5 Toxic Traits That Are Often Normalized in Romantic Relationships

I only realized my first relationship was toxic when it was already over.

After three months of happiness, good sex, and fulfilling moments everything changed quickly.

We had endless fights over meaningless things, called each other names, and had problems communicating our needs.

While there were still some moments of joy and love, our fights became worse, and in the end, I didn’t even know why we started the relationship.

When we broke up after one year (yes, it took us nine months to realize it wouldn’t get any better), I grieved for only two days until I felt normal again.

Our relationship was over long before we had ended it.

What had happened?

After our honeymoon phase, we stopped putting effort into our bond. We thought it would go on like this forever.

Additionally, we ignored some red flags. We weren’t able to see our problems and find solutions for them. We normalized toxic traits and let them destroy a potentially happy relationship.

After ten years of dating and one 5-year relationship, I’ve learned some important lessons. One of them is: It’s crucial to work on your happiness if you want a long-lasting relationship.

Now I am in a happy partnership, and even though we also have issues to work on (every couple does), we prioritize our happiness and do our best to grow together.

Here are some toxic traits you can watch out for in your relationship and some tips to overcome them:

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Fighting, nagging, arguing.

Having arguments from time to time is normal.

It not only shows you both care; having arguments is a growth opportunity for your relationship.

You get to know each other better, discover triggers, and can find solutions for your problems together.

Yet, there are certain red flags you shouldn’t ignore when it comes to fights:

You fight over the exact same things over and over again.
You insult and call each other names.
Physical abuse.
Emotional abuse (including gaslighting, stonewalling, manipulation)
You are unhappy with your relationship most of the time.
You argue in front of others, maybe even your kids.
One partner nags all the time and drags the other person down.

Some of these red flags are obvious, and others are more difficult to see. An excellent way to find out if your relationship needs change is to trust your gut feeling.

Do you often feel small, desperate, or sad in your relationship? This might be a sign your fights are toxic for you.

Some tips for handling this situation:

Is your partner still committed? If yes, you two will likely find reasonable solutions for your problems with a couples therapist.
If your partner doesn’t show any commitment to improving your situation, it might be time to leave the relationship. In the long term, you will be happier without them.
Take some time alone. You will get a clearer mind if you go on a short trip without your partner (or friends). Having some distance can be a life-saver for your relationship because you both can find out what your fights are really about.
Write down all triggers that caused your fights so far. You might discover a pattern and can use it to resolve your issues.

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Jealousy.

Jealousy is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. It shows how much you care about another person and makes you human.

None of us want to lose the people we love.

Yet, pathological jealousy harms not only your relationship but also your mental health. Watch out for the following red flags:

You or your partner have the urge to control each other.
One of you suffers from anxiety when the other person leaves the house to meet friends or go out.
Most of your thoughts revolve around your partner cheating on you.
A particular person in your partner’s life frequently makes you jealous.
You lie or hide important facts because you know your partner will become jealous.

Some tips for dealing with jealousy:

If you think your own jealousy harms your relationship, a therapist might help you. Especially hypnotherapy can help you dissolve childhood trauma and trust issues.
If your partner is too jealous in your opinion, talk openly about it. Address your concerns in an empathetic and gentle way. Tell your partner how it makes you feel and ask them if they want to see a therapist together.
Practice meditation and mindfulness exercises. It will help you deal with irrational anxiety.

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Lack of communication.

Communication problems are probably the most frequent sources of fight.

Frequent misunderstandings or not communicating at all is a sign you have to improve the way you talk to each other.

Watch out for these red flags:

You avoid talking about uncomfortable situations. After a fight, you both just get back to normal without reflecting on your situation.
One of you regularly leaves or doesn’t respond to your questions when you fight (see stonewalling).
You often don’t talk to each other about important events. Also, you do not share your thoughts about your relationship.
When something hurts you, you swallow your anger instead of talking to your partner about it.

The good news is: there are multiple possibilities to improve your situation. Communication problems are easier to resolve than you might think.

Here’s how:

Take your time and ask each other questions to improve your communication. Repeat this exercise weekly until you both feel you have understood each other’s needs.
As soon as an important thought comes up that you want to share with your partner, write it down. In this way, you won’t forget to communicate essential information.
Make a regular check-in with your partner. For example, every Friday evening before going to bed, you take at least one hour to reflect on your relationship together. You write down what went well and what you both want to improve. Repeat this exercise until you two are doing better.
Again, commitment is essential. If your partner doesn’t want to improve your communication and refuses to talk regularly, it might signify they have deeper issues. It’s up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has communication issues.

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Unfair distribution of tasks.

Have you ever felt like you were the only person in the household who takes care of everyday tasks?

If yes, you are definitely not alone. Depending on our individual situation, it often happens that one partner (mostly the female part in hetero-normative relationships) invests more time in cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, and taking care of the children.

This behavior is often normalized even though it’s definitely worth reconsidering the way you both share so-called “care-work.”

“Around the world, women spend two to ten times more time on unpaid care work than men, which has a big effect on gender inequality in the economy.”

How to avoid an unfair distribution of everyday tasks:

Write down all the unpaid, daily tasks you complete for at least one week. Share your insights with your partner and reflect on possible redistribution of tasks that concern you both (like doing homework with the kids, cleaning the kitchen, cooking, etc.)
When you do your weekly check-ins (see “Lack of Communication”), also reflect regularly on how you feel concerning care work.

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Lack of intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of every long-term relationship. Often intimacy is put on a level with sex, but there’s more to it.

Intimacy means being vulnerable together and letting each other in. Vulnerability expert Brené Brown states:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”

If we do not share fears, thoughts, and doubts with our partners, we miss an excellent opportunity to grow together.

Mutual growth is fundamental for a happy and long-lasting relationship.

If you feel like you could be more vulnerable together, try this:

Always be open about your needs. What do you need to feel loved and appreciated? Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, but always let your partner know. It can be simple things like: “I like it when you rub my back every evening before you go to bed.”
Heal your fears together by opening up about traumas and impeding thoughts. Suggest going to therapy together if you (or your partner) need support.
Create intimacy in the bedroom. Sex can be even more fulfilling when combined with intimate habits that strengthen your bond.

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Bottom Line

Every relationship is different, and there’s no right or wrong in many cases.

Yet, there are some red flags you can watch out for. Not because you should focus on the negative, but because it’s an opportunity to save you and your partner from unnecessary pain.

Make sure to:

Go to therapy together if you feel like you are fighting all the time and there are no solutions.
Work on your triggers and traumas when jealousy is a huge part of your life. The same applies to your partner.
Do regular check-ins with your partner to discuss important issues and thoughts.
Distribute everyday tasks fairly.
Create intimate moments and be vulnerable together.

Take care!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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