Romance is what we ultimately want. Unromantic is what we have to become.
Until I met my current partner, I had several relationships in which I clung to several myths and ideologies about happy relationships. All of them failed.
It took me years to learn that these ideologies wouldn’t take me anywhere. I had to adopt more pragmatic and sometimes unromantic principles to get the fulfilling relationship I always wanted.
More than once my friends were shocked. But they paid out in the end and still are.
So, here are my five principles that make a happy and lasting relationship.
1. Don’t Hear Everything
Sometimes, our words and vocabulary become the subject of strong emotions. We’ve all been there: using swearwords because we are angry, trying to say something hurtful because we didn’t get our will.
Our outbursts in such emotional states often go against our real intentions. Snappy comments can happen for no special reason too, just because we are stressed in a moment or don’t want to be bothered.
For me, sarcastic comments or teasing have always been a problem. I’m rather on the soft side, which meant I had to learn not to take everything that is said for its face value.
Thinking about everything my partner, friends, or family said, evaluating the true meaning of every comment, often drove me nuts. Especially, when there was no real intention behind them.
Choosing not to listen to everything that is said was the best decision I ever made. It’s a luxury. It’s freedom. It lets me sleep better.
It also reduces the friction between my partner and me. I don’t have to discuss everything I don’t 100% agree with, and he doesn’t have to mind every word he says.
Of course, that doesn’t mean people can say anything. We should still draw our limits and vocalize them. But — sometimes — it can be much easier (and easier) to simply ignore some comments.
2. Similarity Doesn’t Matter
When my boyfriend and I were together for about six months, we discovered that we had very few similar interests. In fact, our hobbies couldn’t be farther apart.
He loves talking about finance, researching stock developments, developing real estate, and doing sports. I, on the other hand, love reading, writing, dancing, eating out. You see, the overlap is quite limited.
At first, this realization stressed me out. Come the weekend, we would try to find activities we could do together but often ended in front of the TV because we couldn‘t find anything that interested both of us.
On top of that, the Instagram pictures of all those happy couples hiking or doing Pamela Reif’s booty workouts added to my growing dissatisfaction.
Was my relationship doomed because we were too different?
It took a while for me to realize that it wasn’t. It‘s okay to be different and have divergent hobbies as long as we find new things we can do together.
We can try new activities, take dancing or yoga classes, or iterate between the things each partner likes. We can make a great life with someone who is not our reflection.
So, my boyfriend and I started experimenting with different sports, series, and we could do as a couple. Some of them we ditched after the first try, some are still counted towards our hobbies today.
And the other half of the week? We do our own thing! And we like it that way.
3. Define Tabu Topics
„I can talk about anything with my partner!“ I stopped counting how often this sentence was used to describe a dream partner. I disagree.
My boyfriend and I actually defined entire topics which we don‘t want to talk about at home. That might sound crazy for some people. But actually, it makes perfect sense.
The sentence above is often misunderstood. There is a difference between being able to talk about everything and actually doing it. Many people take this wish as an entitlement for a discussion.
If their special ones have different opinions on a topic, some people try to adjust their partner’s points of view to their own. And if this doesn’t work and ends in a dispute, they use the I-thought-we-could-talk-about-everything-card as their joker.
I can talk to my partner about any topic — if I do it the right way and if really necessary.
My boyfriend and I have very different opinions on several topics, such as politics, vegan nutrition, and feminism. If we start to talk about which party to vote for, we quarrel. If I want to explain to him why eating meat can be bad for his health, he shuts down.
Not being able to talk about certain things is often rather a result of how we communicate with each other. And I really believe that we don’t have to talk about everything with our special ones. Especially, if the topics aren’t important to us.
It’s like getting broccoli for breakfast even if we hate this veggie. It‘s no fun.
Defining taboo topics in a relationship is okay. As long as they are defined together.
4. Constantly Choose
Love — outside of Hollywood movies — isn’t something that simply happens. It might be in the beginning, when we suddenly feel attracted to one person for no clear reason.
But in an ongoing relationship, love is something we have to nurture. To build. To choose. Otherwise, it might go away.
We don’t fall in love with our special one every single day. We choose to love him or her every single day.
What I mean by that is that we have to actively participate in a relationship. We have to look for opportunities to make our partners happy. We have to bring positive energy and fun into our relationships.
It’s a disbelieve that we wake up every day, full of love, happiness, good mood. There are times when we want to punch our partner in the face or pull his/her blanket away during the night to get revenge for something that happened during the day.
We might be unable to feel attracted to our partner for weeks or months. Yet attraction won’t knock on our door one night. It has to be created.
People often abandon a relationship, because the butterflies were gone one day, without even trying to get them back into their bellies. They believe long-lasting love is something that simply happens to them.
Strong relationships are built on grit, devotion, and actions. We will have many relationships within our relationship. But all of them have to be worked for.
5. Schedule Time for Sex and Romance
Yes, that sounds horrible. But it’s true. And not only for 60year old parents!
I’m 28. I don’t have any kids, I’m not married, but I still struggle to find the time for the romantic, spontaneous, hot sex we know from movies. And I’m not alone.
I know many self-employed people, content creators, and entrepreneurs who struggle with the same issue. The cure is to schedule romantic hours.
Intentionally setting time aside for sex is no failure on the part of a couple. It’s normal and natural. It occurs in every relationship at some point.
Sometimes it’s only for a short period. Sometimes the planning has to go on for longer. And, fortunately, we will notice that starting to have sex (even if it is planned) will lead to more spontaneous sex in the days or weeks to come.
It’s like establishing a workout habit: If stick to the training for a period of time, the motivation will come.
Points to Remember
Being in a happy and strong relationship doesn’t present itself as easy. It comes down to many things, and some are not as romantic as we wish.
Yet they are normal and manageable.
Understanding the five myths above helped me to be more satisfied and happy in my own relationship. I hope, they will help you too.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Pexels
