A Scientific Approach To Dating

I have always been a nerd. That meant I didn’t date a lot until I got to college. I was too focused on my grades and sorta shy and awkward around men.

Then I went to MIT. All of a sudden, I was in nerd Valhalla. My social life took off and I never looked back.

Now, when I was an undergrad, I was committed to equality. I mean, I was majoring in engineering, a profession that was dominated by men and still is.

Because I wanted to be treated fairly as a woman in engineering, I wanted to also treat men fairly. I tried to treat them as fellow human beings, not as “men”, if that makes any sense. So, after freshman year, I decided I needed to ask men out and pay for dates at least half the time.

It was a disaster. And I have the records to prove it.

You see, I charted my love life using graphs. Yes, I really did. I did the same thing the one time I decided to get drunk, though I didn’t use graphics — but I did record exactly how much I drank at each stage, what my body’s reaction to each drink was, etc. I wish I could find that record… or maybe it’s just as well it got lost.

At any rate, my research proved that if I wanted to have a happy dating life, I could not treat men as equals.

This is probably something that wiser women have always known. I might have had a high IQ, but that often correlates with a lack of real-life wisdom. Or common sense. Or EQ.

Whatever you want to call it, I was a late bloomer and only figured some of this stuff out long after most women had.

At any rate, during my experiment with equality — I asked men out and insisted on paying when I did. If they asked me out and I accepted, they would pay, but I tried to ask men out at least as often as I was asked. The other option, which I also considered, was to just always split the bill regardless of who did the asking, but I decided to go with the “whoever asks, pays” and made sure I did at least half the asking.

Guess what?

It was a disaster. During my initial year in college, when I played the “female role” and let men pursue me — I got a TON of dates, and most of the time they would ask me out for second dates. I didn’t always accept, but if I did, a third date inevitably followed. I was super popular. I sometimes had 5 or 6 dates on a weekend. It was fun!

And the guys were attentive and treated me well.

However, when I decided, as an experiment, to treat men equally — things did not work nearly as well. Men would usually say “yes” enthusiastically when I asked them out, but they seemed lukewarm during the actual date. There was seldom a second date.

On the other hand, the men who were asking me out (and paying for our dates) remained attentive and treated me well. They seemed happy to pay, they’d hold the door for me and were obviously excited to be with me. They were much more likely to put an arm around me or hold my hand while we were walking.

Men can deny this dynamic until they are blue in the face, but women should do their own research. Spend 6 months being equal — ask men out at least half the time, and either always split the bill OR pay for the date when you ask them out while letting them pay when they ask you out. Then spend 6 months dating the traditional way.

I created a graph to track my results. A spreadsheet might also work, or whatever method you like best as long as you accurately record the data. Make sure you get a large enough sample size.

Your experience might be different from mine.

However, what I learned — for myself, if I wanted a man to treat me well, I needed to let him ask me out and pay, at least for the first 5–6 dates. After that, it was fine to be on a more equal footing.

For example, one guy I dated — he paid for all of our dates when I was a sophomore. He was asking me out often enough that I never asked him out. However, when I was a junior, I was working and he wasn’t, because he was focused on his undergraduate thesis. So my junior year, I paid for all of our dates even when he asked me out. And it was fine. But I bet, if I had initially split the bill — he would have moved on after a few dates.

Here’s the thing, though. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself. Keep track of your results. See what works best for you.

—

This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything