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(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
Before we were together, my girlfriend had a threesome with two strangers. I found this out during a recent game of “I have never” we played with a group of friends.
I never like to ask about someone’s past, because I don’t think it’s relevant to the present relationship. But to cut a long story short, my girlfriend explained to me that she hooked up with a guy, and when they went back to his place, his flatmate was there, so she hooked up with both men.
To be honest, I find this quite gross but have been trying to suppress those feelings for some time. The issue is that when I am drunk or when we have an argument, I keep calling her the “S” word. I hate using that word, and I hate berating her. I’ve never acted like this before.
I love her dearly, but my behavior is driving her away. Is it normal for me to react this way? Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.
-qotsa2016; London, England
Ahhh, threesomes … just the topic I want to write about knowing my mother’s going to be reading this.
Let’s get two things out of the way first: It’s never OK to call your girlfriend derogatory names, nor is it OK to berate her. No matter what.
I feel like I’m piling on a bit in saying that, because it seems you recognize you’ve been wrong for doing so. But that awareness is irrelevant if you don’t stop doing it. So please stop doing it.
With that made crystal clear…
When it comes to your problem digesting the fact that your girlfriend previously had a threesome, I get where you’re coming from. I get the nausea, the discombobulation, the dazed-and-confusion. Faced with a similar situation, I’d likely suffer the same symptoms.
Generally speaking, guys do not do well dealing with anything regarding a girl’s romantic resume. We just don’t. Hearing about it, thinking about it, it evokes this visceral, stomach-churning shudder, like what happens when you see Lawrence Taylor eviscerate Joe Theisman’s leg. (Click on that link if you dare…I didn’t.)
Chris Rock captures this perfectly when explaining why you should never ask a woman how many men she’s slept with (NSFW) — no matter what number she gives, it’s going to be too high.
“Two?! Two?! Two?! No, no, no…two?! Two?! I guess that’s how you was raised!”
Most of us are just not strong enough or secure enough to handle this type of information in a healthier, more mature way. Which is weird, because we are attracted to wild, even promiscuous girls, in the same way girls are attracted to wild, rebellious guys. There’s an intrigue, a danger, an opportunity to fulfill our craziest fantasies.
But then that whole “Who do you want to have fun with” versus “Who do you want to have children with?” dichotomy comes into play, and we freak out.
Your girlfriend had a threesome before you were together. This means that threesome falls outside your jurisdiction. You can’t hold it against her, and you can’t throw it in her face anytime you get drunk, angry or upset.
That said, it doesn’t mean that threesome can’t still sabotage your relationship, because that’s what it’s doing right now. Or more accurately, that’s what you’re allowing it to do right now.
You said you love your girlfriend dearly, and it sounds like you want to make the relationship work. So in order for that to happen, you have to figure out how to move past it. That’s what a commitment is — accepting someone in all 360 degrees.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about it? I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to do, but I’m not suggesting a recounting of lurid details. Just explain to her what you’re struggling with, why you’re struggling with it and what you’re trying to do to get over it.
Knowing where you’re coming from might slow down her withdrawal. It’s like any argument or trouble spot in a relationship — the more your partner understands what you’re going through and where you’re coming from, the more they’ll help you work through it and the more patient they’ll be. Communication is key.
And patience is probably the best present she can give you right now, because what you need is time. Her being in a threesome is something you’ll never be able to un-know, but it will get easier to accept and stomach — or to at least lock away in some deserted corner of your subconscious. It’s a skill I’d imagine fathers learn once their daughters start dating.
Until you can master that, though, just be kind to your girlfriend, and to yourself. And in those darkest of moments, when your mind is flooded with unwanted thoughts and visuals, focus on the fact that your love for her in the present and future is stronger than your distaste for what she did in the past.
What do you think? What advice would you give this reader? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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Guys, its too late. She has already left me, I should of sought advice earlier.
Suck it up boy. A woman’s sexual partners are part of who she is and her choices… they have nothing to do with you. Either accept who she is entirely or move on. Clearly she’s too much woman for your little ego in any case.
What has been your sexual history? Has it been one of experimentation? (this is likely to be the case for most men), especially those under 60 years old. If so, then you should not be critical of your girlfriends past sexual escapades. Moreover, any relationships she had before she became involved with you are none of your concern. If you are more of the conventional type when it comes to sexuality or relationships in general, then you may want to reconsider the relationship. You know the story. Now the ball is in your court.
Great points, Kyle…thanks for sharing!
I think the pit in your stomach comes from two things. First, your reaction really fits with the traditional male belief that women should be chaste princesses to be cherished and, frankly, possessed. Marriage contracts started as legal ownership contracts, and in many places still are, and so socially men developed this feeling of “buyer’s remorse” when they learned that their women had sex lives before them. Your reaction to your partner was hard for me to read–I can’t jive you saying you love her when you demean and degrade her. That’s a major issue for you to deal with.… Read more »
Steve…really good insight, and I agree — on second thought, I probably shouldn’t have used the word “promiscuous.” Thanks for providing your perspective!
Thanks, Brent. I personally don’t have a problem with the term “promiscuous.” I think it’s pretty descriptive of the sex lives that lots of young, single people have. I support it’s use when applied equally to all genders–there’s a history of it only being used to describe women. Thanks for the article!
Steve…agreed, which is why I should have come up with better phrasing for the point I was hoping to make. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your feedback!
Steve Andersen
Your comment is brilliant !
I second Iben. Than you Steve!
Calling her names is the thing that bothers me most. You are allowed to feel a little upset upon learning something your partner has done that you may not agree with. As long as you hold yourself to the same rules. But you are not allowed to demean and berate them just because they did something you didn’t approve of.
Thanks, Iben!