—
I am hanging out, and binge-watching Southland on Hulu when I receive a notification on my phone: “Natasha [name changed to protect the innocent] tagged you in a comment.”
My initial response is, “Oh cool,” because I like and respect Natasha quite a bit; She does amazing work in the world, and we share many of the same communities, friends, and outlooks on life. I click on the notification, excited to see what I was tagged in, only to realize it is a call for “the cavalry.”
Her profile photo, with many respectfully gracious compliments, has one from a man named Steve [name changed to protect the guilty]. Steve’s comment of, “You are quite lick-able,” is a prime example of what not to do. I take a deep breath because I know this could go several ways: He could get defensive, he could go on the attack, he could simply not respond or… well… any number of other things.
I have changed my tactics over the years.
In the past, it was really easy, and ego-stroking, to go ballistic, call him names and publicly shame him. As I have been doing more and more educating men about women, I have found that becoming adversaries really does not work.
We men carry a whole lot of shame and guilt as it is. We have learned to be inappropriate to get attention, we have been taught to debate and escalate, and we have not had any education in how to actually communicate. I have become more and more sensitive to this; I approach with much more compassion and now tend to lead with that first.
I respond to Steve’s comment with: “Yeah…women really do not like this type of approach, ESPECIALLY when you don’t know them, and especially the mature women you say you are wanting to meet.” (His Facebook profile said that he was looking to meet a mature woman for a drama-free relationship).
I posted my response and waited. What happened next was really incredible: Over the course of the next hour, several other men chimed in defending Natasha and calling Steve out. I realized I had backup for once, and that I was not going to have face Steve down on my own.
Why is this significant?
So many other times, I would be the lone male voice speaking up. I would often be met with hostility, be told that I was an embarrassment to men, and usually, more than one man would take their shot at me.
There was one instance, back around the “grab ‘em by the pussy/locker room talk” conversations, where a father of teenage girls actually defended the whole concept of locker room talk. When I suggested that there could be another way, he replied that “boys will be boys” and it would never change. And when I asked how he would react if one of his daughters experienced this, he accused me of making our interaction personal and told me I was being inappropriate!
For a long time, women have been asking where the good men are. They have been hoping that we would show up in greater numbers, and so have I.
Before, I could only say that I knew there were some good men out there because I knew a few personally. But this time, in this instance with Natasha and Steve, I had the honor of partnering with strangers; Good men who were strangers. And, it felt great!
—
◊♦◊
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Are you a first-time contributor to The Good Men Project? Submit here:
◊♦◊
Have you contributed before and have a Submittable account? Use our Quick Submit link here:
◊♦◊
Do you have previously published work that you would like to syndicate on The Good Men Project? Click here:
◊♦◊
Got Writer’s Block?
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We are a participatory media company. Join us.
Participate with the rest of the world, with the things you write and the things you say, and help co-create the world you want to live in.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
—
God bless the calvary