Life today is radically different and very disorienting during this Coronavirus pandemic. Throughout my 34-year career as a mental health professional, my primary role has been that of a problem-solving consultant. Following is a look at how my clients and I are working together to help them deal with the coronavirus pandemic and its effects on their lives.
1) Trauma
Make no mistake, we are all traumatized even if there is no identifiable traumatic event such as a loved one our ourself getting sick from the virus. A trauma specialist colleague refers to this as “slow-motion trauma.” Life is altered in profound ways with the constant threatening backdrop of the stock market and economy crashing and mounting infection and death numbers.
Grief therapy tells us to expect denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness before we are able to accept what we are losing. Denial can take the form of minimizing the virus and defying safety guidelines (masks, distancing, hand washing). Bargaining can mean debating safety vs. economic fears (a false choice as both are extremely important). Hoarding supplies can also be viewed as bargaining (an attempt to ward off anxiety).
As the pandemic goes on, our denial and bargaining fail as attempts to avoid fear, anger, and sadness. Make space for these emotional responses. They don’t mean you are weak or failing. They are inevitable consequences of the reality that this whole situation sucks. Talk through them with a trusted friend, family member, or licensed therapist.
A potential silver lining is that sharing feelings and mutual support can strengthen relationships. Another benefit is increased clarity in the face of the threat that these relationships are what really matter. This kind of emotional honesty is a good habit to build. Take advantage of the opportunity.
2) Routine
Those sheltering at home are facing the sudden loss of the external structure that usually governs our lives. Lots of Twitter memes about sweatpants and house slippers, weight gain (“COVID-15”), binge-watching (and drinking), and aimless Internet browsing speak to this. We can feel less disoriented with some self-imposed structure. This can mean more exercise, meditation, yoga, or other relaxation or spiritual activities. Many are staying busy with long-neglected home projects. I have enjoyed Sunday afternoon FaceTime chats with my sister living in Denmark–the most consistent contact we have had in years. More potential silver linings—are you sensing a theme here?
3) Meaning
On that note, our brains are very good at finding what we tell them to look for. Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl noted that finding meaning in even those awful circumstances was crucial to survival. A Facebook meme notes that if the “greatest generation” could get through the Great Depression and a World War, we can deal with sitting on the couch watching Netflix (so, suck it up!). There is a little more to it than that but you get the drift. If we look for opportunities and meaning we will find them.
4) Compassion
Go easy on yourself and those around you. This is particularly true of parents doing double duty working from home and home-schooling children. Making that dual-task at all reasonable will mean compromises on both ends. It will be a work in progress. Treat it that way.
Our children are 21 and 18, one about to graduate college and the other hopefully about to start. Prioritizing a healthy sense of self in them (clarity about what they think and feel balanced with empathy for others) over pretty much anything else was one of our best parenting decisions. We had faith, armed with that solid sense of self, they would be in the best possible position to deal successfully with most of what crossed their paths.
Your children will soak up more than you think, both academically and personally. They probably won’t fall behind their peers. If they do, they have time to catch up. So, insist that they give their schoolwork a good effort. But build in a little fun time too. Remember, they are feeling fearful, angry, and sad about this too. Another opportunity is presenting itself with more time with them. Take advantage and enjoy it. Believe me, your time with them will go so very quickly.
5) Divide and Conquer
Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr gave us a great gift with the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Divide your world into two categories: a big one filled with things we cannot control and a smaller one of the things we can do something about. A conscious effort to focus our attention on things we can control is a giant step toward sane, effective living. It is vitally important with big, scary things out of our control like this virus. Focus on doing the next right thing, whatever that is.
My clients regularly inspire me with their courage, creativity, and good humor. Do your best to go forward, determined that this crisis will help you find those qualities in yourself. Game on.
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