When I googled “red flags”, 276,000,000 results showed up in 0.7 seconds. The majority of them are about dating and relationships.
I can imagine singles and couples searching, reading, and watching behind their computer screens, hoping to find the perfect answers for their burning questions:
Is that a red flag?
Well, friends, if crowdsourcing could help you figure things out, you would have figured them out a long time ago. Why are you still clicking and scrolling?
. . .
The Problem about “Red Flags”
If you pull up 10 articles on red flags in dating and relationships, you will get at least 10 different answers, most likely more — listicles are popular!
Your brain needs to process the answers by sifting, comparing, interpreting, etc. Your thoughts are churning, you are actively analyzing and visualizing, but you are still not sure.
You are not sure, because every point seems to make sense, but none of them is 100%. If you put them on a scale of 1–10 and compare them with the observations of your date/partner, you will get a mixture of 1s, 3s, 5s, 7s, and maybe 10s.
Are you going to make an excel sheet and use your excellent mathematical skills (which I don’t have, unfortunately) to make the most logical decision?
The truth is, everyone is a mixture of green, yellow, and red flags, which is subject to change with circumstances.
Most people, if not everyone, may have some emotional triggers. “Red flags” can be problematic, because they only point out the symptoms, not the causes.
While some symptoms may be caused by deeper, more concerning issues, others could just be thought errors. If you define all of them as red flags, you are likely to see red flags everywhere and get deflated.
Ask yourself before labeling: Do I know the truth, or am I making assumptions? If you are making assumptions, your mind drama creates the red flags.
. . .
Communication is Key
That’s why communication is key in pretty much everything. You won’t know the whole truth unless you can openly and honestly talk about it — remember, your partner does not have your brain. You could both have good intentions yet heading in different directions.
When you work with your own model, you see things in your ways. You are entitled to your opinions, yet they don’t have to be the only way how things can be.
It’s simply convenient to label “red flags” and call it off, telling yourself this is not your person, and move on. How could you expect your partner to work with your model, when you don’t want to work with theirs?
If you avoid “difficult conversations” because it is uncomfortable or awkward, you are the one with the red flag.
If you don’t tell them how you feel and expect them to know by reading your mind, you are the one with the red flag.
If you refuse to accept the truth and force things to go according to your expectations, you are the one with the red flag.
And that’s how you get into “dating purgatory” — don’t know, don’t care, don’t ask, don’t tell— simply write this person off and go for the next one.
. . .
Truth Will Free You
If you divert your energy to guessing or assuming, cut yourself some slack: Ask and answer, honestly. You may not hear what you want to hear, but you are going to get what you need to know — the truth.
Truth may not be pretty, but it comes from love, not fear. When it comes from love, it’s powerful and liberating.
Being honest with yourself and with your partner is equally important — it shows respect, and gives you agency to make sound decisions.
Deeming “red flags” is easy because you can just ghost the other person with no explanation. Telling the truth? Certainly not the same. Some people spend their entire lives living in lies.
Next time when you find yourself on the lookout for red flags, ask if you are avoiding the truth because of fear. That’s where the path of growth lies, and that’s where you want to go, despite how uncomfortable or scared you might be.
Life is too short to be spent in assumptions, and dating is certainly not on the easier end of the spectrum. Know your truth, speak your truth, and live in your truth. When you let truth lead, you also let love lead — isn’t that how you want to live your life?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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