How to understand a woman’s desires? Well, reading the smut she enjoys is a good start.
American popular culture is saturated with sex, and aliens examining us from space might think that Americans are pretty open about telling their lovers what they want in bed. Our transmissions of Miley Cyrus’s twerking posterior and endless reminders to call our doctors if our erections last longer than four hours seem to send that message pretty clearly.
Of course, an enormous discrepancy remains between our honest communication about our mutual desires and the hours we spend watching videos about them. With Fifty Shades of Grey, the written word has helped bring the world of sexual fantasy and experimentation squarely into the mainstream.
While Fifty Shades may have encouraged a more open dialogue between men and women about our bedroom appetites, few would claim we have surrendered our Puritan conservatism when talking, or not talking, about sex.
Despite this, misunderstandings or lack of communication about sex often arise between men and women. Author Desiree Daun reports that female readers reach out to her on a regular basis asking for advice on how to raise the subject of their fantasies with their own husbands or lovers.
Men seeking to close this communication gap with the women in their lives could greatly benefit from the world of erotic fiction, which currently enjoys booming sales, particularly in the digital realm. Most authors in the genre are women and importantly, so are most of its readers. The differences between the porn stashes we men swear we gave up years ago and what our lovers read on their Kindles offer invaluable lessons to make us better men. And as multiple authors of erotica will tell us, all we need to do is ask.
IT’S NOT A COMPETITION
Some men might feel threatened or insecure knowing the women they love indulge in the sexual fantasies explored on the pages of erotic fiction. And the fact that the mechanics of sex are not the focus of most erotica read by women may encourage their husbands or lovers to believe they are emotionally as well as sexually inadequate.
It is true that despite graphic sexual depictions, the stories favored by women focus on the relationships between the protagonists that led to sex in addition to the sex itself.
“The men I write about are genuinely full human beings,” author Meg Amor says. “They feel emotions and they express them. And the women like this.”
Female readers “want to know the people who are doing the deed,” author Cerise Lush adds. “It makes them feel more connected to the story and makes it easier to self-insert, and you don’t really get that from watching porn.”
“The men I write about are genuinely full human beings,” author Meg Amor says. “They feel emotions and they express them. And the women like this.”
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Many men might compare themselves unfavorably to the six-pack abs so often seen on the covers of or described in the pages of popular erotic fiction. But just like the flawless bodies of female adult film stars, authors of erotica would caution us not to read too much into fictional perfection.
For one thing, many male protagonists in erotica favored by female readers are utterly attainable. Author Phoebe Alexander notes that most of her male characters are realistic men in realistic situations.
Erotica author Spencer Dryden adds, “my stories are often laced with humor. My typical male character is not some hunky rich stud with soulful eyes and a distant manner. They tend to be ordinary guys, often a bit clueless, who fall into the orbit of a sexually aggressive woman.”
When monitoring online discussions about her stories, Meg Amor says, “I’ve run across comments from guys who say things like, ‘I bet the really big penis was what grabbed you in that piece.’ And most of the women come back and say, ‘no, it was the fact that he was funny. Or he was kind. Or that he took his time.’”
Reflecting this nuance is the fact that some of the most popular erotica is classified as “erotic romance” within the larger genre, placing emphasis on not just the sex but the relationships that led up to it. “There’s a misconception that erotic romance is porn,” another author said, who goes by the pen name “Daily Hollow.”
“Women have a better grasp on the fact that it’s not a replacement,” Meg Amor says. “It’s an escape and they’re looking for romance. Sex is the end product.”
Author Cerise Lush recalls returning home from the dentist around the time she was writing an erotic story about a dentist, titled Filled By The Doctor.
“My boyfriend looked at me kind of funny at the time, and I had to explain to him that I wasn’t actually fantasizing about the dentist. Sometimes you get wild ideas in your head, so really, the misunderstanding can be expressed by males in both the readers’and the writers’lives.”
But in the end, “I think it’s the dirty, raw, taboo-ness of it all that gives [women] the rush, rather than the act itself,” Lush says.
FANTASY AS METAPHOR
Nevertheless, some of the sexual fantasies popular with female readers might still give their lovers pause. Male-on-male sex is particularly popular with female readers, for example. Domination, S&M, and similar practices feature prominently in the more popular stories.
But often, the more extreme fantasies depicted in erotic fiction represent a more indulgent degree of what female readers might actually want in their lives. Female readers who enjoy stories of domination, Cerise Lush says, may just want their real-life lovers to be a little bit more assertive.
“Perhaps they want you to be rougher in the sack or to show your dominance in other light ways while gradually reaching the boundaries of your comfort level,”she says.
COMMUNICATION: THE ULTIMATE FANTASY
If there is a common thread in the countless scenarios depicted in erotic fiction favored by women, it is that the protagonists all openly communicate to their lovers precisely what they want with no embarrassment or shame.
Erotic fiction might express the honest embrace of desires to a receptive partner in the form of wild sexual acts for the sake of drama or escape. But underneath the physicality of sex scenes lies what many women find appealing about the domination, bondage, orgies, and other exciting fantasies described in the erotic fiction they prefer.
As Desiree Daun says, “it’s not about what they do or how they look but expressing to each other what they like and being comfortable in their sexuality.”
The most popular themes in Desiree Daun’s books feature female characters unafraid to express what they want. “Not in a domineering way,” she says, “but just telling her lover what she wants to do, what she wants to do for him, and what she wants him to do for her.”
But the need for more open expression of our desires does not fall only on the shoulders of men, who still live under the stereotype of being uncommunicative about their needs and wants.
“Women tend to assume men can read their minds, but they need directions”
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“Women tend to assume men can read their minds, but they need directions,” Desiree Daun says. “Women are vocal about what they don’t like but conservative about what they do like. The majority of our population is still conservative, and doesn’t want to talk about sex.”
RISKS & REWARDS OF ACTING IT OUT
Erotica has made a difference in many relationships and is used as a tool to open communication between couples, Phoebe Alexander notes. Many couples read it together as a shared sexual experience.
Talk begets action, and the growing comfort many couples feel about expressing their fantasies may lead to the next step—acting them out. If that includes more extreme fantasies with emotional and other risks, unrestrained communication is critical.
Alexander found that most of her readers wanted to act out their fantasies to at least some degree, though many draw a line between fantasy and reality. But if a couple does decide to step into new realms of sexual exploration, they should know the risks as well as the benefits. If those fantasies involve other partners, for example, problems can arise. These can include jealousy as well as problems with relatives and colleagues if a new lifestyle, once discovered, carries social or cultural stigmas.
But above all, how the exploration of fantasy may affect the partners directly living it requires frank and open communication.
“Know the ground rules and expectations if one is going to act this stuff out,”Alexander says.
Photo—Cali4beach/Flickr
Thanks for including me in your thoughtful article. Erotica is easy to mock but important to understand. I write stories about human sexuality from a male point of view. Many of my stories feature men who are gently guided by their partner into better sexual performance. I think your readers might be amazed by how much useful knowledge conveyed through fiction.
Excellent article, Brian, coherent and respectful of a genre that many people denigrate.