In today’s hyper-sexualized culture of WAP and modern erotic novels, nudity, even violent sexuality, enjoys a prime spot in mainstream culture. Yet, many people cringe at the idea of openly talking about sex. Nowadays, it seems that having sex is easy, but talking about a sexual experience with depth and affections is an act of courage.
We often think of sex as something only our bodies are engaged in, but a lot of our sex life takes place in our minds. It is common knowledge that when you are too tensed about sex, you cannot tune in with the body as well. Many adults are uncomfortable talking about sex, even with their own partners. Expressing your sexual desires is not a sin. In fact, talking about them makes you more liberated physically, but also mentally.
Sexual guilt holds us back from spontaneous and authentic expression because we hide for fear of being judged. We can’t feel sexy as long as we feel guilty. The sexual guilt we carry with us is having s direct impact on the ability to enjoy the sexual experience.
What a shame. Talking about sex is the only way to have better sex.
Why do we need to talk about sex?
It was psychotherapist Sigmund Freud who once declared that sexual repression is the chief psychological problem that we face in society.
Plenty of research shows that couples who have open conversations about sexual issues are also more satisfied with their relationships. No wonder. “You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it,” says Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist who specializes in sex, love, and relationships. It illuminates the deep cracks in many relationships which lack a crucial component: intimacy.
Intimacy can be defined as the ability to meet yourself when you are near someone else (aka Into-Me-See). It is not about learning more about the other person, but an opportunity to share your needs, vulnerabilities and open up parts of yourself that barely see the light of public knowledge. I believe such a connection creates a sacred space, helping to reach a deeper level of understanding. Bad communication about sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything,” says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist.
Many people have this faulty misconception that to share, one needs to be perfect. Otherwise, you will not be accepted.
Humans are driven by social acceptance, especially in their formative years. The pressure to be liked and approved has moulded many assumptions about what we can and cannot discuss. So we shy away from many topics to avoid being laughed at or eradicated from the social scene.
The new study found that women who talked openly with their friends about sexual experiences felt more confident to express themselves in bed and protect their sexual health by asking for what they needed to feel safer.
What comes naturally when talking openly about sexual life, our bodies and needs, we also open up the gates for the awareness of sexual health. Sexual shame can prevent us from living a healthy sex life. That is why we need to feel freedom in talking about it. Shame feeds on darkness but dies in the light of awareness.
Stress affects your sex life. If you are constantly worried about the sex topic popping out in a conversation with your partner or a friend, then your relationship will suffer. Becoming more open about taboo topics allow for authenticity and vulnerability to blossom in the partnership. When you get to feel free and talk about anything, your stress level diminishes, thus your creativity thrives.
Science pinpoints that self-judgment and shame shut down the learning centers of the brain, robbing us of the resources we need to learn and grow.
What is more, when we hold too much pent-up energy around our sacral regions (the lower belly), that stored up energy may manifest as tension within our body, chronic pain, irregular menstrual cycles, fatigue and many more diseases.
Silence begets shame and misinformation.
As children come into this world, they are not familiar with shame. Babies are free and unconstrained to touch their bodies, run around naked, ask open questions out of natural curiosity. As time goes by, we learn that certain topics are off the table and feel shameful for even thinking about them. Our exploration begins to have its limits, as do creativity and self-confidence.
People absorb toxic sex-shaming messaging from a very young age. Children observe their parents and mimic their reactions to what is appropriate and not. Parents tend to freak out about what may happen if they talk about sex with their children, that they rarely give thought to the harm done if they don’t talk about it. Not talking about sex can deeply affect one’s sense of self and the quality of romantic relationships. Feeling shame around sexual topics creates shame around our bodies. Then self-esteem goes out the door.
The worst part is: people are not even aware of the sexual shame they hold within. The typical behaviour is to hide what is considered ‘sinful’. Thus, shame flourishes.
Research suggests that the main source of the embarrassment is not caused by a person’s own lack of self-esteem, but by the possibility of losing respect and credibility in the eyes of others.
Women feel guilty about masturbation. A March 2020 survey on the topic of masturbation found that 83 per cent of correspondents thinks there is still a stigma around female desire — a feeling that isn’t helping to diminish the guilt associated with female self-pleasure. Why? Due to a lack of knowledge about their bodies.
Nakedness does not correlate with authenticity but vulnerability. And the latter has earned quite a bad rap. You are an easy target for judgment. It brings to mind a lack of protection. And ego strives for security and survival. Spread those ideas throughout centuries, and you will produce the society that is afraid, even repulsed, at the idea of sex. Of course, it has its extremes, as what becomes hidden raises many interests and arousal. Thus, perversion is born.
Where is this shame coming from?
- Religion has always condemned sexuality. Religion would like to brainwash us that premarital sex is sinful, dirty and dangerous. Religions across the globe promote sexual conservatism, sending a message that abstinence is the way teenagers should treat their sexual desires.
Sexuality is religion’s worst nightmare because it offers the possibility of personal autonomy. Religion’s ideas about sex centre on ‘don’t do this and don’t do that.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free— Dr Marty Klein, marriage counsellor and sex therapis.
- Cultural misconceptions about gender roles. Young girls tend to absorb the message that sex correlates with protection or affection (get him to like me) but never showcase how much you enjoy it — unless they want to be labelled as ‘sluts’. Contrary to boys, who may grow up feeling entitled to have sex with women who do not particularly enjoy or give consent to it.
- Body shaming. The rise of generally accepted nudity throughout social media has corroded our perception of beauty. It left walking around in a constant state of judgment toward ourselves. Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls’ ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image. Poor confidence and mental health struggles have been linked with sexual dysfunction and less satisfying sex. Lingering shame around experiencing pleasure is likely at the heart of women’s ongoing attempts at having orgasms and struggles with lagging libido.
- We lack basic sexual education. As you may be ashamed to talk about sex, it may be due to your younger age when you were reprimanded or hushed for asking questions about sex.
- Fear of rejection. We find it difficult to talk about sex as we are not confident in our bodies, thus doubt our sexual performance. We fear discussing the topic for fear of being laughed at. Not everyone wants to share their intimacy with everyone, and that is perfectly fine. However, nobody should feel guilty about sex.
- We have been conditioned to think sex is taboo. However, there is one strong argument I find prevailing and attractive to kiss and do not tell. Sex is intimate, so we strive to keep it private and share only with trustworthy individuals. When talked about, sex no longer feels special.
- Traumatic sexual experiences. Sexual violence can be the culprit of complex emotions, shame being one of them. Sexual abuse strongly affects how that person will view sexuality and the sexual experience. It can either lead to repression or become extremely ostentatious about sex.
How can you become more comfortable when talking about sex?
Embracing a shameful attitude towards sex is a very personal journey. Becoming aware of sexual shame is the first step to changing the narrative. Only by acknowledging it, we can implement changes. Then, you can become intimate with yourself and identify what limiting beliefs you hold about sexuality.
- What are the negative tapes that play in your head?
- Do you think the needs of others are more important than your own?
- How do you feel about your own body?
- Are you confident in expressing yourself creatively, or do you follow expectations of others in life pursuits?
Honestly answering those questions makes you look at the design of your life and narrative played in your head from a different, fresh angle.
Start reading articles, books about sexuality. Look for a medical practitioner who you feel comfortable talking to about a range of sexual matters. Start having more open conversations with friends and family about sex.
Get to know your body through self-pleasure. Once you learn what makes you comfortable, and you can openly communicate to your partner about it, you get to enjoy sex and intimate closeness with one another.
You are in charge of your own sexuality, so you can feel free to keep it at a pace that you’re comfortable with. Keep learning about yourself, sexuality, and relationships.
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Sex is not the experience depicted in movies, whether from Hollywood or the porn industry. Sex entices strong emotions. If one is not equipped in acknowledging them, sex may be used as a form of escapism.
Real sex includes creativity and silliness, but also blunders, awkwardness, misinterpretations and intense desire. When you make space for those natural parts of sexuality, we get to enjoy it more openly and profoundly.
Let’s not make a big deal out of our sexual life for the sake of our health and enjoyment. Keep it private within the walls of our intimate circle, but never feel ashamed of having sex and enjoying it.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Jeremy Banks on Unsplash