Avoidants Will Never Share These 5 Dark Thoughts With You

I loved an avoidant for 7 years. And still do. I saw the good, bad, and ugly.

I want to share some of the ugly with you. Why? Because looking at the darkness long enough and not shying away from it can help you heal, whether you’re the avoidant or their partner.

Before starting our tour inside avoidants’ subconscious minds, we must clear a popular misconception. It will set the stage for everything we’ll cover.

People think avoidants are scared of commitment, vulnerability, and closeness. I’m here to tell you that’s not true. To be precise, it’s only partly true.

Avoidants are NOT afraid of commitment, or are they?

It’s not a mystery that avoidants are terrified of intimacy, closeness, and commitment. Almost everybody knows this. Heck, avoidants themselves will tell you, probably straight away, that they’re scared of these things.

And even if they don’t, you will start noticing it after a while.

However, those are not the real fears that keep avoidants up at night. They’re not the main reason they treat their partners like shit or flee from relationships. They’re only symptoms of deeper fears.

To be more precise, 5 fears make avoidants unable to commit, scared of vulnerability, and terrified of closeness.

Here they are:

Abandonment.
Dependence.
Criticism.
Rejection.
Expectations.

To understand them, imagine the following

Let’s imagine an avoidant who wants to heal and become more secure. Let’s reverse-engineer the healing process. The final result is someone who can tolerate vulnerability and closeness (maybe even enjoys these things).

This final result is achieved by healing the fears mentioned above, not by directly working on commitment or closeness. One will naturally want closeness and be more comfortable with commitment when those fears aren’t in charge.

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The “thoughts” we’ll cover below are all based on these 5 fears.

Whether you’re the avoidant or their partner, they’ll make you laugh, cry, angry, sad, and wiser at the same time.

Let’s dig in.

#1 “X is better than you.” The Phantom Ex

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The fear(s) behind this thought: Abandonment and rejection (and somehow dependence).

When/why they think in this way: When they feel the relationship is getting serious.

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The ways avoidants use to reduce intimacy and create distance are as unique as the individual. They can surprise you by how creative they can build walls between you.

However, there are strategies that are used by almost all avoidants. One of these strategies is the phantom ex. You know, the one who got away.

Why do avoidants have a phantom ex?

You see, avoidants love triangles! It makes them feel safe.

The existence of another person (even as an idea) gives them a sense of control and safety. It makes them believe they’re in control of their feelings and can stop themselves from getting close to their current partner.

In most cases, this has nothing to do with their current partner or the phantom ex. It’s about their obsessive need to create distance and regain control over their feelings and the dynamic of the relationship (by keeping it shallow). The phantom ex is just a tool.

It’s usually a person with whom it’s impossible or extremely difficult to form a stable relationship. You know, married, moved on, toxic, zero compatibility, zero feelings, …etc.

So, they’re left feeling less for their partner (as a result of unfavorable comparison). And they also never end up with the phantom ex (because they don’t want to in the first place). A “safe” triangle!

#2 “You’re invading my privacy and personal space.”

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The fear(s) behind this thought: dependence and expectations (and somehow criticism).

They usually think in this way: When they feel trapped and as if they need to fulfill your expectations and demands.

Emotionally immature people have trouble with boundaries. They either have weak or very rigid ones. Obviously, avoidants are emotionally immature, and they have too rigid boundaries.

Their boundaries are set this tight because they serve as a protection mechanism. Avoidants fear dependence, so they go out of their way to remain independent.

To them, independence = safety, and dependence = danger.

(To an emotionally mature person, dependence and independence aren’t bad or good. Too much or too little of these things is problematic).

When one is scared of something, they will see it in everything. If you’re scared of spiders, everything that looks remotely similar will set you off.

So, they perceive many situations as interference with their boundaries even if they’re not. Even when you aren’t asking for too much.

They would act as if they were living on an island alone. They have to survive alone. Any sign of dependence on you is viewed as an insult to their independence and a potential threat.

#3 “Seeing you suffer and in pain gives me a strange type of satisfaction.”

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The fear(s) behind this thought: abandonment, rejection, and criticism (a combination).

When they usually think in this way: Whenever they experience (even glimpses of) abandonment, rejection, or criticism. It’s the way they react to being hurt.

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Avoidants have a wounded inner child. It guides their (hurtful) behaviors in an attempt to protect itself. But because it’s a child, the methods it uses to protect itself are often immature.

Inside of them, there’s a hurt, immature child who wants to inflict the same pain it’s feeling onto others. It’s full of rage and resentment.

It can’t rely on anyone but itself for protection because this didn’t work out well. And it views their partner as an enemy when it’s triggered. So, it’s justifiable to inflict some pain on them.

Specifically, the same pain it thinks their partner is trying to inflict on them — the same pain they’re trying to protect themselves from.

Once they do, they feel a fake sense of safety and protection. It gives them satisfaction. They’ve succeeded in protecting themselves.

But there’s another darker reason

Avoidants aren’t in touch with their feelings. They can’t properly access their emotions. One of the ways they have this access is through their partner’s emotions.

What does that mean?

In a sad way, they can’t feel their partner loves them unless they see them suffer because of this love. To them, love is pain and suffering. So, if this person is suffering because of me, it means they love me.

It’s the ultimate proof of love and a subtle way to suggest this person will stay no matter what.

But is that true? Well, they don’t fully believe it. So, they test it. They think . . .

#4 “I test your love for me using impossible tests to ensure you always fail. Why do I do this? To reassure my belief that everyone will eventually leave me.”

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The fear(s) behind this thought: Abandonment and rejection.

When they usually think in this way: When they can’t believe their partner really loves them and wants to be with them.

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When you think about this idea based on the wounded inner child concept, you’ll figure out it makes sense. But let’s add another idea to make the picture perfectly clear.

Avoidants have a deep fear of abandonment. Their inner child experienced it before, and it’s trying to protect itself from it in the present.

But this fear made them create beliefs about themselves and lovability.

We tend to confirm our beliefs about ourselves and lovability by creating situations that align with these beliefs. Precisely, in relationships, we selectively think about, see, remember, and even process information that confirms our lovability or unlovability.

Since their inner child is wounded and is terrified of abandonment, it already believes that it’s unlovable.

“Everyone will leave me,” it thinks. To confirm this belief, while secretly hoping it’s incorrect, they put their partner to the test.

They show them the worst of them. And even if the partner was to pass the test, there would be another more difficult test. Why? Passing the tests won’t solve the underlying fear of abandonment and creepy beliefs about one’s lovability.

It’s like, “Ok, you love me. For now. But what about tomorrow?”

So, ultimately, the partner will fail. And then the inner child will yell, somehow excited, “See? I told you! Everyone will leave me. I just saved you by showing you exactly what will happen. At least it happened under my control.”

But this strategy, ultimately, doesn’t work. It will turn into . . .

#5 “Your rejection will kill me. So, I’ll reject and leave you before you do.”

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The fear(s) behind this thought: Rejection and abandonment (and somehow criticism).

When they usually think in this way: When they sense they will get rejected (or when they’re criticized).

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In other words, as Faouzia mentions in her song Born Without a Heart, “I’d rather be heartless than have my heart in pieces.”

This also makes perfect sense when viewed through the wounded inner child’s eyes. Here’s the “logic” behind it:

“If everyone will leave me, I will protect myself by leaving first.”

However, there’s another layer I would like to peel as well. Avoidants aren’t only trying to avoid abandonment. They’re also terrified and are trying to avoid rejection itself. Obviously, that’s because it triggers their abandonment wound. But there’s another reason: rejection hurts their already wounded self-esteem.

Look, rejection sucks. Even if you’re secure and emotionally mature and secure, getting rejected is an unpleasant experience. And it hits harder when one’s self-esteem is already wounded. It’s like adding insult to injury!

To avoid this devastating feeling of inferiority (caused by the rejection), avoidants will think:

“Oh, I ain’t taking that. Not only will I be abandoned, but I will also be rejected. That’s a cocktail of pain I ain’t willing to tolerate for anyone because it will kill me. So, I’ll be the one who rejects.”

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