I didn’t intend to spend a chunk of my Christmas Day crying over one of my relationships, but I did. Blubbering in a not cute way — it’s okay to be an “ugly crier,” by the way — I felt hopeless, worried, and offended.
Later on, I realized while I don’t necessarily know of specific people or situations, I do know I’m not alone in this hurt. How could I not be? Breakups spike in December. Our world is highly charged politically right now, dividing our families. Grief can hit harder around the holiday season. While this time holds a lot of joy, it also holds a lot of pain.
If one or more of your relationships is hitting a low point right now, I want to share some reminders with you I’ve been telling myself lately. They may not all apply 100 percent to your relationship since all relationships are different and some are dangerous, but I hope they help. For some encouragement and empathy from me, read ahead.
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1. You’re always deserving of love.
When we get into arguments with others, they may make comments that hurt our feelings and make us feel inadequate. We may feel like we aren’t worthy of someone’s love. In fact, a study showed that 68 percent of people don’t believe they deserve love or like themselves. If you struggle (and even if you don’t), I want you to remember that your experiences and relationships don’t define you; you’re always worthy of love and people who treat you well. Take care of yourself and try to focus on the qualities you like about yourself, as well as your inherent worth. If you want to feel deserving of love, love yourself and work on your self-worth first.
2. Just like the good won’t last forever, neither will the bad.
In our relationships’ valleys, we learn the good aspects don’t last forever. However, the bad won’t last forever either — and if it does, you may want to let the relationship go. Relationships, just like life, have high and low moments. Even though the hard moments can make us feel hopeless, we can still hold on to hope. We can still trust that our lives will improve, especially when we take effective, healthy steps toward that.
3. Try to focus on relationships and aspects that are going well when you feel down.
From experience, I’ve learned that by focusing on aspects of my life and relationships that are going well, I can feel less bad about those that aren’t. When one relationship is going poorly, we can easily get caught up in it, feeling bad about the situation and ourselves. But, when we realize all the other good in our lives, we discover we’re doing better than we thought, and that everything will turn out okay.
To help with this, professionals on WebMD suggest looking at our thought patterns. Did we dismiss the overall positivity of a relationship because of one bad moment? Are we worried a problem will happen even though we don’t have any evidence it will? These are relatable and understandable thoughts, but by working on them, we often can help ourselves feel better.
4. You’re allowed to assert your boundaries and attend to your needs.
If you’re nonconfrontational like me, you may struggle to set and stick with boundaries protecting your well-being. And if you’re compassionate like me, you may worry more about others’ needs than your own. Something I’m working on that I encourage you to do as well is asserting your boundaries and taking care of yourself. Remember, you have every right to do so and both you and your relationship will be better off once you do. Be wary of relationship behaviors involving enmeshment and self-betrayal. For tools and communication skills, check out these examples from the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectic behavior therapy.
5. Your worth doesn’t depend on or exist only in a relationship.
In our society, we can easily feel like we’re only “good enough” if we’re dating someone and if our relationships are going well. However, this doesn’t reflect on us like we sometimes think it does. You don’t need a romantic partner or only successful relationships to be worthy; the two are separate entities and aspects of your life. Further, not every person will like you, just like you probably don’t like every person. This is a fact of life, not an indicator of whether we’re “good” or “bad” people. Linda Arnold, a psychological counselor and certified wellness instructor, points out that realizing this takes the pressure off of us trying to ensure everyone is on our side when we can’t actually make that happen.
6. One person’s opinion of you doesn’t define you.
When we value someone’s opinion and understandably feel upset by others’ hurtful words, we may slip into believing their belief defines us. If one person says we’re X, we’re automatically X. In these times, I encourage you to remind yourself that you are a whole person with many amazing qualities, and one sentence or person can’t define you. By realizing this, you won’t limit who you are or who you can become. Try to focus on how you see yourself and how you treat others instead.
7. Communicate with the other person healthily, but also take care of yourself and your time.
When we experience difficulties in relationships, communication is a crucial tool that helps get us through. However, knowing when to take breaks and take care of well-being is crucial too. Don’t be afraid or feel bad if you need some distractions. Don’t answer the phone call. Take a breather. Watch your favorite TV show. Know when to say “no” and what activities can help you relax. This can improve not only your mental health, but also the relationship: By taking a break, you both can calm down and reassess the situation, making communication more effective.
8. You have or will find people who treat you well, like you deserve.
With almost 8 billion people existing in the world, we can never truly be alone. I want you to remember all the people who love and accept you as you are when someone mistreats you. And if you’re struggling to think of those people right now, I want to give you hope: You will find those people. You will find people who treat you better and love you well, and you deserve that.
9. Stay firm and know you’re strong enough to get through this.
Hold on tight to your self-respect and self-worth. Know you can get through this low point just as you’ve gotten through other low points in your life. I like to remember what Christopher Robin from “Winnie the Pooh” said:
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Takeaways
Believe in your worth, even when it’s hard. Stand up for yourself and have hope, even when it’s hard. Trust that you have outstanding qualities and are strong. Trust that you’re loved. Focus on the good. Focus on the relationship at hand, and also focus on yourself. Love yourself and treat yourself well, and know you’re not alone.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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