My ten-year-old son, no longer a little boy, is empowered, and practices what I preach.
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When I picked up my 5th grader from safety patrol the other day, I noticed he was chatting with a boy I’ll call A. A has been bullying my son. He lives across the street and up until recently, we car pooled with him to safety patrol. His dad took the boys in the morning, and I picked them up after school.
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At a certain point, several months into this arrangement, my son told me A had been bullying him. A is a big, bulky kid to my tall, lanky one. He was attacking my son with stealthily timed words, in between teacher checks and on the school bus, when he could get away with it.
“I hate you.”
“I hate that you’re at this school.
“I wish you were dead.”
“You’re stupid.”
“I wish I’d never met you.”
This was not our first go-round with a bully. I know what to ask and how to ask it: Have you talked to the teacher? What do you do or say in response? How does that go, and so on; my son was doing all the right things. So, when it first happened, I spoke with the school counselor. We all agreed, with my son driving the decision, that since it was almost Christmas break, maybe the time apart would help. We’d reassess in January.
“Mom, the best way to get men to talk to each other when they don’t want to is to talk about sports.”
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It was sad, though, and frustrating for my son; he and A had initially been friendly, even played together after school. I wondered if there was something about sharing morning rides A had once had alone with his father that caused his anger. In any case, his words were weapons, and they had to stop.
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When January arrived, I was on alert. My son let me know things were OK so far, not great, but that he’d keep me informed. As I said, this is not my son’s first rodeo. He is intuitive about these things, unfortunately from experience, and I trust him to talk to me and to involve me, teachers, counselors, and administrators when necessary. I also want him to feel empowered to handle challenges on his own, if he feels he can. At his age, he should feel supported. This is a time for guidance from adults, to learn tools and skills for the future. If he’s ready to try them out now, great, and if he needs me, I’m here. The world is made up of all kinds of people, and many will be unpleasant. There will be bullies.
So, as I watched him, at ease as he finished his conversation, grabbed his backpack and waved back at A, I was surprised, but pleased to see he had found a way, his way.
My son got through an awkward moment with a bully by talking about football.
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He got in the car and I started to ask how things were with A. Before I had a chance he said “Mom, the best way to get men to talk to each other when they don’t want to is to talk about sports.”
I laughed, astounded by his insight. “Is that what you and A were doing? Talking about sports?”
“Yeah, we were talking about football, did you know the Music Teacher knows nothing about football?”
“I did not know that.”
“I mean she said Peyton Manning was not doing his best. I mean, he had like the best game of his career and she was trying to say one of the students was not doing his best, but no one got it because she was just wrong about the Broncos.”
And the gist of it was, in terms of his conversation with A, the score was discussed, field goals were discussed, Peyton Manning’s good name was restored, and my son got through an awkward moment with a bully by talking about football.
“You know, bud, you’re right, it is true that talking about sports can be a great equalizer for men, something to talk about, and something easy when other things can be hard. I’m glad it wasn’t awkward with A.”
“Nope, Neil was there too, and we were talking about football and then A came over and we all just talked about it. It was fine, men and sports, Mom. He didn’t bully me at all.”
“Well, that’s great. I think not carpooling will make things less stressful, too.”
“Definitely. Man, I need a snack.”
Who is this kid? I thought. And, did he get a Masters in Social Work this afternoon?
The next morning, it was dark and quiet as we walked to the bus stop, not yet 7 a.m. and we have no streetlights. I love those times, the in-between times with my children, when there is nothing to do but be with them. Engage. Share.
“I was thinking about yesterday bud, and it’s true traditionally, men have used sports to communicate when they can’t talk about harder things, but one of the things I love about you, is that you can do both.”
“I know, Mom, I mean, I know how to talk about my feelings. I have to, or I’ll explode! I still hit the pillow.”
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He squeezed my hand and smiled up at me.
“I know you still tell kids when they’re mean that they hurt your feelings. They may not get it, but it’s good that you tell them. And you know, men may talk about sports too, but many men also talk about their feelings. It’s just in the past, it hasn’t been as OK, or as safe for men to do that, some never learned how. It should be OK, though.”
“I know, Mom, I mean, I know how to talk about my feelings. I have to, or I’ll explode! I still hit the pillow.”
“Hitting the pillow is great, it gets anger out in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone; it’s a release. All of that will serve you well when you’re older. It’s good now, but especially as an adult.”
“Hey, I could be a therapist, and help people talk about their feelings.” My heart swelled. This is a boy who has sworn since he was four that he was going to be a professional baseball player. I still believe that is and will be his dream, but who knows, he’s ten, and it’s his life.
“You could, and a male therapist who relates well with other men, that’s important. You know that’s what I do at the Goo-“
“I know, I know The Good Men Project, that’s what you do. Write about this stuff, tell people that men have feelings. I know, Mom. Oh, there’s the bus, bye Mom, love you.”
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Also by Jenny Kanevsky
Yes, You Can Find Earth-Shattering Love After Divorce
3 Things I Will Do Differently in My Next Relationship
How Raising Boys Has Made Me A Better Mom
Photo Courtesy of the Author