Are You a Glass Child?

The sibilant hiss of a stream of oxygen. The chalky scent of crushed-up pills in applesauce. The terror of an ambulance arrival. The ghostly halls of a hospital.

These are foundational fragments of memory from my childhood, growing up as the younger sibling to a sister with Down Syndrome and congenital heart problems. So too are the admonishments to be gentle, to be quiet, to be good. The reminders that my mother had enough on her plate. The frequent separations from a sibling with no explanation why. The burning rejection of simply existing in a room that had no space for me.

Such is the experience of a child with a medically complex sibling, and we often carry this weight into our adult lives. Colorless, tasteless, and transparent, it is nevertheless a barrier between ourselves and “normal” people — a glass barrier, for we are Glass Children.

Much like glass, we are fragile and transparent, carrying emotional burdens that are often invisible to others.

The “Glass Child” phenomenon is a term used to describe children who grow up alongside a sibling with a chronic illness or disability. These children are often overlooked or ignored in the shadow of their medically complex sibling. Much like glass, we are fragile and transparent, carrying emotional burdens that are often invisible to others. While the focus naturally gravitates toward the child with the illness, the emotional toll on us siblings can be profound.

The Hidden Emotional Struggles

The attention of one’s family being focused on a child that isn’t you can be an isolating experience. Though often unintentional on the parts of the parents, Glass Children often feel neglected, ignored, or invisible. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. How could it not, when circumstance often places us in the role of secondary sibling? When expressing our feelings could and does add unnecessary stress to an already burdened family dynamic?

Research has shown that siblings of children with chronic conditions often struggle with emotional and behavioral issues. According to a study published in Pediatrics (2016), Glass Children are at increased risk of experiencing depression, anxiety, and social difficulties (Linden et al., 2016). In a family, the sick child often requires a disproportionate amount of time and energy from the parents, leaving little room for attention to the emotional needs of the sibling. The Glass Child phenomenon captures this experience — we often feel like they must be “perfect” or “invisible” to avoid adding stress to the family. These dynamics can extend far past childhood, with the Glass Child forever cast in the role of the “easy” child, not because they are, but because they’ve learned to suppress their thoughts and needs.

We also often have to grow up faster than they should, taking on extra responsibilities in the household or even helping care for their ill sibling. In my family, I wasn’t permitted near my older sister; however, I was expected to pick up the slack in helping to raise my younger sibling. While I think it’s normal for everyone in a household to pitch in, being forced to act as a caregiver instead of receiving the support we need for our own emotional development takes a toll. A study by Boucher and colleagues (2018) found that sibling caregivers often experience a sense of loss or diminished childhood because we are expected to be emotionally mature and independent at an early age (Boucher et al., 2018).

Impact on Relationships

The emotional strain experienced by Glass Children doesn’t just affect our individual well-being — it can also have lasting effects on our relationships. The sibling bond itself can be complicated. Siblings of children with chronic illnesses often feel torn between love and resentment toward our ill sibling. We struggle with guilt for feeling jealous of the extra attention our sibling receives or frustration over the lack of attention we ourselves get. These feelings can lead to complicated sibling dynamics that might persist into adulthood.

These emotional challenges often influence the Glass Child’s ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

The relationships between the Glass Child and our parents can also be impacted. Parents, overwhelmed with caring for a chronically ill child, may unintentionally neglect the emotional needs of the healthy sibling. This leads to is feeling misunderstood or emotionally distant from our parents. We often internalize this sense of neglect, leading to difficulties with trust and communication. In extreme cases, we feel like our emotional needs are seen as secondary. This causes a sense of abandonment or detachment (Kulikowski, 2019).

And of course, these emotional challenges often influence the Glass Child’s ability to form healthy relationships later in life. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology (2017) highlighted how children who grow up in caregiving roles often struggle with setting boundaries and communicating our own needs in adult relationships. We may develop patterns of emotional suppression, believing that our feelings don’t matter or should be kept hidden. As a result, we Glass Children often face difficulties in establishing intimate and trusting relationships as adults (Seligman & Hoh, 2017).

Coping Strategies and Support

I am a Glass Child. I also have two children, one of whom has a chronic health issue, one of whom is healthy. I’ll be damned if my healthy child grows up as a Glass Child, and there are things I can do to prevent it, and if you have a potential Glass Child in your family unit, you can, too.

Acknowledge the healthy child’s feelings and provide them with space to express themselves. This can involve setting aside regular one-on-one time to connect, ensuring they feel valued, and making sure their emotional needs are addressed.

Support groups can also be helpful. Siblings of chronically ill children often feel isolated in our experiences, and connecting with others in similar situations can provide a sense of validation and solidarity. They can also offer is tools for managing our emotions (Seligman & Hoh, 2017). And as always, therapy — whether individual or family-focused — can help healthy siblings to navigate the complex feelings we may experience, including guilt, anger, or sadness.

Being a Glass Child shapes us irrevocably, even though others can’t see it. We are the easy child, but the years of suppressing our own needs create emotional scars and a fear of being overlooked that can linger long into adulthood. As adult Glass Children, though, there is hope for healing, and recognizing the impact of this phenomenon is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Glass Children no longer have to be a passive figure in the background; we can now be the main characters in our stories. And understanding why we are the way we are is the first step.

References:

Boucher, S., Patterson, K., & Brown, M. (2018). Sibling caregivers: Emotional and behavioral outcomes. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 43(2), 186–194.
Linden, M., Mohn, J., & McAllister, R. (2016). The emotional well-being of siblings of children with chronic illnesses. Pediatrics, 137(4), e20153567.
Kulikowski, K. (2019). The invisible siblings: How to support the brothers and sisters of children with chronic illness. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog
Seligman, M. E. P., & Hoh, K. (2017). Chronic illness and family dynamics: Impact on sibling relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(5), 623–631.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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