You’ve probably heard that you should avoid transactional personal relationships. These are defined as a business-like approach to a relationship, where you both expect something in return. This can be considered bad if the other party doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain, leaving you resentful.
However, friendship doesn’t need to be a 50/50 proposition. If definitely hasn’t been in my experience. If you mentally go through your checklist of friends and family, are you getting back as much or more from each than you’ve giving? Probably not. Should you kick them to the curb? Not necessarily (but in some cases, yes.)
The “other” type of relationship is called relational. This is apparently where real intimacy can exist, where you can spend time with another person without mutual expectations. Marriage is supposedly in this category. However, I would argue that many marriages are also transactional to some degree.
Marriages are transactional (in varying amounts)
My partner and I spend time together for the heck of it, but other parts of our lives are transactional. We each have our own “portfolio” of duties (grocery shopping, finances, chores, etc.) that we expect the other to fulfill.
You probably have certain expectations of your partner when it comes to responsibilities. If they suddenly decide not to fulfill them, would you be okay with that? Would you still feel the same about them if they stopped cooking, taking the trash out, or taking your child to extracurricular activities?
Studies have shown that women feel more attracted to their men that carry their share of household duties. This makes sense, as it decreases stress (a libido killer), and probably also frees up energy and headspace for their partner to want sex.
To me, it’s a given we should split daily chores. It’s only fair to a partner that you live with. I can’t imagine being one of those man-children that sit around all day playing video games, eating chips, and then expecting partners to be into “it”.
Even within a relatively healthy marriage, there are at least some transactions. If you don’t carry some of the weight, it will impact the quality of your relational ties. It’s hard close to someone who isn’t willing to lift a finger to help.
Even ‘unconditional’ love requires some transactions
Now, let’s look at another type of bond that is supposedly relational, meaning you don’t expect anything in return: children. Sure, your baby can’t do much, so it would be weird for you to demand reciprocation. (Their cuteness is supposed to be enough to make you want to dote on them. The same may be true for your fur-babies.)
However, when your children get older, there are expectations of them. Some parents expect their kids to watch their siblings, care for pets, and even make dinner in some cases. They also need to do chores (often in exchange for an allowance, which is purely transactional.)
You may still love your kid deeply even if they don’t do any of these things, but the bond won’t likely be as strong. Disappointment in them might creep in, which can lead to resentment. As a result, you might not want to spend as much time with them, or treat them as often.
So, what I’m saying is there are transactional expectations even between parent and child. You may love your kid “unconditionally”, but there are conditions such as good behaviour and cooperation. Even later in life, parents put certain expectations on their children to go to college, find a good job, even get married and have kids.
Kids who don’t perfectly fit their parents’ ideals can become estranged, which is becoming more common as the “rules” change. That doesn’t scream “unconditional” to me.
Some transactional relationships are indeed toxic
If you have a friend that demands rides from you, or calls you to complain about their life (without asking about yours), or routinely begs you to lend them money, then it’s definitely a red flag. I have shed a few friends this way over the years, both male and female (and no, the latter wasn’t because I was a “simp” looking for love. Only recently have I realized some of these female “friends” are narcissists.)
It’s not that I demand to get back as much as I give. I don’t think that’s always realistic. There’s actually something called the 60/40 rule, where you put in 60% effort and expect 40% back. That seems healthy to me. Being obsessed with 50/50 means you’re “keeping score” — placing too much value on the transactional nature of the relationship. Your focus should be more on giving, not just on getting.
The magic “ratio” can — and should — vary from time to time, even to 90/10 in some cases (hopefully not permanently). But I don’t think it should ever be 100/0 unless your partner simply cannot physically or mentally give back — like, your partner is in a coma or something.
If they only take from you, set them free
If you’re in a very lopsided relationship or friendship, you should ask yourself if it’s worth maintaining it. It sounds harsh, but if you’re putting in the work and getting nothing in return (I’m not just talking about affection), then it may be time to call it quits. You could spend your energy much better on people who actually care, and cheer for you.
If you’re the type that doesn’t mind giving much more than you get, then nice for you. Just make sure you aren’t being used for someone else’s gain. A real relationship means the other person cares about your well-being, and will do nice things for you without being asked. This could be anything from sending a text to say what’s up, to helping you move, to being a rock during emotional times.
In conclusion, all relationships are transactional to different degrees — even your own kids. It’s also okay to expect something back in return from time to time. We’re all human with wants and needs, and we have limited resources.
If your friend/partner is really just a parasite feeding off you, and providing nothing of value in exchange, it’s time to cut them free. If they want to know why you ditched them, tell them the truth — their reaction will dictate whether to save the relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash