9 Subtle Ways You Are Secretly Sabotaging Your Relationship

“Relationships are like gardens. They require constant attention, nurturing, and care. Neglect them, and they will wither away; tend to them, and they will flourish into beautiful, bountiful gardens.” — Unknown

I recently wrote an article about some revealing signs that your partner will cheat on you.

In the comments section,Olivia Clawson, MS, CRC (thank you for inspiring this article) wrote this thoughtful comment;

“I don’t understand why betrayals of all kinds aren’t as harmful as cheating. If someone is lying to you about your relationship, telling you how they are trying, etc., and you find out they have actually been sabotaging your relationship behind your back, that’s no small thing. Cheating isn’t the only way to ruin a relationship.” —
Olivia Clawson, MS, CRC

This got me thinking. It is indeed true that there are other betrayals as harmful, sometimes even more harmful than cheating.

I left my ex because he cheated on me, but that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He was a covert narcissist that constantly gaslit me and lied to me. He broke my esteem and turned me into someone I am not just trying to please him. He sucked at communication, and he wanted to be respected yet he clearly did not respect me.

Anyways, when I found my current partner, I was grateful that he had so many green flags and was exactly what my ex wasn’t.

The details about my ex are a story for another day. Today, I want to focus on the genius idea that
Olivia Clawson, MS, CRC sparked.

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As a relationships writer, I completely agree with Olivia’s comment that cheating is not the only way to ruin a good relationship. There are several other ways in which individuals can sabotage their relationship without even realizing it.

Today, I will outline nine ways that individuals can ruin a good relationship and provide actionable takeaways for each point to help anyone avoid sabotaging their own relationships.

So without further ado, here are 9 ways you can ruin a good relationship, and how you can avoid them so that you do not sabotage your own.

Lack of Communication

“A lack of communication can cause misunderstandings that may lead to conflicts and ultimately end relationships.” — Paulo Coelho

Communication is key in any relationship, and lack of it can lead to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and conflicts. When partners do not communicate effectively, they tend to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and hurt each other.

One of the most common ways individuals sabotage their relationship is by failing to communicate effectively with their partner.

Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and without it, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise.

It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, listen to their needs, and try to understand their perspective. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are on the same page.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by Lack of Communication:

To avoid sabotaging your own relationship by a lack of communication, try to be clear and honest about your feelings and needs.

Instead of assuming that your partner knows what you are thinking, express your thoughts and feelings directly.

Make time to have open and honest conversations with your partner on a regular basis, and actively listen to what they have to say.

It can also be helpful to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements when discussing sensitive topics to avoid placing blame or causing defensiveness.

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Lack of Trust

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” — Stephen Covey

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and without it, the relationship is bound to fail.

Lack of trust can manifest in different ways, including being suspicious of your partner’s actions, not believing what they say, or constantly questioning their loyalty.

This can happen for a variety of reasons, including past traumas or experiences, but it is essential to address it in a relationship.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by lack of trust:

a) Communicate openly: Talk to your partner about your trust issues and try to understand the root cause. If it is something that they have done, express your feelings and set boundaries for the future. If it is something that stems from your past, let your partner know how they can support you in building trust.

b) Practice forgiveness: Holding onto grudges and past mistakes can erode trust in a relationship. Learn to forgive your partner and let go of the past. It does not mean that you forget what happened, but it means that you choose to move forward and work on building a stronger relationship.

c) Show appreciation: Show your partner that you appreciate them and the effort they put into the relationship. By acknowledging their actions and being grateful, you can help build a sense of trust between you.

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Holding onto Grudges

“Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life.” — Joseph W. Walker III

Holding onto grudges is another way individuals can sabotage their relationship.

When we hold onto negative emotions, it can lead to resentment and mistrust, causing further damage to the relationship. To avoid sabotaging your own relationship, practice forgiveness and try to let go of grudges.

It can be helpful to communicate your feelings and work together with your partner to find a resolution and move forward.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by Holding onto Grudges:

To avoid holding onto grudges, try to practice forgiveness and let go of negative emotions.

Focus on the present and future instead of dwelling on past hurts.

Communicate with your partner openly and honestly about how you feel, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

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Lack of Respect

”Relationships, marriages are ruined where one person continues to learn, develop and grow and the other person stands still.” — Catherine Pulsifer

A lack of respect can also sabotage a good relationship.

When individuals do not respect their partner’s opinions, boundaries, or feelings, it can lead to conflict and mistrust.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by Lack of Respect:

To avoid a lack of respect in your relationship, make an effort to listen to your partner’s opinions, validate their feelings, and be mindful of their boundaries.

Treat them with kindness and respect, and communicate openly and honestly about any concerns or issues that arise.

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Avoiding Conflict

“When someone isn’t ready to let you in, you can’t force them to. If you try, you’ll only end up getting hurt.” — Unknown

While conflict can be uncomfortable, it is a natural part of any relationship and can help strengthen the bond between partners.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by Avoiding Conflict:

To avoid avoiding conflict in your relationship, try to embrace it and view it as an opportunity for growth and learning.

Communicate your feelings openly and honestly, listen to your partner’s perspective, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

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Neglecting Your Partner

“True intimacy is a state in which nothing exists between two people; no space, no inhibitions and no lies.” — Unknown

When we become too busy or distracted to make time for our partner, it can lead to feelings of neglect and disconnection.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by Neglecting Your Partner:

To avoid neglecting your partner, make an effort to prioritize them and set aside time for them on a regular basis.

Show them that they are important to you and that you value your relationship.

Plan date nights or activities that you can do together, and communicate openly about your feelings and

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Putting Your Needs Above Your Partner’s

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” — Marianne Williamson

It is important to prioritize your own needs in a relationship, but it is equally important to consider your partner’s needs.

When one partner constantly puts their needs above their partner’s, it can lead to resentment and a feeling of neglect.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by putting your needs above your partner’s

a) Practice empathy: Try to understand your partner’s perspective and their needs. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see things from their point of view.

b) Communicate openly: Talk to your partner about your needs and listen to theirs. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Remember that a relationship is a partnership, and both partners need to feel valued and heard.

c) Show appreciation: Acknowledge your partner’s efforts and show gratitude for the things they do. This can help create a sense of teamwork and make your partner feel valued.

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Lack of Boundaries

“Love respects people’s boundaries; fear and insecurity violate them.” — Danielle LaPorte

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, and without them, partners can feel overwhelmed, anxious, and unappreciated.

When partners do not respect each other’s boundaries, it can lead to a feeling of violation and a loss of trust.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by lack of boundaries:

a) Set boundaries: Take time to think about what you are comfortable with and communicate it to your partner. Be clear about what is acceptable and what is not, and make sure your partner understands.

b) Respect your partner’s boundaries: When your partner communicates their boundaries, make sure you respect them. Avoid pushing them to do things they are uncomfortable with, and always ask for their consent.

c) Revisit boundaries: As a relationship evolves, so can boundaries. Take time to revisit your boundaries and make sure they still work for both of you.

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Lack of Growth

“In any relationship, growth is key; growth together, individually, and as a unit.” — Lauren London

A healthy relationship should be one where both partners are growing, learning, and evolving.

When one partner does not prioritize personal growth, it can lead to stagnation and resentment.

Here is what you can do not to sabotage your relationship by lack of growth:

a) Encourage growth: Support your partner in their personal growth journey. Encourage them to pursue their passions and interests, and be there for them as they try new things.

b) Invest in yourself: Take time to invest in your own personal growth. Pursue your own interests, learn new things, and work on becoming the best version of yourself.

c) Grow together: Find ways to grow together as a couple. Take on new challenges, try new experiences, and learn from each other. This can help create a sense of excitement and adventure in your relationship.

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Final Thoughts

As the great Maya Angelou once said, “Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.”

I would like to express my gratitude to
Olivia Clawson, MS, CRC
for inspiring this article. Her comment reminded me that there are many different ways to sabotage a relationship, and I hope that this article provides actionable advice for anyone looking to build a strong and healthy connection with their partner.

Relationships are complex and require work and dedication from both partners.

By focusing on building trust, improving communication, setting boundaries, and encouraging personal growth, couples can create a foundation for a fulfilling and lasting relationship.

While cheating is often seen as the ultimate betrayal in a relationship, there are many other ways to sabotage a good thing. Lack of trust, poor communication, failure to prioritize your partner, and lack of boundaries are just a few of the things that can lead to relationship breakdowns.

However, by taking action to address these issues, couples can build stronger, healthier relationships.

Remember, a relationship is a partnership, and by working together, couples can overcome any obstacle and create a love that lasts a lifetime.

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