Yes, what your wife thinks of you matters. But is it the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? In a word—NO.
Her view of you is based on your behavior, but only
partially. She came to your relationship with her lens about men and
relationships pre-formed. And she interprets your behavior through her past
experiences. She tells herself a story about what you’re doing and why. But
does she actually take the time to verify whether it’s accurate?
Now, you can accept her perspective in totality—Happy Wife,
Happy Life don’t you know. Or you can claim what’s true (both the positive and
not so positive) and let go of the rest. But whatever you do, please resist the
urge to correct her viewpoint. In this case, let your actions speak louder than
words.
One of my core positions is that explanation of behavior is
always acceptable but defending or justifying it is not. Once you do either,
you are tacitly accepting that her interpretation is correct and there is
something wrong with yours. Again, just because she says or believes something
doesn’t make it true.
One of the common complaints I hear from my clients is that
no matter what they do, they always fall short of her expectations. There is no
credit for what they do, only what they don’t do.
Now, if you say you will do something and don’t follow
through, that is on you. But if she has expectations of you that you
have not agreed to, that’s her issue. Be polite about it but get curious about what
those might be. Who are you being compared to? Some abstract belief about what
a husband is and does? Her father? A previous partner?
Recognize that just because she wants you to be a certain
way, it doesn’t mean you have to oblige.
It is good for a marriage for both partners to say “yes”
when they can. But you have a right to decide what you will agree to. Marriage
is a partnership, not a dictatorship. And you get to be who you are. You want
to be the best you, but still you.
If you’re a handy guy, great. Go take care of all those
tasks you love to do. If not, that’s okay too. Hire it out. Or, if she’s handy,
let her go for it.
If her vision of you is a three-piece suit and you don’t
even own a suit, not your issue. Just make sure whatever you wear is
appropriate. You can be open to her preferences if they don’t make you uncomfortable
but, again, the final decision is yours.
To borrow from Wayne Levine, getting clear on your
Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms (N.U.T.S.), as well as embracing your best
self, you get to define who you are. The more you live into this, the happier you
will be and the easier you will find it to say “yes” to her when you
can.
And the final win—you will have her respect.
If you want to learn how to do this, let’s talk.
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This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.
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