Are Men’s Relationship Needs Really Simple?

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” 

~ Deepak Chopra

I remember back in the late 80s listening to a Tim Allen stand up routine where he said men have three simple needs: the need for sex, the need for toys, and the need to be left alone.

But since men are people, I wonder if that’s really true.

In my Roommate to Romeo Workshop, one of the participants shared that he always feels like he’s doing something wrong because his wife has a list of criticisms and complaints. He acknowledged that she does some things that annoy him but not enough to bring up and address.

He’s not the only man I’ve heard this from.

And it makes me question if they really are satisfied with less or if that’s just what they have come to expect.

Is it that they don’t want more or that, even if they do, they won’t get it?

I wonder if that’s why there is such a focus on physical intimacy for a lot of men.

But putting all their eggs in this basket is a slippery slope for them and their relationships.

It has been well established that the quality of your life is a function of the quality of your relationships. And I have to think that shrinking all of your feelings, needs, and desires into one outlet—sex—is limiting.

It also puts a lot of pressure on that one aspect of your relationship.

Many of my clients are blindsided by their wives asking for a divorce. They’ve been having sex. Maybe not consistent sex. Or great sex. But enough for them to think everything is fine. Until it’s not.

Or they are focused on increasing the amount of sex or the variety of it, thinking that if that gets fixed, everything else is fine.

What’s really necessary for the marriage to be good is honest, open communication. Meaning both of you have to be honest about what you want and need from each other and the relationship.

This is much harder than simply focusing on your physical relationship. But ultimately, it’s worth it.

It’s vital for neither partner to settle for a less than relationship. But tapping into areas you’re not familiar with can be challenging.

But it’s important to try. Your well-being, that of your marriage and of your wife require it.

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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished on Medium.

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