack a bit and listen to yourself for a minute. Maybe you’re being overly anxious, sure — or maybe you’re not.

Deep down, we know what the red flags look like. We just have to be willing to admit it.

I give things time to grow.

Sometimes, you meet someone and it’s nice. You get along, the conversation flows relatively well, and you seem aligned on a bunch of the important things. It all seems to be working — but you’re not overwhelmed by it. You’re not swept off your feet. You’re not immediately sure that this is the person for you, so you think maybe they’re not.

Instead, why not give things a chance to grow?

Like I said before, a lot of the time, that spark or those butterflies that people look for is just anxiety. When things are progressing with someone and it feels almost boring in a way, that honestly might be a good thing, especially if you’re someone who’s used to chaotic relationships. Healthy is going to feel a little underwhelming at first. After a while though, it’ll feel comfortable and content and wonderful. Not every healthy dynamic is going to be the right one, obviously, but sometimes it’s nice to give things a little time to develop even if you’re not quite sure at first.

I recently started seeing someone new, and at first, I couldn’t quite figure out how it was going. I was worried that I didn’t want to text him 24/7 or that I wasn’t ready to have him sleep over just yet or that I didn’t constantly think about him and worry about our dynamic. I thought maybe something was wrong until I realized things were just progressing in a slow, healthy way. I’m letting things grow and finally learning how to develop healthy relationships, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that.

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Previously Published on medium

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Photo credit: by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash