Somehow we got it stuck in our heads that if we’re single, we should be dating.
I was a serial monogamist up until a few years ago. I jumped from relationship to relationship without much thought. It never occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t ready to date when my relationships ended; that I should take a break from things.
Nowadays, it’s even harder. Dating apps seem to be an entirely accepted part of modern society. A new person to flirt with is a simple swipe away. But it’s ok to be single, even more so if you’re not ready to date.
How can you tell if a dating break is what you need? That more time to be single and work on your life would be beneficial? Well, look for these signs that indicate you may not be ready to date:
You constantly cancel your dates.
You may think that you’re just finding reasons not to meet that particular person; perhaps you’ve convinced yourself you’re busy or that your slight headache means you shouldn’t be going out.
But maybe it’s time to stop and consider if the reason is that you’re not interested in dating right now. Canceling plans over and over is a pretty tell-tale sign that something deeper is going on.
Ask yourself if why you cancel your dates is simply because you’d rather not be going on them. If so, that’s OK. But do yourself (and your poor matches) and favor and cut this cycle off. Dating will be there in the future; just spend your time how you want to for a bit.
You’re uninterested in flirting or the dating process in general.
When I was single and loving it, I didn’t see guys as potential relationships anymore. I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find men attractive, but I no longer vied for their attention. Flirting was kind of just meh beyond a fun thing to do at the moment.
If flirting seems off-putting or going on dates just doesn’t appeal to you, that’s a good indicator you’re not ready or interested in dating. Again, this isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. But it’s a sign you don’t want to ignore.
You’re still hurting from your past relationship.
You’re not a superhero. You don’t have the magic ability to rid yourself of the shitty emotions of a break-up. You’re allowed to feel that pain for however long it takes for you to process your emotions and move on.
Coming out of a serious relationship involves a significant life change and plenty of unpleasant emotions. It’s completely ok to take some time away from dating to focus on yourself and adjust to your new life without your ex.
Plus, it’s not fair to the new people you date if you’re still reeling over your ex. So wait until you’re ready to give your attention to the people you’re dating. You’ll be happier in the long run if you do.
You’re focused on finding a partner that looks good on paper.
If your motives for finding a partner are superficial — i.e., finding someone who will impress your friend or makes tons of money — consider taking time away from dating. Think about why surface-level aspects of a person are so important to you.
Because, when it comes down to it, a thriving relationship isn’t based on your partner’s looks or what their title at work is. Someone’s height or hair color won’t be that determine how well they treat you.
Focusing on these qualities might steer you towards an unhappy relationship. So consider if you’re better stopping this kind of dating pattern in its tracks.
You’re pessimistic about the outcome.
Believing that every person you date will eventually hurt you is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re going to enter the relationship without trusting the person and judging their every action.
Instead, take some time away from relationships and evaluate the negative beliefs you hold around dating. Maybe just distancing yourself from the process will let you breathe a little and be able to come back to it with a fresh outlook.
You determine your value through other people’s actions.
I used to swipe for validation. What I mean by that is I would go onto Bumble when I felt like crap, and I’d either feel happier about myself or worse, depending on how many matches I received.
Essentially, I let other people determine my value.
But someone’s value isn’t based on how many matches they have on a dating app. Nor is it based on whether or not someone asks you on a second date. Your value is inherent. If you can’t see that, take some time alone to work on your self-confidence, which is easier to do when you’re single.
You’re stuck in the Rom-Com fantasy.
You think that an instant connection between you and your date is an indication of finding a soulmate.
Well, I hate to break it to you (actually, I love to break it to you), but this notion of love is bullshit. The kind of love that is perpetuated in Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz movies is unhealthy and co-dependent.
Lasting love is the kind that builds up. If you’re unwilling to see things that way, you might just let something good pass you by.
You’re enjoying being single.
When it comes down to it, if you love being single, then there’s no pressure to start dating.
Maybe you’re chasing a career you love, or you’re enjoying getting to know yourself better. Whatever your reason may be, just know that it’s completely ok to love being single.
. . .
Not everyone that’s single is meant to be on the dating scene; there’s power in taking a dating hiatus. Don’t feel pressured or alien-like if you choose to be single.
If anything, you’re amongst the braver ones.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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