Mark Manson explains how much better life can be when we embrace sexuality and understand ourselves better.
—
In today’s world, two things are abundantly clear:
- Sex education matters, and
- Cultures that believe sex is shameful screw everything up.
The statistics are glaring. More pragmatic approaches to teenage sexuality (i.e., “Hey, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, but here’s how to be responsible about it”) outperform strict abstinence/religious forms of sex education (i.e., “Don’t have sex until you’re married, or else”) by almost every statistical measurement including teenage pregnancies, abortions and HIV infections.
By the way, the United States is the worst offender in all of those categories. And we all know how comfortable we are with our own sexualities. (Hint: We’re not at all.)
The recent government-funded “abstinence only” programs have been found to actually increase teen pregnancy and STI rates in states where they’re implemented, proving, yet again, that teenagers will always do exactly what you tell them not to and screw themselves up in the process.
Nope, purity rings don’t do a damn thing. Biology wants what biology wants. Yet, only 11 US states require sex education to be based on medical science and most other states require no sex education at all.
If I learned anything from being part of the dating advice industry for eight years, it’s that most young people are woefully unprepared, both socially and emotionally, to handle the stress and confusion that comes with navigating a healthy sex life.
Here are seven things we should have learned as teenagers, but didn’t:
1. There’s more to sex than biology
Sex education, as it stands today, is more or less diagram after diagram of the biological ins and outs (and back ins, oh baby!) of human reproductive behavior. It’s a bodily fluid road map, a glorified anatomy class, with an “Oh yeah, and use protection!” tacked on for good measure.
Don’t get me wrong, some of this information is useful. We do need to know how infections occur, how pregnancy works, and, of course, where to stick it in. But never in the heat of passion have I ever thought about my vas deferens or the quality of her uterine lining. It just never seems that relevant in the moment.
Humans are uniquely sexual creatures. We screw each other far more often and in far more elaborate ways than pretty much every other species on the planet.
That’s because for humans sexual activity is more than a mere biological urge, it has psychological significance and social meaning. We screw for pleasure. We screw for recreation. We screw for passion. We screw for revenge. We screw nice people and mean people, friends and enemies, sexy people and ugly people. We screw because we’re happy and because we’re sad. We screw because we’re bored. We screw because we feel alone. We screw because we’re in love.
And yes, we screw to make babies, too. Although in the developing world, that’s rarely the primary motivation these days. So why is it all sex education focuses on?
Sex ed should account for the recreational, social and emotional reasons for sex and their consequences. It should discuss the interpersonal meaning of intercourse, setting clear expectations and boundaries, communicating desires, dealing with feelings of shame and awkwardness, and of course, being responsible about protection and privacy.
Sex can be amazing. Some of the best moments of one’s life can happen engorged in someone else. So let’s talk about it.
This sounds so obvious when you say it. Yet no one seems to say it.
2. How to Respect personal boundaries
At the beginning of the year, I wrote a lengthy description about the sexual shame that goes on in our culture and how it causes men and women to hide their intentions and desires from one another, which then leads to all sorts of communication breakdowns (or worse) later on in the interaction.
A huge component of this is consent. Consent in sexual situations is usually taught as, “If a woman says no, it means no.” That’s nice, but it completely glosses over the complexity of the issue. It continues to frame sex in a “Women get to decide, you have to convince them,” perspective. This reinforces the perception that men must somehow prove themselves to women and women must somehow be “won over” by a man to have sex with him.
This isn’t consent, it’s mutually reinforced manipulation.
(For deeper explanation, check out: How Disney Ruined Sex for Everybody)
Sexual intentions and desires should be stated clearly from the get-go by both parties. And I don’t just mean, “I want to have sex with you,” but every step of the way. “I’m attracted to you, I want to go out with you,” “I want to go home with you,” and so on. Kids should be taught that there’s nothing shameful about saying “yes” or “no” and that they should not be ashamed nor shame someone else for saying either. This is regardless of gender, orientation or reason.
All personal desires are valid just as all rejections of personal desires by another are valid. Both should be respected. It’s as simple as that.
3. Sex is not a reflection of your value as a person.
But to get to this place, sex must be removed from its pedestal as an badge of either honor or shame in our culture. As long as boys are shamed for not succeeding in getting laid and girls are shamed for succeeding in getting laid too often, then boys will continue to have an incentive to manipulate girls into situations where consent is ambiguous and girls will continue to have incentive to manipulative boys into situations where they feel unworthy or powerless.
Nobody wins in this arrangement. Everybody gets frustrated. People lie. Some people get raped. And it’s no coincidence that sexual violence and divorce are highest in countries where this culture of sexual shame persists. When your value as a human being is being judged based on the sex you’re having or not having or the marriage that you have or don’t have, then it’s easy to feel justified in saying and doing some messed up stuff to people of the opposite gender to get your way.
4. Different sexual orientations are natural
No-brainer here, but worth repeating for anybody still living in 1957. Homosexuality is natural and there’s nothing immoral about it (or experimenting with it for that matter).
We now know that homosexuality is likely related to pre-natal hormones and may possibly even have some sort of genetic basis. It’s natural. It’s seen all over the animal kingdom. It’s been cataloged throughout all of human history cross-culturally.
The concept of sexual orientation itself is a relatively recent invention of Western culture. And whoever came up with the idea deserves to be punched. Sexual orientation is a spectrum and people can oscillate across that spectrum over the course of their lives.
And as they often do, recent psychological studies have shown what’s been blindingly obvious to the rest of us forever: that homophobic men repress their own arousal to homoerotic stimuli. I mean, didn’t Freud cover this already? What we hate in others is what we’re ashamed of in ourselves.
Bi-curiosity and gender experimentation are common urges in both genders. It doesn’t make anyone weird or socially unacceptable. Get over it.
5. Where the damn clitoris is and what it’s for
Seriously. Do you know how old I was when I finally figured this out? Come on! Women like orgasms too.
6. How men and women experience sex differently
OK, this is the part of the article where I piss off a bunch of feminists. But there are three things which are true about male/female sexualities:
- Men and women have innate differences in how they experience their sexualities.
- This should be obvious to anyone who’s ever looked at naked people.
- These differences, despite existing, don’t really mean anything.
The truth is that trying to cram an ideology that men and women are exactly the same in all ways down people’s throats is just as fascist and shitty as forcing the ideology of conventional gender roles and stereotypes on everyone as well.
People are different. Men and women are also different. These things are not mutually exclusive.
We know men and women are different. We know this from a wide range of neurological and psychological studies. We know from studying how gays and lesbians interact with one another. We know from primatology and the obvious dimorphism of our species. And we know from the subjective accounts of transsexuals who take hormones to change their endocrinology.
Sorry to belabor this point, but I always get flamed by a dozen angry people every time I mention this. So this is for them. Men and women differ in some ways and both genders should be treated with equal respect for those differences. (Why do people make this so complicated?)
That in and of itself should be taught in sex ed. But what should also be taught is how men and women’s sex drives differ, how women are more sexually fluid in their desires, how men are more physical and visually oriented in arousal, and how, on average (across populations, across cultures, and in female-to-male transsexuals), they usually want to have sex more often and with a wider variety of partners.
There’s nothing inherently right or wrong with these differences. These differences are not a moral justification for unethical behavior. If I’m born with big arms, that doesn’t give me the right to go punch people. If a man is born with a high sex drive, that doesn’t give him a right to force himself on women. But it also doesn’t make him a pervert, horndog, womanizer, monster, or rapist in waiting. Seriously, why is this so complicated?
7. Great Relationships Mean Great Sex
The thing many sex ed classes say about the dynamics of sexual relationships is, “Wait until you’re married,” — as if putting a ring on your finger will magically resolve all insecurities you may have around your sexuality.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t. It’s almost like a broken record how many people you hear lament that they wish they had dated around more before they got married (see: my parents).
But the point is that if sex ed classes can dry out teenage ears for months on end going on about fallopian tubes, zygotes and X and Y chromosomes, why can’t they push the scientific knowledge of romantic relationships on everyone as well? One could argue that’s even more important.
What about attachment theory, emotional needs and the differences between love, lust and commitment? What about the Neo-Freudian explanation for romance? What about dealing with the anxiety of meeting someone attractive?
Yeah, that would have been helpful. Oh well…
—
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 Escape the Act Like a Man Box |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
 Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race |
 The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
I really love reading the articles on this page♥️
This is the first time I have heard it presented like this:
“As long as boys are shamed for not succeeding in getting laid and girls are shamed for succeeding in getting laid too often, then boys will continue to have an incentive to manipulate girls into situations where consent is ambiguous and girls will continue to have incentive to manipulative boys into situations where they feel unworthy or powerless.” especially ” girls will continue to have incentive to manipulative boys into situations where they feel unworthy or powerless.f”
The fuck? Three times now, the page has reset while I was typing and deleted my comment, so I’m typing this on Notepad. Not cool, please fix it. For the third time, then: This is made of win, and 5 made me laugh hard enough to scare the dog, because damn. How do people even pretend a class that never even mentions the clit is “sexual education?” Dumbass prudes. Point 6 is a huge storm of ambivalence for me, though. For starters, there was the instinctive “that’s not something that would piss off feminists,” about half a heartbeat before I… Read more »
Hi. You need to stop making assumptions that abstinence or strict religion doesn’t keep children from having sex. I did NOT have sex as a teen and I am glad I didn’t. I had sex when I was married well into adulthood. And yes, I was taught to WAIT until I got married and that is JUST what I wanted to do. I was not thinking about sex as a teen. I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I know organizations where teenage girls have banded together to stand for God and keep themselves pure.… Read more »
That was NOT our Sex Education in high school. We were taught about conception, and how to prevent pregnancy, that it is all right to not want sex, that it is also okay to want to get physical, and we were shown different positions, and anything of which we were curious, we were free to ask. And did. There was no moralizing, none of that silly “Wait until you are married.” In fact, there was no presumption that any of us would: Choose to have sexual intercourse (male or female), and there was no presumption that any of us would… Read more »
Brilliantly written. As a 17 year old I’ve always wished teachers would say more to us then blatantly tell the class what goes where and boom that’s sex. Then what not to do i.e. not use protection or do it before marriage.
Wish I could anonymously send this to teachers.
Minor correction: States do not require sex education is different than States require no sex education. The 2nd one is much scarier.
It would be fantastic to see something on this blog about the research that has shown how circumcision impacts sex.
http://www.circumcision.org/studies.htm
On the whole an excellent article. I’m delighted you want to punch out whoever said sex only comes in two flavors and you are just one of them ALWAYS or something is wrong with you. BUT: “Sexual intentions and desires should be stated clearly from the get-go by both parties. And I don’t just mean, “I want to have sex with you,” but every step of the way. “I’m attracted to you, I want to go out with you,” “I want to go home with you,” and so on. Kids should be taught that there’s nothing shameful about saying “yes”… Read more »
I think this post is fantastic, and well written. The whole #6 disclaimer and follow up commentary is so dead on. Why do people seem to have such a hard time with the differences of libido and expression between men and women? I’ve always been a proponent of gender equality, believing that so much of our gender differences are culturally created and magnified; I think these unnatural polarities result in a lot of unnecessary pain. I’ve also been aware throughout my adult life that my sex drive is lower than the average man; because of that, I haven’t stood much… Read more »
I wish my mid 80’s, suburban middle-class American sex ed included how to put a condom on an uncircumsised penis. Did not see one until age 19, most of my friends were also in the dark. One semester overseas was a challenge at first.
The final boss was an excruciatingly long affair but after
all was said and done, it was satisfying and worth every cuss word that came out of me.
Ms Santia’s actions came to light after these materials began appearing on the internet towards the end of March 2011.
Also, monsters eat stamina to release abilities and each once
in a bit require endurance to charge before they may be able inflict
more damage.
Ironic thing is, this advice is still good even for people who DO choose to wait until marriage. Respect for one’s partner, understanding of your respective sexualities and control over fertility and disease transmission are just as important for the married couple (in some cases more) as for the one-night swinger.
“Having the conversation no one else is having” … except on every page of the internet. Everyone in society believes the lie that sex is just like hugs and should have no restrictions on it beyond consent. It’s understandable that the 60’s rebelled against the puritanism they came from – but isn’t it about time we grew up? You have it right – sex is beautiful, fun, and can be done for many, many reasons. But the puritans were right too – sex is powerful and sacred and shouldn’t be engaged with just about anyone. To forget one or the… Read more »
With respect, you’d get flamed less if you learned the difference between sex and gender. You can’t take hormones to change your gender, gender is a social construct which is independent from your physical sex. Gender, like sexual orientation, is also spectrum and fluid, many cultures have always had more than two genders. Physical sex is also not binary. Your male privilege, and that of the medical society at large, shows through in your reasoning for why homosexuality is ‘natural’. Prenatal hormones and genes have been shown to influence male sexuality only, not female – they may eventually find such… Read more »
Great article. But please, just saying, the clitoris is not the place where the big O happens, it’s the G spot. (for every woman I know in person at least)
not me – a blanket statement like “is not the place where the big O happens” is not helpful in this discussion. from what I’ve read, it seems that many women don’t even have a g-spot.
Most women I know and myself have the clitoris as the (only) place to reach the O.
And most women only develop their g-spot enough to reach an orgasm after their 30s.
“We now know that homosexuality is likely related to pre-natal hormones and may possibly even have some sort of genetic basis.”
Perhaps, but sexuality can also be fluid. Take prison inmates for example. Male inmates will frequently form same-sex romantic relationships while in prison, and then resume hetero relationships after leaving prison.
“Sexual orientation is a spectrum and people can oscillate across that spectrum over the course of their lives.”
How do you think asexuality should be taught in all this? I’ve identified as an asexual for 6 solid years and was questioning before that for another 5 or so. I think you touch on some good points, especially 3 and 4, that are good messages for people who don’t have a sex drive or don’t feel sexual attraction. I think one challenge I faced in recognizing my “sexual orientation” was that I’d hear things about how much everyone thinks about sex, about how great sex makes you feel, about how hard it will be to resist after you go… Read more »
Mark Manson: Seriously, why is this so complicated? — It’s so complicated because the data is actually way more ambiguous about the differences between men and women than you make it out to be. We’re having a very hard time separating how much of the difference is INNATE (nature) versus LEARNED (nurture – or the matrix of cultural expectations). As our culture’s attitude towards women has shifted over the past 150 years or so, so has the experience of women’s sexuality, which now looks a LOT more like men’s sexuality than it ever did before. And as we make further… Read more »
I like to think that your overall intent in this article is commendable, though as always there will plenty points of contention no matter what one says on the topic. Hence the comments. For all our human knowledge, it remains perplexing, sad at times, and amusing at times, how we struggle with sexuality and love. From my perspective, you a have a bit of bias in favor of the scientific method as way of knowing more about sexuality. Sure, I suppose there are some benefits, but frankly when it comes to all the wonderful intangibles, science simply will not find… Read more »
I’m a little surprised at some of the reactions here. I didn’t read this as a statement that ALL men have higher sex drives but rather IF a man has a higher sex drive. My perception of societal judgement is that women with high sex drives are sluts and men with higher sex drives are the things mentioned in the article. In regards to boundaries, my experience as a therapist says that keeping thing tacit is often the foundation of problems. When people articulate their boundaries there is a lot less room for confusion and error. I see too many… Read more »
PS 5. You CAN be too clitoris-focused.
Hi Hank
You write:
✺”PS 5. You CAN be too clitoris-focused.”✺
I agree and add you can be too focused on oral sex as well.
One would think. However, my girlfriend is an exception. I have been around the block, know a thing or two…and one I’ve learned is that too much clitoral stimulation can be painful and uncomfortable for a woman. Enter, stage right, my current girlfriend (and god, willing my future wife). She can’t get enough oral sex. She also loves direct and constant clitoral stimulation. I’ve stopped at times to ask “Are you sure this isn’t hurting?”. The point, I know what she likes because I asked. I wouldn’t just go in there and hammer her clit with my tongue like a… Read more »
Not only that, but it’s only in the past 10-20 years that anatomy textbooks reflect the recently established truth that the clitoris is much, much more than the little glans sticking out. 90% of it is inside the body. Even anatomy experts didn’t entirely get it right until recently….
2. The boundary issue. That’s a little too Ayn Rand for me. I like to keep things tacit, and most women I’ve met do too. For one thing, it allows for one party or another to back away, if they get the urge, saving face. Or for the sex to stop short of intercourse, cunnilingus, or fellatio. I know that everyone’s become more legalistic with the way people want to expand the definition of rape to include (unfairly, I think) ex post facto determinations that “rape” has occurred, but all this contracting doesn’t suit my sense of romance.
Hi Mark, Great article, thanks for writing. My only comment would be on the part about them having different sex drives. I think this is a myth. There is in fact relatively little known about sex drives – what we assume causes it (testosterone) doesn’t http://www.livescience.com/21114-testosterone-sex-drive-masturbation.html I would argue that the reason that women appear to want sex less, is not because they are biologically inclined not to, as there is very little evidence for this, but that women’s sexuality and sexual freedom has been systematically oppressed (and continues to be). You mention it yourself in the way that sex… Read more »
Thanks ever so much for your comment. I couldn’t believe that I was reading such nonsense on the GMP. Thanks also for sharing this study. I have always found the explanation that you have given far more plausible. It also explains the sharp dive in female ‘sex drive’ that one observes in cultures where a lot of shame is attached to female sexuality. If this was a hormone related issue then hormones of women would differ widely across different societies and that seriously be the most racist theory ever.
Yeah, as a hetero practiced woman I can certainly sign on that sex is very differently for different people. Almost all the guys, if actually not all. Yes all they guys, I\ve had sex with have a good time during intercourse. And good time meaning get ejaculation before we stop. If sex was equal I wouldn`t have been writing this. Sex is far from equal, for most of women having sex with men. For most men it`s quick, you just touch them and they`re ready. I don`t know about the majority of women, but I know I`m certainly not ready… Read more »
Hi Lover
An old women friend shared with me what her lover said.
He said:” I never leave a woman in bed,unsatisfied”.
Is the sex over when the woman is unsatisfied? No of course not.
Hi! I know we had that discussion before, but why can’t we say that the sex is not over until BOTH parties are satisfied? Why can it only ever be one of them, either “Don’t look like she enjoyed, neither did I, to be honest, but who cares, I got it inside, now my score’s up and I’m a HERO” or “I am such a perfect lover, I give my girl scores of orgasms, and maybe have a little bit of fun myself once in a while too, but not too much because that’d mean I’m a patriarchal egotist, and… Read more »
Hi Theorema
You are right of course .
Honest truth . I have never left a man in bed unsatisfied, in my whole life.
(If he ejaculated without an orgasm I don’t know. It can be hard to tell).
For me sex was never over until he was happy. Happy all through the whole happening not just the last seconds. 🙂
Hi Iben,
You know, when I said the same thing, you replied that my GF probably had been faking it all along, and that most guys were too self-obsessed (and/or cluless) to tell the difference…
😀 😀
Hi FlyingKal
Please show me that comment where I said your girlfriend faked all her orgasms.
I can not remember I said that.
The fact that she wanted lots of oral from you,indicates that she liked it.
Please come up with the thread where I wrote she faked her orgasms while you gave her oral sex 20:1 times more than she gave you orgasms.
Maybe you remember correctly, but I think not .
Sorry to burst your bubble here, but to think that for men sex is automatically great if they manage to ejaculate is plain WRONG. Sometimes you have to work hard to come at all, doing it just so it will be over, although that orgasm will be so flat that you wonder “was that it? I almost didn’t feel a thing” and anyway the tension of trying not to lose your erection destroys any fun there might have been. It’s pretty close to completely faking it (and I am told men DO sometimes fake it too, don’t forget that). In… Read more »
Agree here. Just because I ejaculate and orgasm doesn’t mean the sex is good. I can ejaculate with my own hands, what makes it different when it with women? If I tell you lover, my most pleasurable and memorable sex is not when I’m having biggest orgasm, is in this instance with a woman, who keep telling me that my bodies look so hot and arousing to her. The feeling of being desired by a woman who I desire too, and intimacy, for me is million times better than orgasm in sex. The worst sex that can happen to me… Read more »