Men and women are equally capable of holding beliefs and attitudes that can sabotage themselves in the search for a meaningful and healthy relationship.
With dating apps now being the primary method of entry, what we post online and mention in chats will reveal ourselves just as much as our behavior in person.
The point is not to “hide” our real selves — because the truth will always come out, sooner or later. But self-awareness, reflection, and a growth mindset can help us increase our chances of finding our match.
Try to make sure you’re not guilty of the following toxic turn-offs!
1. Complaining (or despairing)
Whatever your orientation, the dating statistics we have from apps may confirm your suspicions: There are many more men (over 75%) than women on dating apps — with women having a 10% chance of matching (on Tinder) at any time, and the average heterosexual man’s chances at 0.6%. FOMO can turn into bitterness and resentment if unchecked, and when this seeps into your profile, it’s detectable, with disastrous effects.
Maybe omit diatribes about time-wasters, catfishing, or how the app is “unfairly” gamed toward paid accounts (duh). No one really wants to swipe right on a profile or prolong a tedious chat out of pity.
2. Being too “mysterious”
Sure, anyone worth knowing deserves time to get to know through dating. But the reality is that everyone’s time is precious, and winding up with someone ultimately incompatible with us will leave us worse off than someone we truly vibe with. Know what things are important to you in a partner and don’t be afraid to state them early. Likewise, be upfront about the best traits that you offer in return.
This also means showing your best (unfiltered) photos.
3. Feeling owed or entitled
Having high standards are one thing, but feeling owed (attention, consent, or commitment) is another. No one owes you a relationship or sex. You may be in urgent need of validation, but that does not mean your date should compromise on their own needs and boundaries, even if you pay for the date.
4. Painting in broad strokes
Check your gender and racial stereotypes. Statements or beliefs that generalize all members of a group rarely sound fair, informed, or accurate. Even if the person you’re meeting is an exception to your statement, they aren’t obliged to correct you and may not be interested in doing so.
Healthy people do not stick around for situations where they have to constantly prove themselves instead of being accepted and seen for who they are.
5. Self-centredness
Dipping self-esteem and social anxiety may have us tied up in knots about the impression we’re making. Some self-centredness is normal but one can go too far.
Spare some curiosity and empathy for how your date is feeling too. Be curious and open. Behind the other person’s profile is a human being with their own interests, motivations, and feelings.
It takes two people to work together in a relationship for it to work, and you wanna keep your eyes open for both promising signs and red flags, hopefully without being a walking red flag yourself.
6. Judging by appearances
Physical attraction can a long way in keeping a relationship alive. But, some expectations about looks can be unrealistic and toxic.
Are we making moral judgments about people based on things they can control and not control about their appearance? Do we negatively judge people who look different from the mainstream dictates of beauty? Do we judge them for aging or by what they wear? What thoughts do we have when someone looks tired or like they’re going through a difficult time?
If anything you spot in a person’s looks has you jumping to unfounded conclusions about them, pause and examine your assumptions. Try curiosity and compassion, and you may just be pleasantly surprised.
7. Turning your search into a competition
Understanding our needs for a relationship will help us approach our search for companionship in a more level-headed manner. It isn’t about “scoring” or winning the “best catch” out there, but finding the person just right for us, and hoping we’ll be what they’re looking for, too.
You’re looking for a love match and not just an accessory to an imagined coupledom contest.
8. Believing the right match will fix your life
This one’s tough to admit, but hoping for a godsent person to right all the wrongs in your life is magical thinking. Making someone else responsible for your happiness and quality of life is a big ask, especially if this is low-key avoidance of figuring out your own stuff.
Don’t be afraid of asking yourself if you’re looking for a partner when you should actually be looking for a therapist — because that’s not fair to a potential partner who isn’t subscribed to that training or idea of a good time.
Better to find the key to your own happiness than to think it’s magically or exclusively held by someone out there, and you may find yourself becoming healthier in your approach to relationships — even while you’re still trying to find “the one”.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
 |
 |
 |
 |
—–
Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
