Nothing can get in the way of and eventually ruin a good relationship like low self-esteem. If you don’t believe you’re good enough for someone, how could you possibly form and sustain a healthy relationship?
Low self-esteem knows no boundaries and no age limit. It’s not always obvious and affects everyone differently. You might have the looks of Angelina Jolie and still suffer from low self-esteem — and have to constantly deal with the relationship difficulties it creates.
From choosing the wrong partners to cheating, here are some examples of how low self-esteem can manifest in your relationships:
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#1. Choosing the Wrong Partners
Low self-esteem means you are likely to repeatedly form relationships with the wrong kind of people because you don’t know what’s good for you, and what your real needs are.
For example, you might choose a partner with whom you got nothing in common, just because they pamper you with gifts and compliments and temporarily make you feel better about yourself.
Additionally, you might form a relationship with someone you know is a bad fit for you out of a rush to put a stop to your loneliness or stay with someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs out of fear you won’t be able to find someone else.
Why that’s a bad thing: It’s obvious, isn’t it? You’ll spend so much time and emotional energy in relationships that aren’t meant to last and with people who won’t treat you properly or fulfill your needs.
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#2. Always Keeping an Eye on the Exit
Low self-esteem might create a desire in you to avoid serious commitment and always keep an eye on the exit.
For example, you might develop a deep fear of intimacy that will keep you from creating emotional ties with your partner. You might find it difficult to form a serious relationship and stick to one-night stands or short-flings.
Or, even though you can form serious relationships, you might avoid anything that could take them to the next level like moving in together, getting engaged, etc.
Why that’s a bad thing: Like it or not, in order to have an authentic, fulfilling relationship, and experience the perks that come with it (and there are many!) you need to let your guard down, open up, and allow yourself to invest emotionally in a partner.
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#3. Developing a Fear of Abandonment
Another potential consequence of having low self-esteem is developing a fear of abandonment, which in turn, creates a lot of relationship complications and difficulties.
Fear of abandonment stems from the idea that you’re not good enough for your partner; not pretty enough, not clever enough, not thoughtful enough. You might even think that you’re unworthy of love.
Therefore, you spend every waking moment afraid that your partner might leave you for someone better.
The resulting behaviors from fear of abandonment might include staying in unhealthy relationships, saying “yes” to things you don’t want in order to please your partner, having trust issues, or being unable to settle down or open up.
Why that’s a bad thing: Your fear of abandonment will overwhelm you with negative thoughts that will keep you from enjoying your relationship, opening up, and trusting your partner, or will make you stay in unhealthy and unhappy relationships, that will take a toll on your emotional health.
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#4. Constantly Criticizing Your Partner
In psychology, there’s a thing called “projection”, which refers to the process of placing your own negative traits and emotions onto others.
When your confidence is low and you’re struggling with your insecurities, you might “project” onto your partner aspects of your personality that you don’t want to see in yourself — and constantly criticize them.
For example, you might constantly criticize the way they cook because you’re the one who doesn’t know how to cook, or the way they dress because you feel insecure about your own outfits.
Why that’s a bad thing: Except for the fact that constant criticism will hurt your partner, sooner or later, they will get tired of being criticized and trying to please you, and will do the thing you’re most afraid of: call it quits.
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#5. Constantly Questioning and Testing Your Relationships
One of the trickiest parts of having to deal with your self-esteem and self-worth is struggling to accept that your partner truly appreciates and loves you.
You might convince yourself that they’re lying about their intentions, that something is missing, or that they have a secret agenda.
As a result, you might constantly question your partner’s intentions and test your relationship, to see how your partner reacts and whether their reaction will confirm that they truly love you.
Why that’s a bad thing: When you’re always looking for problems in your relationship, you end up self-sabotaging it, and eventually you’ll convince yourself AND your partner to end things (even though in reality the relationship had potential).
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#6. Cheating
According to this article in PsychologyToday, low self-esteem is one of the main reasons people cheat.
When you realize that your partner hasn’t improved your self-esteem (because no one can improve that but you) you might seek validation through sexual and emotional activities with other people.
Cheating might become an emotional outlet for you, a way to forget about your insecurities for a while and give your sense of self-worth a boost.
Why that’s a bad thing: Well…unless you’ve agreed with your partner that you’re allowed to have sex with other people, cheating is wrong. It’s a form of betrayal that can significantly hurt your partner’s feelings and self-esteem and will likely lead to a break-up.
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So…Now What?
So, let’s say you lack confidence, you have low self-esteem, a lot of insecurities, and a sense of low self-worth. Now what? What follows? What can you do about it?
The good news is that you can boost your self-esteem, as long as you’re patient and willing to put in the necessary effort. Here are some things you can do:
Improve both your physical and mental health: Exercise is a great way to build confidence and release endorphins (the feel-good hormones) and can in turn improve your mental health. Some other ways to improve it are taking up a new hobby, meditation, yoga, connecting with friends, and going to therapy.
Pay more attention to your social circle: If you want to improve your self-esteem it would be a good idea to identify your triggers — and someone from your social circle might be one of your triggers. Maybe a relative or a friend that continuously undermines and judges you. If such a person exists in your life, make sure to spend as little time with them as possible.
Identify your positive traits: Instead of spending your time thinking about your weaknesses and your less charming traits, start identifying your positive ones. Start identifying your skills — and developing them. Start using positive affirmations.
Practice self-compassion: Don’t be too hard on yourself. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has both strengths and weaknesses. Being understanding, kind, and compassionate to yourself it’s the smart thing to do. And remember: your inner critic is a mean jerk who has no idea what they’re talking about.
Improving your self-esteem might take time and effort, but it’s something that you should do to feel better as well as improve your love life.
Once you improve your self-esteem you’ll see that your relationships will automatically improve as well. As long as you have patience, are kind to yourself, and work on changing your mindset.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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