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The term “toxic masculinity” needs to be retired if we want to have a more productive conversation about the evolution of men.
In its original conception, “toxic masculinity” has been used to point at behaviors and male norms that unnecessarily restrict our expression and behavior, often to our detriment. For example, the cultural standard of men not being emotionally close to other men can lead to male isolation and loneliness.
Now, the term is often used and heard as anti-male, as if masculinity—by nature— is toxic. Such a characterization not only harms men and boys, but it is a nonstarter in getting men to think about how to grow into closer to their idealized selves. While the intention behind “toxic masculinity” may be to help men and society at large, it suffers from poor branding that ends up dividing us and puts many men in a defensive posture.
Let’s change the conversation. Instead, let’s speak plainly about the values and virtues we aspire to. When we divorce whatever concepts the word “masculinity” points at in nature from our cultural value hierarchies, there’s no longer the danger of shaming men and masculinity. Instead, we can explore which values serve us, and which don’t.
Simultaneously, we can acknowledge our often implicit “shadow values” that don’t serve us, such as emotional stoicism. If we can create our personal value ladders and place our highest values at the top and shadow values at the bottom, we can help better orient ourselves in the world while not demonizing masculinity.
In fact, the opposite would be true: we could begin again to serve a higher set of principles that make it easier to move towards our actualized selves as men.
For both genders, historically, these cultural value hierarchies were relatively stable and predictable, but the last 60 years has seen us rapidly modify our notions of what men and women should aspire to be. The result is a confusing mixture of messages that young and adult men and women alike struggle to sort through. For many young men, the effect is frankly disastrous: they become lost, disenfranchised, disenchanted, and nihilistic. Without a value structure to aspire to and align with, what compass do we have to navigate life?
If we can speak to the type of values that ennoble us as individuals and relegate those that don’t serve us, we can be liberated from the modes of being that hurt others and ourselves.
For instance, under the heading of “toxic masculinity” is usually the notion of harmful emotional suppression. Traditionally, male emotional restraint and hiding vulnerability has been seen as a virtue. Perhaps that strategy served a vital function in the past, though now we see its darker side: emotional repression has a host of negative psychological and social consequences. So it’s right for us to question the value of that traditionally upheld “virtue” because we know from personal experience the isolation, depression, numbness, and loss of vitality that comes from stuffing our feelings down. Instead, we can elevate “emotional expression with discernment” to the higher rungs of our value hierarchy. I included “discernment” because it’s helpful to reveal feelings to those who deserve that trust and can respond in a useful way to us.
Frame the Values Properly
Historically, we men have upheld values at the top of our hierarchies using both positive and negative motivational framing. Take courage, for instance. We esteem courage because courageous people overcome their fears for the greater individual and collective good. That’s the positive framing.
On the other hand, we use phrases like “don’t be a pussy,” which is the negative framing that uses shame and fear to motivate courageous action. To be fair, these types of harsh phrases can be said with love and humor, and in those cases, it can indeed have a positive effect.
They can also be said with violent and harmful intent, which is common in male on male bullying. We can become aware of this type of dominating, abusive instinct and choose not to use it. Instead of indulging our darker impulses, we can instead engender courage in others through positive challenge and care rather than demeaning each other through shame and abuse.
How could this look between men? If you feel challenging of a friend, then just share exactly what you feel. “I feel challenging of you and want you to lean into your fears” or “I feel challenging of you, do you want to hear the challenge?” There’s something about being able to say yes or not to the challenge that can help us accept and utilize it. You can also share the underlying context, which is usually a sense of care or wanting them to grow as men.
Masculine and Feminine Values Overlap
There’s also a problem of traditionally “feminine” values being thrown to the bottom of male value hierarchy merely because they are deemed incompatible with manly virtues. This is not a zero-sum game.
A man can be both affectionate and courageous. He can be both vulnerable and strong. He can be both receptive and assertive. Some people say this is balancing the masculine with the feminine, but I think it’s sufficient to say there’s enough virtue to go around, and all virtues can look good on both genders.
In the spirit of individualized value hierarchies, I’m including mine here. I acknowledge these will continue to shift and mold, but the act of creating the list helps me see how my behavior in life aligns or doesn’t with my highest aspirations:
- Integrity: living by my values and what I’ve said to others, keeping commitments.
- Strongly directed action.
- Emotional fluency and openness.
- Owning my experience, actions, and word.
- Courage: feeling fear while acting to benefit myself or others.
- Fearless love (as opposed to loving someone but controlling them).
- Protecting and advocating for disenfranchised and vulnerable people.
- Accountability.
- Willingness to stand up for values and self in the face of obstacles and criticism.
- Setting boundaries as a form of honoring self and others: what I’m willing to do, not willing to do.
- Mindfulness/Presence: willingness to be with arising experience in a nonjudgmental way, including thoughts, emotions, and sensations.
- Assertiveness of needs and desires, trusting that they matter and are important.
- Balanced relationship to power: neither avoiding power nor abusing it. For me, it’s about the application of power in service of the world.
- Respect for others: empathy, honoring boundaries, and seeing “humanness” in all.
- Groundedness/equanimity: unshakeability in the face of uncertainty, drama, and others’ opinions of me.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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Derek- I appreciate you writing this article as it continues this all important conversation. I think you and I would agree on most things regarding healthy masculinity from your writing. However, I respectfully disagree with you on a few points: I see the term toxic masculinity not as harmful to boys and men, rather I see it as yet another vehicle to look inward about our collective consciousness from a male view point. Many men get triggered by this term. They feel like they are under attack when all evidence shows that toxic masculinity is the root cause to most… Read more »