When you’re arguing with your partner, it’s usually because your needs aren’t being met. You feel disappointed in some way. They hurt your feelings, made you angry, let you down, etc.
Disagreements happen all the time; it’s natural to have them, especially when dating. The most important thing is how those disagreements are dealt with because that determines whether your relationship is healthy.
With that being said, here are a few tips that will help you handle your next argument in a healthy way.
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Stay calm and respectful during any heated conversations.
I have a short fuse, and in past relationships, I would always allow my emotions to cloud my judgment. Logic would go out the window. I’d cross lines and insult my partner out of anger and frustration.
This doesn’t help anyone, and if you’re dating someone who also acts on their emotions instead of logic, they’ll attack you right back, which will only lead to more anger and frustration from both sides.
Keep your focus on the issue at hand because putting each other down won’t help anybody.
It doesn’t matter what caused the argument in the first place; yelling, insulting, and foul language should never enter the room. You should never feel like you’re being attacked, and you yourself should never start attacking your partner.
Instead, stay calm. Nothing is solved when emotions run high. If you feel like you can’t stay calm, then go for a walk, or go into a separate room until the two of you had some time to calm down before revisiting the conversation.
Sometimes it takes time to understand what works best for diffusing a situation. I always need some time away from the issue to calm down. I go for a walk, sometimes listen to a podcast, it really depends.
My partner is the same, he likes to get his mind off the issue for a few minutes and clear his head. Determine what helps you cool off and utilize that instead of agitating one another even more.
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Talk about how you’re feeling without blaming your partner.
When you directly assault your partner’s character, you’re inviting them to be defensive.
Psychologist Gwendolyn Seidman recommends using “I statements” alongside “behavior descriptions” because they focus on how you feel without putting the blame on the other individual.
“If you can express your experience in a way that does not attack, criticize, or blame others, you are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility, which tends to escalate conflicts or have the other person shut down or tune you out, which tends to stifle communication.” — Francine Montemurro.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me. You don’t even care about me!” A more constructive statement would be: “I feel like my concerns aren’t really being heard or seen. I feel a little neglected.”
I statements place the focus on how you feel rather than blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on specific behaviors your partner is engaging in rather than a particular character flaw.
These tactics are direct but they don’t impugn your partner’s character.
Research has also shown that couples who blame one another during a conflict discussion were associated with lower relationship satisfaction over time and tended to make problems worse.
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Get to the root of the problem.
If it seems like your partner can’t let go of the most minuscule things, take a moment to evaluate if there is a larger issue at hand.
We all have needs, and everyone’s level of priority of those needs is different. When those needs aren’t satisfied in a relationship, they can often work their way into an argument.
For example, if your partner is frustrated with you for going out with your friends, maybe they want you to give them a little bit more quality time, or they feel neglected.
I find that whenever I start paying attention to little issues that don’t really warrant an argument, it’s always because there’s something deeper that’s irritating me.
All it takes is a conversation and for you to consider things from your partner’s point of view. How would you feel if roles were reversed?
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Remember, it’s the two of you against the problem.
This is something I’ve always struggled with, and anybody who feels attacked or does the attacking during a conflict will feel as if they’re all alone in the problem.
When you’re fighting, remember it’s not you vs. them. It’s the two of you vs. the problem. You’re not fighting against your significant other. You and your partner are fighting against the problem, the difficulty, the trouble, etc.
The quicker you embrace this mindset, the easier it’ll get to resolve any future problems that come your way because you stop thinking and feeling alone.
You stop going into defense mode, and instead, you put your energy and focus into figuring out a solution together as a team.
Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful, passionate relationship together, that’s what you’ll achieve. — Tony Robbins
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Don’t listen to respond. Listen to understand.
It’s frustrating when you feel like your partner isn’t actually listening to what you’re saying.
You pour your whole heart out and within the next few seconds, you already feel like everything you said went in one ear and out the other.
This happens when individuals aren’t actively trying to understand what the other person is saying; they’re just nodding along, but in their heads, they’re already mentally preparing their rebuttal.
I experienced this a lot with my ex-boyfriend; every time we would argue; he would interrupt me, not give me a chance to express myself, or act like he knew exactly what I was talking about.
Even if you do feel confident that you know what your partner is trying to tell you, you could still be wrong, and interrupting them or holding them back from saying what they need to will make them feel like you’re not listening or like you don’t even want to listen.
Instead, learn to use active listening techniques that will make your partner feel understood, heard, and seen.
When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say in your own words. This prevents misunderstandings before they start.
You can also perception-check by making sure that you’re interpreting your partner’s reactions correctly. Saying things like, “You seem frustrated because of x, y, and z. Am I right?”
These strategies both prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you’re paying attention to them and care about what they’re saying.
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Everybody struggles with conflict within their relationships. It’s not a bad thing, and it’s completely natural to clash every now and then.
The point, though, is to work on your communication skills together as a couple to work through the issue — not sweep them under the rug and hope they magically resolve themselves.
Use your conflicts as an opportunity to grow, learn and make the relationship stronger.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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