In the last five years of my adult life, I have moved twice.
Because of this, I’ve had to learn a lot about how to make new friendships while maintaining old ones and let me tell you — adult friendships are no small feat.
Maybe it’s old codependent behaviors seeping through but this process can be pretty triggering emotionally. The thoughts and feelings are often reminiscent of the ones felt on the Kindergarten playground.
I am not cool enough.
I have no friends.
I have been replaced.
Revelations throughout this process though have taught me adult friendships are a lot different than the kindergarten days though.
Here are words of advice to keep you from experiencing kindergarten feels through transitions of adult friendships:
Everyone is consumed in their own life — as you are in yours and I am in mine.
When something big happens to us, of course, our world is engulfed in it.
Meanwhile, our friends are still in their pre-existing realities. This can cause them to be blind to how much may be occurring in our world.
Similarly, new friends are busy living their everyday lives as well. To you, they may be your only friend in this new place but to them, you may be their 26th friend on their very jam-packed calendar.
It is crucial to not take how friends, new and old, acknowledge and engage with your changes to heart.
They are in their bubble seeing life through their lense, as you are yours, which brings me to my next point…
It takes two — If your friends are not communicating with you as often as you would like or making plans to visit, check yourself and see if you are yourself doing these things.
If you are not, doing it can not only model for them how to navigate this new long-distance friendship but it also can achieve what you are striving for ultimately — communication and companionship.
The same can be said for new friends.
You must put yourself out there and be vulnerable if you want people to do it for you. Message someone in your new city on Instagram and set up a coffee date, talk to someone in your yoga class, go to happy hour with new coworkers.
Relationships new and old take two to build and/or maintain it. The key is making sure this feels mutual over time. One person shouldn’t always be the one reaching out, checking in, and making plans. If you do find yourself in this situation, realize not everything is meant to last forever.
Not all friendships are meant to weather the journey — you will lose people in this process.
Sometimes friendship is about convenience and a transition of moving away from friends will require work. Work to establish a new normal. Work to plan when you can see them. Work to stay engaged in each other’s lives.
Also, people change, regardless of a move or not. Some friendships maintain while others naturally fade out.
Again, do not take this personal.
Through these transitions, you will learn who was meant to be there. This is true for new friendships as well. It can be hard to tell if the new relationship will blossom into something real but have faith that what is meant for you will never pass you by — and that includes people.
There is not a one size fits all to friendship — similar to romantic relationships, we all have different love languages. How you feel valued as a friend can be so entirely different from how someone else feels loved and valued from a relationship.
Add a move to it, and a lot of real feelings of confusion can get into the mix about being unwanted, unneeded, and unworthy.
Do not assume any of these feelings are true without them being validated. Communicate. Speak your needs. Talk to your friends. Tell them you miss them. Plan a trip.
Work through it.
With your friendships, new and old, norms will have to be established. This stage can feel different and foreign. You will get to the other side though.
Friendships are ever-evolving and moving only speeds this process up. Give things time, take a deep breath, have patience with yourself and others.
Remember this isn’t the kindergarten playground. We just have to actively choose not to let our feelings take us there. Ultimately we all are striving for that human connection, regardless of where we are at locationally.
Whether with new friends or old ones, you will eventually find your people, your tribe, you just have to take on the feat.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Jordan Rabe