There are a lot of real benefits to a great long term relationship. But, the length of a romantic relationship doesn’t have to be the main marker of its success. It’s possible to be committed for decades to another person and choose not to grow at all. Or, a long weekend with someone special can completely transform your life for the better.
There’s no real obligation anyone has to approach relationships as an opportunity for growth. There’s plenty of people who believe humans don’t actually grow and change at all, especially in our relationships. The people who don’t believe humans can change never try and surround themselves with others who never try and so they prove themselves right.
The great news about relating with others is personal development does work. Anyone who wants to learn skills, concepts, and perspectives that make relationships happier and more satisfying has that right. And, free will being the wonderful gift it is, no one has to.
This is why it’s important if you are on a sincere journey of personal growth seek out others who are passionate about it too. Everyone has the human right to be exactly as they are and choose whether or not they want to change. If someone doesn’t want to go on that ride, gracefully let them go on their way. There are plenty of incredible women who would be thrilled to find a guy who is willing to be vulnerable, grow, and flourish with them. Repeat after me: only play the personal development game with people who want to play it with you.
It can take enormous pressure off a relationship to mark its success by the quality of experience over how long it lasted. We’ve all seen people who are in long relationships with the same type of person again and again. It’s easy to see from the outside it’s going to be the exact same conversations with that buddy about his love life. It’s long rides with no real growth.
When you enter into relationships with the intention of growing, success means something different than the length of time together. Success could then actually look like breaking up peacefully and kindly. If all your breakups in the past are epic explosions, it’s major growth to figure out how to part ways in a friendly way. You know you’ve succeeded when a friend looks at you like you grew a third arm when you share what happened, like “You two broke up and no one threw your phone off a building?”
It can also look like waking up in the middle of dating someone to realize it’s the same type of person you always date but don’t actually really like and you can release it quickly and compassionately. That growth is successful relating.
Also, your definition of successful relationships can change. You may find women who will match or allow dysfunctional behaviors that feel comfortable. Success can be a relationship you have for 3 weeks where the woman can say “Did you know you can be really passive-aggressive?” and you see it too and decide you want to risk expressing yourself more honestly. It can be a year-long relationship where you see when your girlfriend pokes fun at you and you finally don’t think she’s trying to humiliate you like your girlfriend in high school did. It can be saying yes to a date with a woman who’s nice to you over the one whose mean but exciting.
Even if you don’t end up together, you discover you really like women who treat you well. It could be realizing that a woman you put in the friend-zone who always pushing you to pursue your dreams is maybe someone to explore dating over the one who always tells you to stay in the safe lane and thinks dreaming big is for dumdums. And, even if it’s not meant to be long-term, the next person you’re with its lighter, more fun, less charged, more playful and satisfying.
The best part about it too is that it puts the necessary and true fun into personal growth and also prevents it from becoming too self-absorbed. If you are playing better with others it’s a great indication you are on the right track. You start to see joyful sprouts of new things that usually you might blow right past. Like maybe a new date doesn’t look like the women you usually date but she seems genuinely interested in you and laughs at your jokes. Suddenly, she’s way more attractive than the one who will never kiss you spontaneously in the rain because her hair will get wet.
That’s also when start viewing your relationships with grace. Each one becomes a blessing rather than an affirmation of painful beliefs. Instead of “that woman is just like all the rest”, each date becomes a whole person who comes bearing gifts.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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