When you’re looking for a partner and even when you have one, it’s important to brainstorm what your needs are. What characteristics do you need your significant other to have so you can feel happy and loved?
You may worry you’re too needy or that you’re asking for too much, but remember this: You’re allowed to have and ask for what you need. You’re not too much. You don’t need to settle.
As someone who’s met her soulmate, I can confirm those truths firsthand. I have an amazing girlfriend, and I’m thankful for our sapphic relationship.
To get you started on your list and to help you show compassion toward others, below are five qualities I look for in a partner (and have thankfully found in my girlfriend).
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1. They care about my mental illnesses and will educate themselves.
I’ve struggled a good bit with my mental health over the years. While I’m doing much better now, a psychologist previously diagnosed me with generalized anxiety, major depression, and an eating disorder. Additionally, I struggle with self-harm.
When someone isn’t scared away by this and is actually willing to lean in, it means a lot to me. I want a partner who is not only non-judgmental, but also wants to learn more about those disorders and how they can help me. This kind of connection is a type of emotional and intellectual intimacy that makes me feel especially close to people.
How my girlfriend does this
My girlfriend went to a training session on how to support loved ones with eating disorders, which meant the world to me. She knows what I need to hear and is always sure to say it, even without me asking or nudging her all the time.
If you’re interested in taking a Mental Health First Aid course, you can find one near you here.
2. They don’t make me feel weird when I’m silly or honest.
I’m very sensitive to any kind of judgment or criticism. First, I tend to perceive it when it’s not there, and second, it hurts me more than I’d like to admit. While I know this is a challenge I need to work on internally, I appreciate when my partner doesn’t make me feel weird. I can be silly sometimes and have opinions or dislikes that differ from the norm, so I need someone who won’t make me feel bad about that. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we’re spending time together.
How my girlfriend does this
Every time I’m silly or honest about a trait of mine that’s not super common, my girlfriend always goes along with it. I never worry about what I’m going to say because I can trust she’ll act like everything is good and normal. Sometimes, she even adds on or agrees with what I’m saying, which makes me feel especially loved and emotionally safe.
3. They can cover my weaknesses and anxieties, making my life easier.
While I have amazing friends I love hanging out with, I struggle with social anxiety sometimes. Besides not always being the most talkative in groups, I also hate making phone calls, going to appointments, and the like, especially by myself.
Having a partner who can help in these ways is so meaningful. I believe a significant other can complement you, and this is one way in which I want my partner to be able to.
How my girlfriend does this
If a phone call needs to be made, my girlfriend knows it’s “her job” and she doesn’t mind it at all. If I’m feeling anxious in a group of people, she’ll affirm me, check in on me, and rub my back. She knows what I need, and she’s happy to help how she can.
For ways to help someone with social anxiety, check out this Healthline article.
4. They empathize with and validate me; I feel heard by them.
For a long period in my life (and sometimes still now), I struggle with feeling internally and externally valid. Some of my loved ones used to gaslight me and my emotions, causing me to feel like my feelings were stupid or without reason. I also struggle to validate myself, mostly in the seriousness of my mental illnesses — which decreases my ability to feel calm and manage situations effectively. Because of these experiences, I crave validation deeply and am sensitive to invalidation of any kind.
After experiencing abusive relationships, I need a partner who will empathize with me and validate me. I want to feel heard and important in my feelings and needs. This helps me feel cared for, special, and mentally healthy. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship after unhealthy ones — it just takes a little extra work.
How my girlfriend does this
My girlfriend is great about saying things like, “I can totally see how that situation would make you feel that way,” or “That really sucks, baby, I’m sorry.” Further, she’ll add why what I’m experiencing is valid and rant along with me, which helps me believe what she’s saying and feel like she understands me.
5. They’re humorous and can make me laugh.
I’ve always valued humor, whether it’s in myself, a friend, or a partner. I believe few things can make us feel as positive as laughter can, and I appreciate someone who has a good sense of humor. While this quality isn’t as deep or unique as some others on the list, I believe it’s important because it means so much to me. Further, I know laughter has health benefits such as relieving stress responses, improving immune systems, and more.
How my girlfriend does this
From silly actions to spoken humor that’s like my own, my girlfriend consistently makes me laugh. She’s wholeheartedly herself and appreciates a good joke, and she even laughs at my jokes — which causes me to laugh harder.
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Takeaways
If I could pick one word to describe what I look for most in a partner, it would be this: care. I want someone who cares about my feelings, my happiness, my needs, and what makes me who I am. This is such an important quality to remember and practice in all of our relationships, not just our romantic ones. Care can not only help our partners feel loved, but it also has health benefits, including stress relief and increased resiliency.
I encourage you to ask your loved ones how you can best care for them today. I also encourage you to practice some of these qualities, as several have also been noted as important by licensed psychotherapist Dr. Barton Goldsmith.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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