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I have been involved in many conversations recently around “what makes a ‘good man’ a ‘good man?’” At some point, honor, and integrity always come up. While the definitions of these words may vary slightly from person to person, they generally describe a person of purpose who acts for something greater than themselves.
Looking back through my life, these words became ways of being during my martial arts training, which began almost 20 years ago. Appropriately enough, the day I walked into that dojo delineates when I, as an adult, first took responsibility for my life.
Prior to that day, I mostly felt weak. I had friends, I was funny, and I was scared to death of being picked on. I was usually able to avoid trouble, and the times that it found me, I played it off as if nothing happened. I could talk my way out of most situations, but I never felt safe.
One night, when I was 26, my girlfriend and I were followed home from a yoga class by two guys. It was a stressful ride home, with me taking alternate streets and trying to lose them. Ultimately, they gave up, but I was terrified. It was that night that I decided to learn to finally defend myself and the people I cared about.
I had wanted to learn a martial art as a kid.
I loved Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris movies, I practiced the moves I saw on “Kung Fu Theater,” and I always imagined myself prevailing in a fight. But I did not prevail, and I didn’t step foot in a dojo.
As years went by, the idea of being an “older” student came with the fear of feeling embarrassed if someone younger got the better of me. I let the desire to train go and hoped for the best. The “best” meant that, throughout Junior High and High School, from time to time, someone would trip me in the halls, bump into me hard or try to draw me into a fight. I survived without ever having to throw hands, but with little dignity.
Years later, I entered the dojo and instantly felt at home. I remember feeling that the Sensei, who would eventually become a close friend, really cared about me and my well-being. What was missing, was the big egos I feared would be waiting for me. I loved it. I trained as often as I could and advanced through the ranks. And then one night, I was invited to become an instructor. When people ask me how long I have been coaching, the truth is, I started that night. “Coaching” as a title for me has been about six years at this point. Coaching as a way of being has been about 18 years.
Becoming an instructor involved much more than just running lower belts through drills; I was suddenly responsible for their training, well-being and the lives of everyone who bowed into my class.
The virtues of honor and integrity were always held with the highest regard.
When students came to me with personal problems, like my instructors before me, I supported them with an incredible amount of intention for them to find the solutions they needed.
I share this because the master-apprentice model is incredibly beneficial in one’s personal development. Mentorship is another word for it.
Before my martial arts journey, I recall a spiritual teacher asking me who I considered to be an archetypal man. I was looking hard at who I wanted to become and how I wanted to show up in the world. And, at that time, there was no teacher, role model or even celebrity that I could come up with as one who had all of the traits I imagined. Pa Ingalls, the character from “Little House on the Prairie,” was the closest I could come up with.
In the dojo, I suddenly had several mentors, from all walks of life. I had people to look up to, people to guide me and people to measure myself by. And these folks were all standing for something greater than themselves, and they were standing for me.
Mentors seem to be missing in large part from our daily experience, unless it is on a professional level.
I often say that we are not taught how to really be people in our schools. For those of us that recognize the need, or that seek something deeper, we can find relationships like this. For the rest, we end up feeling lost most of the time. I speak with people every day who express to me that they feel this way. Of course, working with me provides a powerful opportunity to be mentored in “the way of life.” And there are various other organizations that may provide this as well.
To those feeling lost, I always invite them to look at what it is they want in their lives and who they wish to be. For those who have figured at least some of that out, I invite them to show someone else the way.
Around seven years ago, I had a conversation with Marianne Williamson, the author, and teacher. She was very gracious and helpful to me at a difficult time in my life. When I asked how I could repay her, she replied, “Someday you will be on my side of the couch. Just pay it forward.” And that is where I have been standing from ever since.
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Matt – What is your martial arts training? Yeah, the privilege of Sensei is very cool. We get to guide others on their journey of discovering their greater than self. I’ve trained in Aikido for 28 years. I love it.