WELL INTENTIONED DISLOYALTY
I’m not being ironic. There is a difference between someone who means well and a genuine person who doesn’t end well. The reason you’re reading is obvious. There is a great guy with you. You want to know if it’s too good to be true. His actions are consistent. His conversations engaging. His looks sincere. He’s indistinguishable from the man you will actually marry. The difference? He’s the guy who will break your heart.
I was once this man.
The man who meant well but didn’t end well.
That’s why I’m writing this. I was never a playboy. I never wanted sex with no commitment. That’s the hard part. These types of men don’t red flag you with bad intuition. The reason? They have none. These men can be indistinguishable from the man you’re looking for.
They mean well. There are no nefarious intentions. They really don’t want to play you. It just does not end well.
The reason?
They’re unresolved in a certain area. They hide it very well. The sign they show, you think is a good one.
So, let’s read the sign you find illegible. It’s screaming something in a language you are not recognizing.
LACK OF HEALING
Unfortunately, your heart is the expense of this incomplete area. That’s why I decided to write this article. I wanted you to recognize lack of healing.
Men have a hard time healing in general. This is especially true when someone they deeply love hurts them. Men often make the mistake of thinking because they can sleep with someone else, they’ve moved on.
It doesn’t.
A man can move on from the idea of being with his lover. What a man often doesn’t move on from is the hurt. It is possible to be over being with someone but not be over them.
That’s what makes this sign hard to read. The man truly doesn’t want to be with his ex.
THE BIG SIGN YOU CAN’T READ — HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIS EX
First. This only applies to a man who had a child with another woman. No man should be talking about exes whom he never had children with. Maybe a first love from his childhood is okay. Something sentimental which happened a long time ago. That’s fine. No mature adult exes where no children are involved though. That point made. Let’s continue.
You may think it is good to not talk about an ex. Afterall, who wants to hear about an ex? You might be confused on this one.
Too much negative talk means he isn’t over her. Too much good talk means he’s still in love with her.
No talk is different. No talk means he can’t bear the idea of even thinking about her. It pains him. So, he thinks the way to forget her is by never speaking about her.
So, where’s the middle ground?
THE SIGN’S SCENARIO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
A healthy person who is healed will bring up his ex as it pertains to a relevant subject, as it surfaces in real time, and speak positively. An example of this would be he needs to pick up his child. He tries to find out when he can pick her up while he is with you. Unfortunately, the mother does something. Imagine it would normally piss any guy off (woman reader just imagine a scenario you would agree with).
You see her error. He agrees. His response should be something like this,
“I can’t pick up my daughter today because of her mother. I miss my daughter. Although it’s my time I don’t know why she did what she did. I choose how I use my time. I also choose what type of day we’re going to have. Let’s take advantage of this opportunity and make the best out of it. I’ll try and make it up to my daughter when I see her. Her mom’s a good person. She’ll come around.”
SCENARIO BODY LANGUAGE
His body language should be calm. He should readily smile. His mood should almost be indifferent. In this scenario his ex-lost her ability to manipulate his emotions. Emotionally he no longer responds. She cannot get a negative reaction out of him. He is clear headed. He chooses to see things objectively.
A man who cannot manage his emotional reactions to his ex is a man who still allows his ex to enter and leave his heart.
GOLDILOCKS & THE THREE EMOTIONAL BEARS
Understand this is one scenario of many. I can’t write them all. It would be a book. I might come out with that one day. I’ll keep you all posted.
My goal is to show you one major red flag. This flag is easy to spot out when you’re looking for it. This is a flag most of you encounter. Unfortunately, most women ignore the flag. It looks pink not red. It’s on the light end of the spectrum.
Many overlook the fact someone never talks about their ex. They view it as a positive. Many think never speaking about an ex is healthy.
Actually, it is the opposite. It is healthy to speak about your ex. The key is how, what, and why. How a man broaches this subject reveals if unresolved hurt resides within him.
Think of ex conversations like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Too positive is too hot. Too negative is too cold. Just enough is as it pertains to valid life events as they occur unprompted by him.
Never is a sign a bear is waiting in the closet to eat your emotional heart once he realizes he’s in a place he doesn’t want to be.
UNRESOLVED HURT IS THE MESSAGE
Unresolved hurt means healing is not complete. Men who need healing lack clarity. Their heart is not whole. Their heart may take another form when it fully heals. This incomplete process distorts their priorities, opinions, and decisions. As a result, these men have high probabilities of making an incorrect choice. The issue is they believe their choice right.
This choice often means you.
The woman in his life.
It is possible for the man I wrote about to be the man you want him to be. This man may become all you hope for. We often judge people by their actions but judge ourselves by intentions. His intentions may be to love you. His actions may accidently hurt you. Sometimes hurt is the same. A person who lost everything on accident is still a person who lost everything. Try not to lose your heart. I hope this article helps you if you are dealing with a man who has children from a previous relationship. Don’t mistake the Red Flag for Pink.
To your knowledge success!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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