So once upon a time, I had enough energy to do all sorts of things. I could work a 60-hour week and often did. I could hike for hours at a time. I went skiing, white water rafting, scuba diving, and deep sea fishing. I traveled. I did my own oil changes, re-painted rooms in my house, re-finished a hardwood floor, grouted my bathroom, and gardened. One year I grew 17 tomato plants, a variety of peppers, and cut flowers that graced my dining room table for 10 months out of the year. I threw parties and went to parties. I loved to dance.
In other words, I had a busy, active life.
Now?
I barely have the energy for normal activities.
If I cook a meal, I’ll need to take a nap afterward. Same if I go out with friends. The other day, I was taken out to celebrate the end of chemo and amazingly, I was able to stay out for three hours. It felt great. But then I hit the wall and I took a nap after they dropped me off at my house. The next day, I felt wiped out and could barely function.
In addition to having low energy, I have other issues thanks to the side effects of the various cancer therapies I’ve gone through. My balance is off in the mornings because, thanks to chemo, I have neuropathy in my toes. I also have developed a slight speech impediment, but the nurse told me speech therapy will help and she’s set up an appointment for me. My skin is much more fragile and easily injured.
Yet… I feel grateful.
Because I like being alive.
And when I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer back in April of 2021, the surgeon who removed a lemon-sized tumor from my brain candidly told me I’d be dead within 6 months, give or take a couple of months. He also told me I’d be in hospice care for much of that time.
Well, he was wrong.
OK, so I can’t climb mountains these days. I’m lucky if I can walk my dog for 20 minutes. But… I can still give him treats, pet him, love on him.
I can’t spend hours with my friends. But the people I love are understanding and we arrange shorter visits that I can manage. I can’t drive to them, so they come to me. In some ways, cancer has brought me closer to the people who really matter to me.
This includes my mother. This whole experience has deepened our relationship.
I can still putter in my garden, though I need to ask friends to help me sometimes. I can still enjoy music, though I’m not stable enough to dance these days. But I can sit and tap my feet.
I can still read good books and write articles on Medium.
I can still pray, for myself, for friends, and for the world.
Instead of focusing on what I can no longer do, I try to focus on what I can and try to do these things to the best of my ability.
Let’s be real, it doesn’t always work. I’ll hear about a trip a friend of mine is taking and feel a tinge of envy. I want to go on that trip too! Though I can’t afford to travel anymore — medical bills have eaten up my budget and run through my savings.
It would be easy for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and hey, I’m human. Sometimes I have a pity party.
But then I remind myself — I am still alive when my doctors thought I would be dead by now.
And there is still so much joy and love in this life… if I focus on what I have and not on what I’ve lost.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.
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