Our perceptions of others reflect our internal states. In lieu of the risk of actual intimacy, we spend our days arguing with and attempting to seduce versions of ourselves who only live in our heads. This ravages our real relationships, often in insidious ways that aren’t obvious until the worst damage is already done.
Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by the eccentric duo of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, provides a way out of this solipsistic misery. It challenges you and your partner to get creative, collaborative, and a bit counterintuitive to escape the maze of mirrors.
It’s not just about fixing what’s broken; it’s about owning what’s yours, understanding what’s theirs, and summoning the courage and intimacy to grow together, even when you think you’ve tried everything.
Key ideas to un-mesmerize yourself
1.Imago
Your “imago,” in this sense, is the unconscious image of your dream partner, the one you’ve searched for in the eyes of wildly different real-life companions. Have you ever wondered why you’re drawn to particular quirks and charms — or, in some cases, people who seem German-engineered to make you miserable? According to Imago’s central theory, you’re attracted to partners who reflect (or at least remind you of) the good, the bad, and the unconscionable of your childhood caregivers. These are the people who show you exactly where you’re stuck.
2. Healing Childhood Wounds
Everyone’s childhood screws them up a bit differently. Imago therapy is a way of pulling on the rubber gloves to take a serious look at the suffering we’ve brought into adulthood — especially our intimate adult relationships. Unacknowledged traumas are like relationship landmines waiting to explode. Diffusing them is the key to a relationship that doesn’t feel like a perennial combat zone.
3. Conscious relationships
It’s challenging to create a mutually enriching, fully and enthusiastically awake and aware romantic relationship — and it’s nearly impossible to do it by accident. Imago provides a simple (if not easy) framework for conjuring intimacy at the most fraught moments as an alternative to MacGyvering your way through interpersonal strife and difficulty. Try it before it’s too late, preferably on the third date at Starbucks.
Imago in theory and practice
1. Mirroring
Mirroring is the core practice of Imago Relationship Therapy. In it, one partner expresses a point of pain or resentment. (“I feel unheard when you look at BeReal during our conversations.”) The other reflects, without any reinterpretation, pushback, or subtle eye-rolling. (“I hear that you feel unheard when I look at BeReal during our conversations.”) It’s like a dance, where both partners are in sync, not stepping on each other’s feet.
2. Validation
Imagine being vulnerable: “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute.” Instead of shrugging it off, your partner hands you the glimmering gem of validation. “I understand my cancellations hurt you, and I’m sorry.” It’s not about agreeing; it’s about acknowledging the other person’s feelings and doing your best to sympathize, possibly empathize, and at least understand. After all, we fail to see in others what we don’t recognize in ourselves.
3. Reframing
Is your partner’s fashionable lateness so last season? Instead of making a blame claim, Imago therapists whip out the wand of positivity. They encourage reframing — seeing the positive intentions behind actions, even confusing ones. Your perpetually tardy partner may not disrespect your time intentionally; they want to bring some mystery back to your relationship outside the world of strict scheduling and workday woes. It’s like a relationship magic trick. It might sound silly, but the results can be fascinating.
Experiments and exercises to try
1. Dig up childhood memories
Revisit your childhood, the faraway Candy Land of bike rides, scraped knees, and emotional turmoil. Identify those moments that left scars (or open wounds that look very infected), and share them with your partner. It’s like showing them the director’s cut of your life, complete with commentary, unedited scenes, and a blooper reel.
2. Envision your ideal relationship
Reflect deeply, and picture your dream relationship, preferably the one you already carry with you unknowingly. What does it involve? Open communication? Trust? Twelve-packs of whipped cream? Share this creation with your partner. It’s like a relationship vision board, a roadmap to your deepest desires, or at least a rip-roaring rom-com full of wry banter.
3. Daily appreciations
Express one thing you appreciate about your partner daily — especially when you don’t want to. It’s like tending a plant, as small gestures, over time, help it grow strong and beautiful.
4. Relationship vision collaboration
If your partner is crafty, and they’re just your type, grab some scissors and glue; it’s vision board time. Create a visual or written statement of your future relationship. It’s not just wishful thinking; it’s a constellation of guiding stars to look for when things get dark.
5. Imago dialogue
Do you feel like you’re speaking Greek and your partner is replying in Pig Latin? Imago dialogue is the Rosetta Stone of relationships that can take you from willful misinterpretation to good-faith translation. One talks; the other listens and mirrors. It’s a conversational jam session. With practice, you can transform your relationship from a mumbling mess to a soothing, galvanizing, and heartfelt duet.
Sample Imago Dialogue
Step 1: Mirroring
Mark (speaker): “You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you. I shook you up, spun you around, and turned you into someone new. Don’t you want me?”
Anna (listener): “So, Mark, I hear you saying you inspired me and supported my dreams, and you could use some appreciation and acknowledgment. And you want to feel wanted.”
Mark: “Yes, exactly.”
Step 2: Validation
Mark: “I value your independent spirit. Although I can’t believe it when you say you don’t need me, I know you might have found a much better place, with or without me.”
Anna: “Would have found a much better place.”
Mark: “Right. We’re Mirroring.”
Step 3: Empathy and emotional support
Mark: “The five years we have had have been such good at times. I still love you. And I’m here to listen and support you however I can.”
Anna: “Thank you, Mark. Your understanding means a lot to me. Maybe we could do another karaoke night soon.”
Step 4: Switch roles
Now, they switch roles, with Anna as the speaker and Mark as the listener:
Anna (speaker): “I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. That much is true.”
In this example, the Imago dialogue allows Anna and Mark to express their feelings, be heard, and receive validation and support from each other. It promotes understanding and empathy. This creates opportunities to work together to address their concerns, bolster and fortify their relationship, and understand they’re only human and thus born to make mistakes (but able to turn them into moments of tenderness).
Emerson Dameron is LA’s number-one avant-garde motivational speaker and the host of Emerson Dameron’s Medicated Minutes. Be sure to download his album and improve yourself — before your friends improve themselves first.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
